AW C'MON MISS MURDER, YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED FOR FACTS TO DO THIS REVIEW? IT'S A SYFY ORIGINAL MOVIE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WASN'T THERE ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT WITHOUT GETTING ALL TECHNICAL?



Sharknado (2013)

Yes. Yes there was. In fact, that's why I watched the movie in the first place - so many people have been talking about it, especially with the release of Sharknado 2: The Second One... <laughs and gets soda up nose> umm, excuse me a minute...

<Coughing>  Okay, so I missed the last umpteen years of Shark Week so I know practically nothing about them except when they're used in movies they're either huge beyond reality, or <starts coughing again> falling out of the sky. Sharks, although related to fish, are not fish but neither are they mammal. That means they DO NOT BREATHE AIR. They must depend on saltwater passing through their gills to get oxygen - that means they must always be moving. But unfortunately they didn't move fast enough to escape this movie. Oh and contrary to this movie, they would not survive in a chlorinated swimming pool, fresh water, or the sewer either.

Now Sharknado is incredibly easy to make fun of. In fact, it's gained kind of a cult status of people doing just that. It also seems to do something to the mind though. The hubby started watching it with me and after 20 minutes he said 'I'm done.' So the next day I thought I'd finish it. Woof. I have never... then the hubby found out I finished it and said 'I thought we were going to watch it together.' Umm, what? 

Okay. I said, "Let's start from the beginning and watch the whole thing, the ending's the best (because it's the end - pffft)." We sat and watched and after 20 minutes (Where have I heard this before?) he said 'I'm done.' 'No no no no... you have to watch to the end, that's the big payoff.' He groaned and rolled his eyes but watched it to the end. And then said, 'Why did you have me watch this? I NEVER want to see this again. I can't believe...'


So my only conclusion is that Sharknado must cause slight bleeding in the brain that leads to memory loss. He didn't remember not wanting to watch it, then wanted to watch it, then asked why he watched it when it was done. I kept a close eye on him for the rest of the weekend, looking for bleeding from the ears (or clear liquid, that's bad too) or nosebleeds. Other than a zombie-like trance for a day or two, he seems to have recovered.

Hmm? The movie? Oh man, if you haven't seen it... you've missed absolutely nothing. We have TV has-beens (even cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch... ewww) getting together to overact (or not act at all) as a 'freak' hurricane has caused waterspouts, sucking up all different kinds of sharks (some with remoras still attached to 'em) and dumping them on Los Angeles. I don't know how they noticed.

What country are we in now?

There has been much 'discussion' about this film and I don't get it. Yeah, it was absolutely terrible - in plot, special effects and continuity. In fact, I scoured the credits for a Continuity Editor just so I could smear his/her name up to the sky the sharks supposedly fell from - there was none. At least none that would put their name on the credits. 

I understand completely. When there's a movie where it's wet-dry-wet-flooded-dry-wet etc., nobody wants their name on that. One of my favorites was a small one - the 'heroes' are in their car and the sprinkler guys have water hitting the car so heavy the wipers are on as fast as they can go... as dry bits of paper fly around them. <Laughs - keeping coke safely out of reach...>

Okay, for those of you who would rather pass on this incredibly non-scientific piece of celluloid, here's the movie: Fin <Get it?> (Ian Ziering) owns a bar on the coast. We have his friend Baz (Jaason Simmons), a barmaid with a large but stylish scar on her thigh named Nova (Cassie Scerbo), and rounding out the only characters in the bar we're supposed to watch is a very drunk (and very misplaced actor) George (bafflingly played by John Heard).

Now, a hurricane is coming but that doesn't mean anything to the idiots on the beach and in the water. And why should it? One second they show obvious stock footage of waves out of Hawaii, the next it looks like a pond - flat. One second the sun is shining without a cloud in the sky, the next second, clouds and wind. But then BOOM! A shark flies through the window of the bar and the party's over.


Biff.. uh, I mean Fin decides to get his 'family' - ex-wife April (Tara Reid), daughter Claudia (Aubrey Peeples), and son Matt (Chuck Hittinger). When the barmaid Nova meets Fin's ex-wife, out of the blue she sputters, "I am not a stripper." Where did that come from?

