WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU COMBINE AN AUTHOR WHO DEFINITELY USED DADDY'S REPUTATION TO GET HIS BOOK PRINTED AS WELL AS MADE INTO A MOVIE, HAVE AS YOUR MAIN STAR A MAN WHO'S SPENT MOST OF HIS YOUNG LIFE IN FRONT OF A CAMERA, AND THE STUPIDEST STORY YOU'VE EVER HEARD THAT CAN'T EVEN TELL WHETHER DEMONS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL OR NOT?

Horns (2013) Canada/USA

You'll have to excuse me for the excess of sarcasm I feel coming on reviewing this TWO HOUR movie. I do NOT claim to be someone who knows everything about the Bible, but I DO know enough that there are no such things as humans being turned into GOOD demons that go around solving murder mysteries (Maybe we can call them 'The Horned Scooby Doo Mysteries').

The movie is set in Seattle Washington but as a resident of the Pacific Northwest, I knew in ten seconds we were looking at Canada. In fact, I was so confident, I swore I would eat gravel if I was wrong. I am happy to say that my Miso soup was quite good this morning.

It wasn't much of a secret...

THEN I find out that this is from a novel, also called Horns, written by Joe Hill. Pffft... Joe Hillstrom King is more accurate. As in Stephen King's son? As in he held a golden ticket to print any piece of crap he decided to pound out on his laptop in Starbucks?

So. Our movie. Ig (short for Ignacious, one of a freaking ton of religious themes in this pile) Perrish (Parish?), played by Daniel Radcliffe is, as he is in every freaking movie he's in, a nice guy. He's in love with a nice girl named Merrin (dumb Exorcist reference and played mostly in flashbacks by Juno Temple) - they've been together since they were kids. He's prepared to propose to her but for some reason, she instead cries and runs off. He proceeds to get totally wasted, passes out, and finds out the next morning she's been raped and killed and Ig is the prime suspect.

Okay, what's the forensic evidence say? Nothing - because someone burned down the... uh... forensic evidence building? What, was it some sort of hidden cabin in the woods that no cops ever attend to?

This is the kind of crap this movie is full of. Oh, and if you're Catholic - umm, well, I think people of every religion would think this movie was full of shit.

Ignacious is now starting to grow demon's horns. Let's start with the definition of a demon. A demon is an angel that has been rejected by God for disobedience. Thus, a demon is an angel, just not a good one. So where the ever-lovin' hell did they come up with horns, hooves, pitchforks, etc.? What does the third sentence of this paragraph say?

If Merrin's father had just pulled the
trigger we'd have saved a hell of a lot of time...

Is Ignacious an angel that fell to earth because he's evil? No, he's absolutely a pure human with a ton of bad luck. But he's now a demon. A nice demon. A demon that would give you a ride when it's raining and NOT try to hit on you. 'Kay.

No no no that's NOT okay. This movie assumes we're total morons and treats us as such for TWO FREAKING HOURS! Oh, did I already mention that? Also, I think Mr. Hill should look up the word gratuitous. Gratuitous means uncalled for, lacking good reason, unwarranted. A whole lot of the sexual content, language and violence fits this definition perfectly.

Oh, except when he tells the press that
whoever beats the shit out of everyone
else can have an exclusive interview with him.

So. Ignacious is a GOOD demon. And he wants to find out who killed the love of his life. He decides to use his new found demon powers... ugh, I feel dirty just typing that... by influencing people to tell him the truth. Oh and do a ton of sick stuff and tell him even more sick stuff. 'Cause he's a good guy. Right? Right?

To say that cutting the gratuitous crap out would at least reduced this movie to 90 minutes (45 if we were lucky) is just pure wishing - and it ain't gonna happen. If Ignacious was such a GOOD demon, wouldn't he be at least upset that people are turning into horrific perverts because of him?

Hmm? Oh this is just an example of
 how you might look trying to follow this movie...

Let's talk about even stupider things. Each character's car had Washington plates (Supposed to be in Seattle, right?), but to be 'clever' (sarcasm heavily inserted here), each car has what is obviously a Bible verse which has something to do with that character. Sigh. Okay - the plates ARE Washington plates (Evergreen State ones) but they are NOT real. The letter and number configurations are incorrect for ANY kind of plate unless you get specialized plates (and I don't think you could with that many characters). So.

