THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS... WILL NOW CONTINUE!

Pure Terror


Continuing on with our little pack of 50 (yes that's a big five oh) classic (not necessarily good, but classic) horror films.The little pamphlet AND my little tape recorder has saved my butt 'cause it keeps me straight with what movie was shown. Each movie also has a short synopsis (thank goodness) so I know whether I've actually already seen (and reviewed) the movie or not. Unfortunately for the most part, it's not.

DISC TWO MOVIE THREE AND FOUR

The Thirsty Dead aka Blood Hunt aka The Blood Cult Of Shangri-La (1974) US/Philippines

Warning: This is a 70's era sexploitation film made once more (as a lot of them were) in the Philippines. The warning is that although that's what it's supposed to be, there are no women in bondage, no Foxy Brown (Pam Grier), no nudity whatsoever, and no reason to watch this movie. I'll make it very, very short.

Granny looks pretty hot, right?

They tease you with the opening of a girl dancing in a cage. But she's dressed. And she's probably your grandmother. Okay, calm down, maybe not YOUR grandmother, but she's somebody's grandmother. The news screams of a Hong Kong slavery ring grabbing women from Manila - yawwwwn. Hey, what do you want? When the main character's name is Baru and dresses like he's from the planet Weirdo, you get what you get.

Girls are snatched, transported via boat in the sewer until suddenly they're in what is probably the same freaking river in the jungle that every other 70's Philippines movie used. Then it's over the hill and through the woods to grandmother's house... wait. No, it's through the jungle and up the mountain where Baru keeps all the women he's been collecting - and blaming Hong Kong.

A heeeeeaaaaaaadddddd in a bbbbbboooooooxxxxxxx.....

And they're all following... oh for the love of GOD it can't be... it shouldn't be... FREAKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER HEAD IN A BOX!!! Obviously somebody has conspired against me, and disembodied heads in convenient carrying cases is now my fresh hell. Wow. Anywho, the head in a box-o is in charge of picking the leader of the group, which it does then slumps over. Let me say that again. A head. In a box. Speaks. Then slumps over.

This is way too bad, let me sum up. The Red Cross show up and bleed the ladies (kidding, it was the cult members) for the select other ladies to drink the blood to stay young. And, like other 70's movies, the captive ladies make a plan to escape, find out it's a bad plan, and only one makes it out. 

She brings the whole freaking police force (or whatever they have in the Philippines) but they won't climb the mountains - but the woman with Baru is able to see with her magic telescope made of a bundle of sticks down the mountain, through the trees, down the river and to the road to make sure they're (the bad guys I mean) safe. Old, but safe. The end.




The Amazing Transparent Man (1960) TV Movie

This completely gripping tale is about a rogue US Army Major who makes a scientist create a machine to make a man invisible so he can steal materials to make a man invisible. No I'm not changing that and it's not going to get any better either. BUT NO DISEMBODIED HEADS ANYWHERE!!! Just a stupid crazed experiment taking place in a remote house that looks just like it belongs to Norman Bates' mama. It's one of those movies where you walk right in, sit right down, grab a martini and a smoke. Every. Stinking. Time.

Best line of the movie (and don't be disappointed, this was just that bad): 'This will rip out your spine and roll it up like a ball of string.' I have no idea what that's referring to, but it's the most inventive part of the movie. That and the idea of strapping a guinea pig to a table to hold it still (you wouldn't get away with that today) while they irradiate it and keep it fresh forever... whoops, sorry a B52 lyric sneaked into there. They irradiate it and turn IT invisible first to make sure it won't kill the convict. How noble.

In short (too late) this turkey is about what I already put in the first paragraph - what, don't you pay attention? The nuclear materials Ulof (the scientist) needs to better his invisibility machine are extremely rare and kept under guard in government facilities. Krenner arranges the prison break of notorious safecracker, Joey Faust, to steal the materials he needs. Faust reluctantly complies since he's a fugitive and wanted dead or alive.