Personally, as much as the women bitched, I would have ditched them and just grabbed the boy. Tara Reid does a stellar job of acting (I wish there was a 'sarcasm' font) as she watches her new boyfriend get chomped by a shark and doesn't even blink. One fake scream, then practically a shrug. Must have been too much botox there to actually make a real expression. It was fun watching her hair change constantly though. Must have stopped at every salon they passed.

So we've got family, Baz, Nova and George. That's too many people - somebody's gotta die. George goes first. The shark that ate him probably had to go to rehab afterward. Oh yeah that reminds me - and I'm not the only one to mention this - do NOT make a drinking game out of the movie. You'll be in the hospital (or the morgue) from the first 20 minutes.

The group stops at a liquor store (uh oh) which is really like a 7/11 with hard liquor. Nova and the daughter search the shelves that have just about been wiped clean, where Nova picks up... bandage rolls. Sounds logical. April skulks off to the corner of the store where the sundries are in perfect order without a single product missing and picks up... the same box of bandage rolls. Really?

Fin plays the hero next, so his family can realize that hey, they don't have a man in the house anymore (hell, they don't have a HOUSE anymore), so they need a man. I guess. He saves a bus full of children by rappelling down from a bridge with all the gear that any ex-surfing pro and bar owner keeps in his vehicle, you know, just in case. 

Baz gets to show his incredible strength (not to mention how much weight that truck bumper could handle) by working the rope and pulleys but obviously using no muscle to pull the rope at all. Skip ahead and the kids are rescued - and in an ambulance - all of them. Uh huh. Not there to help, just there for the magic blankets, right?


So. Fin's boy is going to flight school and is the only one of the people hiding inside (where they should have stayed) who doesn't get munched by the magical sharks that not only fall out of the sky, but don't need to breathe water, don't splat on the ground, and are still pissed enough to eat anybody they fall on. Yeeeeah. I don't know who had the great idea of using homemade bombs (cute, guys) to 'stabilize' a tornado but hey, this movie's gotta end. Soon. Very soon.


As the boy and Nova go in the air with a helicopter to detonate some bombs without getting sucked into the tornado themselves or blown out of the sky by the explosions, on the ground we're whittling down survivors. They got into a machine shop and now have chainsaws and... sigh. Fin shows his might, his courage, his wit, his green screen acting skills as he uses one to saw a falling shark lengthwise clean in half. No shit. Woof.


Baz has got to go, we like him too much and he's got more character than all the others put together so - he's dead. Some made fun of his seemingly constantly changing accent but either he did it on purpose or he's a bit mixed in the head - he said in the movie he was Tasmanian (and, in reality, he was born and raised there) so... meh.


Back to the idiots in the helicopter. They seem to triumph at first - until Nova falls out and gulp! She falls right down the gullet of a shark that continues its journey to the ground. Matt says 'Noooooo!' like he's known her for years instead of ten minutes, tops. Then he starts to lose control of the 'copter. It goes down in smoke (well, a much smaller, probably radio controlled toy helicopter does anyway)... until it almost reaches the ground. Then the smoke is all gone, it turns back into the first helicopter and it makes a gentle landing. Pffft...

Fin realizes that the last bomb didn't work so he takes a truck with nitro on board that they stole where Baz put all the other bombs, drives it toward the tor... uh, sharknado and lights a bomb (don't ask), hits the nitro button and he jumps out.


Okay, except that they already used the nitro to outrun a cop that chased them... for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Unless they had an extra nitro canister... sigh. And... boom goes the dynamite. Sharks are now falling everywhere. Not splatting, not splitting apart into a thousand pieces, they're coming down mean and hungry. And really, really, fake.

And this one is just horrible: When the sharks do their swan dive out of the sky, one flies towards the front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre (which is showing the laughable The Asylum's mockbuster Hansel and Gretel - their copy of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters)... and disappears (because the CGI was crafted by monkeys). It lands (still invisible) and makes an imprint of its body on one of the sidewalk squares, joining all the other important stars of Hollywood - most notably, the square in front of it which says it belongs to Steven Spielberg. Did you get the joke? Huh? Huh? Huh? Didja? Huh?