Ignacious (they call him Ig) doesn't have much support from anyone except his best friend from childhood. His brother (puzzlingly played by Joe Anderson) who is a trumpet player, (maybe), and his mom and dad aren't really sure whether he is innocent or not, but they are fast to come up with sick things to say when he's around - it seems the only ones to be 'immune' are those wearing crosses... ugh this movie is seriously making me ill.

Ig, the GOOD demon, is determined to give everyone 'what they deserve'. This includes making his junkie brother take every drug he's got stashed and land him in the hospital. What a good, good brother.

After lots of gratuitous... everything... we finally come down to the nitty gritty - and how 'bout that, it's Ig's best friend from childhood who killed his girlfriend. Didn't see that one coming, didja?

So you have sat through this disgusting display of everything. You've heard songs that you wish you hadn't (living in one of those houses nobody owns anywhere, Ig has this collection of vinyl that covers a whole wall of shelves) like the Pixies, David Bowie, and Marilyn Manson for some reason. And boom, the killer turns out to be the only other young male shown in town, Ig's best friend. Pfffft...

Oh we're not done by a long shot kiddies, 'cause then we get this:

What kind of symbolistic mumbo jumbo crap is THIS supposed to be?

In case you can't see what's happening, Ig has Merrin's cross on his neck. He rips it off, THEN grows wings and flops around THEN falls to the ground on fire and becomes a demon. And don't scratch your head, it only stirs up the flees...


So the burning (tee hee) question: Why did Merrin run instead of marrying Ig and preventing this horrid movie? Get out your tissues: Merrin's mother died of a form of cancer that 'runs in families'. She didn't want Ig to suffer as her father had suffered when her mom died. 


Umm dear, sorry to break this to you, but a LOT of types of cancers run through families - and you don't even HAVE to have a family history of cancer to get it yourself. Breathing your boyfriend's second-hand smoke could've wasted you before your mother's genes got a hold of you.

Hmm? Did Ig turn back into a human? HE WAS HUMAN - HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION? DEMONS ARE FALLEN ANGELS (WHO LOOK JUST LIKE ANGELS, THEY'RE JUST REJECTS) - IG WAS NEVER A DEMON IN THE FIRST PLACE, 'KAY?

So dear readers, save two hours and read a good book - just make sure the last name of the author isn't 'Hill'.

MOVIES YOU WATCH BECAUSE OF WHO'S IN THEM EVEN THOUGH THE MOVIE FREAKING SUCKS





Torment (2013) Canada

Have I mentioned I hate home invasion movies? 'You're Next' was an exception, but not a completely successful one. I think this is one of few films that has an honest title 'cause watching this Canadian whine fest was sheer torment for me. It's just another psycho 'family' in animal masks torturing another family. So why did I bother?

Well, the father, Cory, is played by Robin Dunne of the SyFy series (that was good until it got stale) Sanctuary, the mother, Sarah, is played by Katharine Isabelle (GO AMERICAN MARY! YES!!! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU IN SEE NO EVIL 2!), and there's a brief but ineffectual part for Stephen McHattie (who plays in a ton of stuff but I really liked Pontypool) as a gosh-golly-gee sheriff who dies pretty quickly. 

The boy is... just some whiny kid. Just kidding, Peter DaCunha did a good job as poor Liam who has to suffer with his dad's new wife (apparently things just aren't movie worthy unless at least one family member is already dead) as well as being abducted.

Whoops, wrong movie...

So, even though he has FREAKING KATHARINE ISABELLE for a new mother (sorry, she's just too cool - just ask the Soska sisters), he doesn't wanna go to their vacation house that everybody in movies apparently has tucked away somewhere - they must be in the same towns as all the abandoned asylums and prisons and hospitals, 'cause there ain't any near where I live.

Meh, I still liked the other one better...

Okay, this is a scenic place I live in so there are more than a couple of vacation homes here. I just don't own any of 'em.

When the family first gets there, the house is not only broken into but trashed, and it's obvious somebody's been living there. Do they turn and go far, far away from it until the police say it's safe? No - and we shake our heads 'cause we know they've got to do something really stupid or the movie doesn't start. And since it seems to be a "thing" now, the psychos all wear animal masks. That's... a really dumb fashion statement.

And absolutely NO backstory. Not that I wanted any, that would have just made the movie longer, but hey, a small explanation as to why this 'family' of animal heads wants to live in everybody else's house and torture people would have been appre... nah, never mind, it kept the movie shorter, good enough.

Believe it or not this is NOT how he dies...