Faust continues attempting to escape and tries to get one over on Krenner by attacking him while invisible and running off. However, Dr. Ulof’s guinea pig dies when the female assistant announces she's pregnant - no wait, that's a rabbit, never mind. But soon after Faust finds that he can't control the visible/invisible schtick and we get stupidity that we can't see and then we can.

Faust decides he's had enough, "I'm getting all the guinea pigs outta this place!" He must have joined PETA. He's mainly pissed because the scientist tells him it will take more and more radiation to make him invisible, which will essentially make him a DEAD invisible man. Good.

Faust is more stupid than he looks and that's saying something. He decides to go for one last heist, a big bank robbery, because nothing's less suspicious than a money bag floating in the air, right? But, unfortunately, in the middle of the robbery he becomes visible. And, thankfully, also his clothes. 'Cause he's an ugly sucker. Really. No Kidding. 

Yeah, right.

Somehow he escapes anyway, rescues the woman and the doc, and finds out he's gonna die. So he's gonna take the others out too. He sets off the nuclear material which destroys the house completely but nothing else, and there's no radiation fallout. How convenient. How stupid. How long until the end of the movie? So Faust becomes an anti-hero but more importantly, he becomes MY hero because he ends the movie.

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AN EXPLOITATION RE-VISITATION



The Big Doll House (1971)

If you remember, a short time ago I did a series about exploitation movies, particularly those directed by Jack Hill. There were two almost identical movies, one by Jack Hill, one by another director in the same year using most of the same people, the same basic story, hell, even the same sets. The other was Women In Cages which I found but I couldn't find this one - until now.

By now if you read the series you know how this movie goes: Women who go to prison in a jungle slave labor camp usually because of something done to them by men try to get by with pairing up (if you know what I mean), mud wrestling, food fights, whatever Mr. Hill thought men would want to see - which includes lots and lots of clothes being ripped off. Oh, and Pam Grier and Sid Haig, have to have them or it's just not complete. And for this one Pam Grier got to sing the title song Long-Time Woman (I won't comment on that).

Of course the lead guard is a sadistic psycho named Lucien (played by Kathryn Loder who also played the heavy in Foxy Brown. She was mostly known for her Broadway performances but sadly died young from complications of diabetes). In fact if you look around the movie you'll notice (besides Grier and Haig of course) that most of the faces you've seen in at least one if not several exploitation films.

After the obligatory scenes of torture (including an electric lactation machine which looked very interesting - uh, that's a joke - it was apparently some sort of titty electrocution device) involving whips, chains, being cooped up in a small bamboo cage in the sun all day, sent to a sauna for days at a time, and some sort of Rube Goldberg device for slowwwwwly lowering cobras to prisoners to bite them (instead of just, you know, grabbing one and shoving it at them) the girls decide to rebel and escape. And if you've seen one of these films, that's never good. 

Haig and his partner are recruited to help since they have a truck. Somehow they get weapons and off they go - without Pam Grier, who gets killed by her junkie girlfriend.

Worst. Plan. Ever. That's what you could say about all of these movies, 'cause in all the prison ones I found they never survive. Hell, they seem to bring armed military guys out of the woodwork by the dozens and always fall under a hail of gunfire. One survives, the main character of this particular movie to walk by herself down the road. She's picked up by a guy driving a jeep. When he asks her where she wants to go she says, 'Anywhere you want.' He says, 'Good 'cause we've been looking for you all day - you're going back to prison.'

What amazes me are the people who complain (now) about these movies as being 'sexist'. Uh, duh - it's an exploitation flick? It was a THING in the 70's, just like there's a THING for movies with psychos that can't die, a THING for Paranormal Activity movies in an endless supply, a THING for creature features... it wasn't a direct arrow at the heart of the women's rights movement, it was a bloody cheap movie for crying out loud. They made 'em in bulk BECAUSE they were cheap, easy and very very popular.

C'est la vie.

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