Fin comes back to his now adoring family just in time to see a shark (that apparently they didn't quite have time to complete coloring in so it's spotty) coming straight for his daughter out of the air. Instead of stepping to the right or left, he grabs a chainsaw and... goes straight into the shark (most of the color done now) with the damned chainsaw on. He's been 'et. Aww. Oh but wait, this is the SyFy channel and he's in the next two movies so... We see blood spurting the wrong way as he uses the chain saw to cut himself out of the shark. 

See, normally chain saws send sawdust or whatever they're cutting to the back when they run... but that's not the DUH part. Excuse me, that wasn't the WORST DUH part. After he gets out, guess what? GUESS. IF YOU DON'T GUESS YOU DON'T GET ANY PUDDING. HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?


Uh, I got off track, sorry. Even though he went into the gullet, chain saw running, he managed NOT to cut... Nova, who he pulls out of the shark. How wonderful that the EXACT SAME SHARK that gulped her down also went for Fin. His son revives her (the others stand and watch, nice first aid guys) and he's deliriously happy. The daughter smiles for the first time. Fin and April kiss, shark blood and guts smeared between them. How... disgusting.

And the movie ends. Fin. No, really, they actually used Fin to end this horrible excuse of a movie - abysmal even for The Asylum. And there's gonna be two more - but I think I'll pass. Oh, and to Ian Ziering's credit, the reason he did this movie? So he would earn enough to qualify for the Screen Actors Guild health insurance for his family. So much for Obamacare.





                        

HEY WAIT A BLOODY MINUTE! THEY'VE GOT REAL MAGIC BLANKETS! I THINK SOMEBODY OWES ME SOME ROYALTIES... OH HOLD ON A SECOND - THAT'S REALLY RETARDED - NEVER MIND...

You're Either Flying In Style Or Looking Like A Complete Ass

Check this out movie rule list fans - the 'magic blanket' I keep talking about (You know, the ones you get in the movies so that the audience knows that you're officially 'all right'?) has become a reality for one airline - at least in this human 'exeriment'. And looking at it (and the sheeple using it), I think adding these ridiculous things to horror movies would be HILARIOUS. You see, it's not so people can assume you are 'all right', it TELLS you if they are or not.

This is from a site called The Consumerist and all props go to them for this little tidbit:

British Airways ‘Happiness Blanket’ Makes Passengers Look Like Idiots From The Future
By Chris Morran June 30, 2014

Which gives you more anxiety: Flying across the Atlantic or looking like an extra from Logan’s Run? If you chose the former and you like to fly first class, then British Airways has a “Happiness Blanket” for you to try out. No, the blanket isn’t intended to make you happy. It’s more for the airline to convince itself and others that its First Class amenities aren’t horrible. Kind of like a mood ring, but in blankie form.

BA has apparently been testing the LED-encrusted wool blankets (with Bluetooth-connected headband, because we all love having technology strapped to our heads while we rest) on some flights. The airline says that the device strapped around your noggin “measures the electrical fluctuations in the neurons of the brain, identifying when the wearer is experiencing a feeling of well-being.”

The sensor transmits that info to the fiber optic lighting in the blanket. When the wearer is stressed, the blanket glows red. When relaxed, it’s blue. When you’ve swallowed that entire ziploc baggie of magic mushrooms you forgot to take out of your bag before going to the airport, the blanket turns you into a seven-legged unicorn.

BA’s tests have thus far reached the paradigm-shattering conclusion that passengers’ mood improved while they drank liquor and ate food, finally proving once and for all that people don’t hate to eat and drink. Perhaps BA should be testing out these blankets in Economy class, where passengers would be bumping their head-sensors against each other and spilling subpar meals on their expensive mood blankets.

End Of Article

Mood blankets huh? Can you even IMAGINE strapping some ridiculous freaking ring on your head just so your blankie can tell the flight attendant that your drink wasn't up to par? That you're this close to running screaming up and down the aisles? That you actually have a bomb hidden in the sole of your shoe? Okay, I don't know about last one but this has got to be the most expensive and lame idea of customer comfort since they decided that having a section called 'business class' would be close enough to first class to charge almost the same for much, much less service.

If they cared about the people flying on their airlines they'd be concentrating on things like more comfortable seats, better movies and meals, airline pillows that don't smell like farts, and actually having their flights leave and arrive on time. But I guess the blankie is cheaper.