So capture, scream, get free, run, get captured again, scream, get free, run... shampoo, rinse, repeat. Over and over until the end of the movie when Dunne gets shot and it's bye bye daddy. Isabelle saves the kid and they get magic blankets from the paramedic who's BY HIMSELF TO TRANSPORT ONE OF THE PSYCHOS because apparently that's how they do things in Canada, eh?

Same with the police - McHattie was by himself (which was fortunate since he was duct taped to the driver's seat of his car (don't even ask me how they managed that) and got blown up. So at the end they send ONE cop to transport another of the psychos but wait - one they thought was dead rescues her because hey, she's not cuffed, there's no cage in the car, and apparently anyone can open the doors. Canada's a real secure place, eh?

Sorry about that. It wasn't Canada that sucked here, it was this movie and that's all I've got to say about that. Now I've got a review to do about ANOTHER movie about Hitler's head in a jar so... I'm a little raw right now. Heil Canada!

                        

WHAT IF A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK COMES AND GOES AND THE AFTERMATH IS THAT SOME PEOPLE NOW HAVE A CONDITION THAT TAKES EXPENSIVE DRUGS TO CONTAIN - BUT THERE SOON IS A SHORTAGE AND THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS WHO GETS THE TREATMENTS? WHO ARE THE MONSTERS THEN?

The Returned (2013) Spain/Canada

This movie is more of a thinking kind of movie so if you're looking for zombie apocalypses, blood and brains and intestines, and vicious attacks followed by vicious retaliation and lots of chopped off or shot off heads, it's not here. This movie is kind of like an older description of The Walking Dead: 'A bunch of people argue and once in a while a zombie shows up.'

If you want to see this, it's not bad - it's just not that great. The implications are interesting and probably a little too close of a true indication of what would happen if a 'zombie' virus hit the world. In other words, since there's lots of spoilers, if you want to see it first it is currently streaming on Netflix.


Now the movie doesn't show it, but supposedly there's a world-wide infection in the 80's that kills millions. Those working on a cure instead have a medication that must be administered daily to, uh, keep the monster at bay. Some say 'How can you live with having to inject yourself every day?' Pffft. Ask a diabetic. They've been doing it for decades. Man up and listen up.


Those that get the infection but are human because of the treatments are branded The Returned. It is now another excuse for discrimination - those who are among The Returned keep it secret to keep their jobs, their families, their friends.

Since this is just a speculation about what would happen in a world where the 'zombie' disease could be controlled, I'll keep this short, as there really isn't much to it anyway and nothing is surprising or much of a revelation.


Kate (Emily Hampshire) is a doctor who lost her family when she was younger in the initial days of the virus. Her husband Alex (Kris Holden-Ried), a guitar teacher, is one of The Returned - only being so because of attempting to help a man he thought was having a seizure who infected him. In order to keep it all quiet, she gets his dosages on the black market.

As the world turns, the disease stabilizes. That means the number of The Returned has increased considerably. The government (Canadian? Spanish?) says the dosages are in short supply and so they will be controlling them. When a synthetic version seems to have failed, the government starts rounding up The Returned in camps. People without the disease just want them all dead. Their fear and hatred are a constant reminder that anyone different from the norm is going to be discriminated against. That was not a big reveal.

Kate and Alex's "friends" Jacob and Amber invite them to stay with them until things quiet down. What they don't know, and again this is not a big reveal, is Amber is also one of The Returned and their ultimate goal is to get all of the dosages Kate bought on the black market. Kate finds her 'source' murdered and things go downhill fast. Jacob and Amber disappear, leaving only one dose and a 'Whoopsy, sorry we stole your stuff' note.

A fellow doctor gives Kate the last dosages the hospital has - he tries to assure her the synthetic will soon be effective and available. As she's leaving the hospital, she's attacked by the father of a Returned boy she saved at the beginning of the movie. Again, not surprising. All the doses are broken in the process.

She goes home to Alex to find he has rigged himself up in his studio for when he regresses into a zombie. He's securely chained to the wall. But he doesn't want to wait - and she can't stand to see him suffer as he begins to have trouble breathing, starts coughing up blood, etc. She ends up shooting him in the head after a tearful goodbye.

And this is no big reveal, in fact I was expecting it from the beginning. She sees the kind doctor who had given her the medication with GREAT news - the synthetic version now works! She realizes she has killed her husband for nothing. That's a familiar gimmick and so also was no surprise.