And notice they 'tested' this ridiculous idea on First Class passengers? I want to see 'em on Economy Class flights - children screaming and wetting their pants, adults pushing each other for the armrests, flights sitting on the tarmac for hours, announcements that turbulence will be 'a little worse than we expected', and that 'today's in-flight movie will be Adam Sandler in Jack And Jill'.

Then I'd bet they'd see red. HA!

CONTEMPORARY HORROR MOVIE AFICIONADOS - GET YOUR DUMBITY ON!


Horror Movie Rules For The 21st Century


Miss Murder is currently working on a new list of horror movie rules (patent pending of course). We all know about the "rules" as explained in the movie Scream, but that was back in 1996. It's 2014 now, and we need to put in the massive 'duh' stuff movie makers insist on putting in that make a lot of them so damned predictable.

MISS MURDER WANTS YOU!

If there is a situation that you see repeat itself ad nauseam (which Miss Murder just found out is a word so often misspelled by people that it makes you want to puke - ad nauseum apparently is incorrect), please post to either page (I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To has a Google AND a Facebook page) and if selected, it will be printed (along with your name - all credits will be given to you) and the finalized list submitted to horror websites or, if it's funny enough, Cracked. Here are a few examples:

His mother must be SO proud his picture is the first one on Google...

THE PISS OF DEATH: In other movies, people NEVER go to the bathroom (unless it's for some humorous reason) but in horror movies guys (and now girls, since DUH is an equal opportunity stupidity) can never hold their water. And it nearly always kills them. This isn't just in cheap horror or dumbass horror movies either - this happens in the way-above-average offering from the Whedonverse, The Cabin In The Woods. The character Marty nearly meets his demise when he steps outside to take the required piss. (Hey, that would be a good horror title: The Piss In The Woods. The catchphrase could be 'Hold Your Water Or Rest In Peace'. Something like that.)

Nu-uh, this one's MINE!

THE MAGIC BLANKET: The movie is nearly over, whoever is/are to die is/are dead, and the survivors treated by trained, qualified ambulance personnel with, you guessed it, A BLANKET. Whether people are cut to shreds, have broken bones, or even just some bruises, THE MAGIC BLANKET is used. Doesn't matter if it's 100 degrees outside, if you're in a horror movie, you automatically win one if you can survive to the credits. Oh, and speaking of medical care there's also:

Oh, right - you WISH it's gonna be with a hot chick...

MOVIE CPR: I'm not talking about the fakey (based on a real word) pumping up and down, that's just called we-don't-want-to-break-the-actor's-ribs anti-lawsuit CPR. It's the fact that in horror movies, CPR only works if you get angry and shout at the victim. Acceptable phrases: "Wake up! Wake up!", "Come back to me Goddammit!", "Live, damn it!", "Don't you leave me!", and "Don't you DARE quit on me!". Although real life can be pretty close, if you think about it. 

During my years on an ambulance I had a young man who was dead drunk (get it?) and going to the hospital for minor injuries from wrecking his car (it was either that or jail). On the way (we were rural, it was always at least a 40 minute trip) he stopped breathing. All I could think was, "I gotta do CPR on this guy and he's going to throw up all over me!" So I did the only logical thing - I slapped him in the face. Hard. He came to and started to cry. Funny, I don't feel bad about that at all. I don't recommend that particular method though - especially if there are family members watching. 

This list will be compiled with all aspects of present horror movie dumbity so if you have an example, simply give the dumbity a name and explain how it is in a lot of horror movies you have seen in the last, oh, say ten years. That should give us a lot to work with. If you wish it to be private, you may submit it in a private message on the Facebook page.

So have some fun and get your dumbity on!

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

I LOVE SURPRISES



The Factory (2013)

Netflix appears to be having some fun for April Fools Day this year. If you looked at the choices you might have found topics like, 'Nephrotic Adventures Featuring Very Tiny Children', 'Reality TV About People With No Concept Of Reality', 'Movies That Are In English But Still Require Subtitles', and 'Movies Featuring An Epic Nicolas Cage Meltdown'. Bravo Netflix, now quit doing my job for me!

Still unable to face the movies I'm supposed to be reviewing (hey I said I review movies, I didn't say I was consistent) I picked out of nowhere this movie simply because it had John Cusack in it - another actor on my list of people I will watch in anything. You have to make sure you have the right one so make sure it's the one he's in - apparently there's several with this title all made within a year or two of each other.

And hey, this would have been a good one just 'cause of Cusack but so much duh was crammed into it, you might watch it for the twist, but not 'cause it's a smart flick. And I realized I practically wrote the whole damned movie down so this review actually has been shortened from its original form.

I kind of wish John could write some of his own scripts because although he does an excellent job, he seldom has stellar material. This had the death knell at the beginning 'inspired by actual events'. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  Ahem, sorry about that. Once I got into the movie and saw what it was basically about I remembered the incident it was kind of copying (I've got several hundred true crime paperbacks - no exaggeration).

When I read the book I remember that the cases was unusual and sick enough to, well, write a book about it. Now new cases are all over the news and not just done by psychos to total strangers - it's happening within families! My twisted and horrid childhood is getting paler and paler by comparison to these loonies and what they do to their kids... I'll explain in a bit.

We start with the basic every-detective-story-in-the-world scenario: Mike Fletcher (John Cusack) is a detective that works long hours, neglecting his family in the process, as he tries to work a case of a serial killer (a man who's a dead ringer, pardon the expression, of the late, great John Ritter) who takes prostitutes. He's been working on it about non-stop on the mean streets of New York for years. Apparently, the killer mainly works during the winter so... yeah, this is your typical isn't-New-York-a-lousy-place-to-live kind of movie, mostly a slap in the face for the quarter million people who live, probably mostly contentedly, in Buffalo.

Anywho, he has a partner who's been helping every step of the way, in fact she specifically wanted to work this case with him, her name is Kelsey. She's also a close friend of the family and enjoys being with his kids, one reason is she can't have any of her own.

Do we see an obvious story forming boys and girls? 'Cause if you don't, you need to go back to horror story 101 and get a refresher course on the DUUUUUH of obvious set ups and plodding story lines that lead to obvious endings.

Ahem. Anyway our detective team learns their case is being shut down because the killer has 'gone to ground' which is a term meaning he's stopped killing and is probably either hiding or has moved on to a different state or country. Suddenly they hear of an abduction that can only be one of his - after three years he's started again. Phew, I thought this movie was going to be really short. Duh. Nope, you're gonna be subject to this crime for 104 minutes so settle back.

Mike (Cusack) has a teenage daughter Abby who, like most teenagers, hates her parents, hates her life, hates her school, hates her responsibilities, but loves an older boy who's just looking for jollies with a high school girl. She has something very serious to tell him but he stops her and basically says it's been swell but the swelling's gone down and dumps her. She's so upset she runs out of the cafe' he works in without her coat or phone. He sees it, goes to the window and she's talking to someone in a car. The next time he looks before going out, she's gone. Any guess as to who took her and why? Well, let's see - she's dressed in hardly anything (she left her coat behind) and she's willing to get in a stranger's car.... that's a head scratcher.

She disappears. Any real questions as to who took her and why? No? Good for you. The serial 'killer' isn't killing the girls - he's keeping them in his basement in little cubicles, grooming them to become mothers of his children. Ick. So Abby, Mike's daughter is movie stupid and so the first words out of her mouth is that her dad is a cop. Oh, that's going to scare him. Not. Now that Mike is aware that Abby has been taken by the same sicko he's been pursuing he kind of loses it.

Meanwhile Abby has been beaten, chained and told by the other girls her fate - she's going to bear this psycho's child. Mike is frantically putting together the pieces, knowing there must be something right in front of his face that he's missing and knowing if he doesn't hurry, he'll never see his daughter again.

Finally putting the pieces together he and his partner Kelsey rush to the psycho's house. Mike finds him first and... from this point the movie does this stupid cut-away-from-the-scene-so-you-don't-know-what-happened which they repeat annoying several times for the rest of the movie.


After finding a room with several babies in incubators, Mike shoots Gary (the psycho) who all the girls had called 'daddy'. Kelsey comes to the scene. Mike tells her Gary's gonna die - she turns and shoots Mike. Wait, what? Ohhhh, of course, the twist. See, Kelsey can't have kids - and she had been the very first girl Gary had picked up. When she couldn't have kids, she became a cop so she could help him find others to abduct. 