Our final scene is Kate in a new house, very pregnant, looking over a whole wall covered with information and the pictures of Jacob and Amber as they start a book tour. She's planning to hunt them down and when she does, they're dead meat. Even if she or her half-zombie baby doesn't eat them.

It's interesting, but not surprising, as the whole movie is themed on human nature and human nature is very predictable, whether from small snow storms (one inch of snow falls and suddenly there's no toilet paper, bread or beer in an entire town), to food shortages, power outages, etc.

We're already animals - it's not that big of a step.





                        

IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM... BUT APPARENTLY THEY CAN HEAR YOU CHITTERING...

Apollo 18 (2011) US/Canada

What's worse than a freaking space movie that's supposed to leave you all claustrophobic and scared? One that bores you to freaking death, that's what. Now my left arm does NOT work so this will be short and sweet but I had to do this review for the hundreds of voices in my head that screamed at me that I wasted a portion of my life with this movie I might as well do something with it.



'But', I argued, 'My arm, my health, my...'

SHUT UP. YOU ARE FREAKING PITIFUL. YOU WRITE A COLUMN ON HELLO KITTY? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED WHEN YOU STARTED THIS COLUMN?


So, head hung low (I think, I dunno, I may be hallucinating) I decided to report the basics on this non-horror non-science fiction movie.

Here's some dates to really bore you... umm I mean educate you:

On 7/20/69 there was Apollo 11. Neil Armstrong was the first man to moonwalk... err... walk on the moon.

Despite that stellar performance secretly faked by Stanley Kubrick (HAH! Got You!), in 1970 the missions for Apollo 18, 19, 20 were canceled - no money left for Kubrick... umm I mean NASA.

BUT in 12/7/72 they managed to have Apollo 17 make one final lunar mission.

BUT WAS IT??? Yes dummy, of course it was. This is their movie:

In 2011, 84 hours of classified footage is uploaded to www.lunartruth.com (don't bother, the website is just a promo page for the movie). This film was edited from that footage. Pffft, I can't even put that up with a straight face.


The first thing I noticed was the voice of one of the three doomed idiots of this supposed secret mission - SECRET? How the hell could Florida launch a space rocket and no one notice? This was super duper paranoia times remember. And the US manages not only... ah, never mind.

Oh yeah, the voice. One of the three doomed idiots played a lycanthrope on a show on SyFy called Sanctuary - which I really liked until I realized that every episode had a checklist, no exceptions, no substitutions - except for maybe a "special episode" or two. No, I won't put it here, my arm doesn't work, remember? The dude's name is Ryan Robbins and thankfully he has other work on his resume' 'cause this movie wasn't going to help his career any.

So like I said we had three idi... brave men to go on one last mission. See, the government wanted cameras on the moon so we could keep an eye on the Soviets. Hey, if the Soviets couldn't tell that the US just launched a freaking rocket... but I digest. Dammit dictation software, I said digress!


Ryan Robbins' character gets to float in the Freedom command module while the other two go to the big rock - again. We then get a seen-in-almost-every-freaking-movie-since-1999 montage of them setting up the equipment (PSD5 cameras - sounds like a disease to me). Until they find <gasp> a Soviet lander. Oh, I see - they got away with launching a rocket without the world knowing 'cause the Soviets did too. 

No, wait, I don't see - WTH did everybody just go deaf and blind in the '70's? And since they never came back, where was this 'found footage' (because yup, this movie is just that much garbage folks) discovered if it was on the freaking moon and nobody has ever gone back? Huh? Huh? Huh?


Woof, man I'm getting paranoid now - half of that paragraph the dictating software did by itself. I think. How much alcohol is in a bottle of Nyquil anyway?



So off and on the two dummies on the moon hear chittering. And stuff happens like their flag disappears (I cried during that part - I WANT MY MTV! What do you mean that wasn't the flag, I watched it on TV for years!) and yes, we have a rover roll over <chuckles like a mad woman> that's freaking funny if you think about it. Things crash on the moon? Really?

Okay, after finding the dead Soviet cosmonaut who looks... very dead (apparently in space, no one gets preserved even though there's no atmosphere there to aid decay), the two realize that they've pretty much been duped into a mission to keep an eye on the chittering creepy crawlies and it pisses them off a bit. Plus their space 'rocks' keep moving around - WTH?


Finally one gets cut and a rock is found under his skin. Yeah, I can identify with that - 'cause my arm is... never mind. It gets infected and spreads through his bloodstream until he insists that he's not going back but the other guy has to.