Kelsey, losing her 'daddy' is ready to kill Mike until Mike tells her Abby is pregnant, hoping to keep her occupied until he reaches the gun at his ankle. We get another annoying cutaway, then a flash of a gunshot. Uh, fellas? Nobody outside the house (or inside for that matter) is going to see a bright 'flash' from a gun, okay? D-U-H.

After the inevitable massive emergency vehicle scene where everybody's taken out of the house (and the magic blankets are put on the survivors) we find out that Kelsey is a faster shot and Mike is dead. Ahhh.

Hmmm? What are magic blankets? Oh sorry, it's just that with every horror movie (and other genres too) whenever an ambulance shows up, what is their first line of treatment with every patient no matter what the circumstances? Check it out for yourself... bet you a quarter it's gonna be a blanket.

Okay the movie was obvious, a lot of duh moments and what-the-hell twists that made it irritating. But such things do happen, the movie was well acted if not planned out well, and John Cusack could make the cruddy The Asylum movie company look good if he had to.



                         

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU





Shrooms (2007) Ireland

I've always said to parents that you might as well save your money and let your kids get the jobs America needs anyway (there are far too little blue collar workers anymore) 'cause college just gets kids killed. At least in the movies they do. And  in this one... I mean seriously, would you want to shell out thousands for a college education for your young one if you realize that your hard work means that THEY CAN FLY CLEAR THE HELL TO IRELAND JUST TO DO MUSHROOMS?

There is one smart girl (there's always one) who's mainly going because she's sweet on that particular Irish dude that's invited them all to fly 4,200 miles (or more) just to do drugs with him. How special. The particular mushroom that apparently is the rage (for idiots) in Ireland is called forpsilocybin mushrooms, also known as shrooms or magic mushrooms. In the right dosage (which nobody is going to use, I mean c'mon) they can act like an anti-depressant. A feel-good munchie. However, you've got to be careful (if you're stupid in the first place to eat these suckers) because a look-alike with a slight difference is called a deathcap mushroom. At least in the movie it is.

In real life, a deathcap mushroom looks more like an edible mushroom called a caesar or straw mushroom. But oh well, no matter 'cause this movie makes about as much sense as Yellowbrickroad and incredibly is even more stupid. Why? Because dear children, these exact same type of mushrooms GROW RIGHT HERE IN THE BLOODY STATES. Now don't you feel great about spending all that money on your child's education?

I mean even if you set aside the fact that these idiots go clear to another country just to do this, their stupidity just grows from there, like that's even possible. The 'smart girl' (she said with sarcasm) runs into a deathcap and eats it. Why? To get the movie going stupid. She has a seizure but seems to recover. That night while the group of idiots are around the fire, their upcoming drug trip simmering in a tea on the fire, the Ireland idiot decides to tell them a gruesome story. Oh that's a smart thing to do with people about to be on a wacked out drug trip. It has serial killers, supernatural crap and other stuff - the typical boring as hell never happened stuff. But they all take it seriously and become scared.

And from here the movie gets worse. How could it get worse? Oh my children, never underestimate the power of a bad movie maker. From here we get a one-by-one kids getting killed scenario (for which I'm always glad 'cause each kid killed means we're closer to the end) with the 'smart girl' somehow always getting away. They throw in a couple of 'squeal like a pig' type characters so you think that they probably are doing the killings (if you're stupid and I know you're not) but...

Somehow somebody missed these idiots and sent out a helicopter to find them - of course only finding the 'smart girl' alive. Why do I keep putting that like I'm being sarcastic? She IS the one who ate the deathcap - on purpose if you ask me. An ambulance gives her that magic blanket (you know, the main medicine of ambulances) and says she's going to be all right. We then get the entire movie again (fortunately in very short flashbacks) that shows that SHE is the killer. She smiles, and next we see her pressed against the ambulance windows with bloody hands and fortunately our trip is now over.

I think we have plenty of drugs in the United States that we don't need to go clear across the world (okay just a long way away) to get wasted, okay? Oh, and you don't have to make a movie about it either. Drugs are bad, m'kay?