After about an hour of arguing and chittering, the dude gets the Soviet lander working (SOMETHING wrecked the systems in their lander - pfffft) and takes off, but he takes his samples with him. The last time he sees his partner the chittering rocks (yes you read that right) have become spider-like CGI crap and are swarming inside his helmet. Yuck.


As he approaches the command module, DOD (Department of Duh... sorry I guess it's Defense) tells them, 'Sorry kids, we pretty much knew this would happen and you're not coming home Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.'


But he wants to go home and so keeps approaching the module - until the creepy crawlies that of course infected him too cause him to speed up and collide with the command module and the film cuts out. And we get more 'information' because a printed line on a screen is a lot cheaper than using a real story or plot.

According to all official reports, Apollo 17 was the final lunar mission.

Lt. Colonel John Grey (Ryan Robbins) was killed in a crash during a training mission over Tallahassee, FL. His body was never recovered.

Cmdr. Nathan Walker's (Lloyd Owen) F-14 crashed into the Pacific Ocean near Kadena Air Force Base. His body was never recovered.

Cpt. Benjamin Anderson (Warren Christie) was killed during a mid-air evacuation over the East China Sea. His body was never recovered.

Apollo Missions brought 840 pounds of lunar rock samples back to earth. Hundreds were given away to dignitaries of foreign countries. Many of those "gifts" were stolen or are now missing.

Theirs is the spirit that built America.

And this movie is what is tearing it apart. Thanks for the help Canada.



                        

MOVIES YOU WATCH BECAUSE OF WHO'S IN THEM AND ARE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED 'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT THE MOVIE WOULD SUCK


Haunter (2013) Canadian

Lord save me from any more haunting or paranormal movies. Teenagers, fights, dark scenes where you see zip, handheld cameras, tears, snot, death, end. Over and over. Oh and don't forget those abandoned mental asylums. Those are very important you know. I would have passed this right over without a second glance if it hadn't been for the presence of Abigail Breslin (Zombieland) and Stephen McHattie (Pontypool) so I thought eh, what's one more for the pile?

Well for one thing this is actually a story. I mean an INTERESTING story. It starts a bit like 'oh brother' but you get caught up in it and actually care what happens to the characters. And it takes the typical haunting story and kind of stands it on its head. In fact, since this blog is about complaining about bad movies, I'll just outline this one 'cause it's actually worth seeing.

Lisa (Abigail Breslin) is a very depressed 15 year old. She's in a serious rut. Every day it's the same thing - her little brother bugs her, she has to do the laundry and is accused of losing part of it, her mom and dad ask her what she wants for her birthday tomorrow, her dad is frustrated, having spent the whole day trying to fix the car, they have macaroni and cheese for dinner, they watch Murder She Wrote, and before bed she plays her clarinet along to Peter And The Wolf. This literally happens every single day. No this isn't a Groundhog Day rip off - they actually are stuck doing the exact same things EVERY DAY as they did in 1985.

Um what? That's right - every single day is the same day in 1985, one day before Lisa's birthday, the same laundry being done (and disappearing later) the same TV being watched just as it was the day they died. Ohhh, they're DEAD. Only Lisa is 'awake' in that she knows they're dead although her family is not aware and get very upset when she tries to break the routine to tell them about it. So it seems she will be stuck in this very depressing day for eternity. Until she hears a strange noise. Is SHE being haunted?

The key to 'waking up' (at least according to this movie) is contact with an object you owned in life and a girl now living in their house has found Lisa's necklace and so both are now aware of the other. And they know (Lisa by finding a scrapbook, the live girl by computer) that a man who lived in the house had not only taken and killed teenage girls, but after his death, whole families by (and I'm guessing, the movie wasn't real specific) 'possessing' the father and convincing him to kill his entire family. 

The pale man (Stephen McHattie) kept trophies as well as a scrapbook and now Lisa has both - but how to use it to not only prevent the murder of the live girl's family, but get justice for all of the past victims?

Of course this movie has plot holes (it's not great, just better than most) like how could she manipulate objects in the house not part of the daily limbo they're in, but others can't? Why was she awake in the first place? How is she manipulating objects without the present owners noticing? 

Things quickly get interesting as her sleuthing brings gradual changes to her family's routine and she realizes they are beginning to 'wake up', but also that her father, who had killed them all while under the influence of 'the pale man' in 1985, is getting worse and worse just as he did before - which means the family alive in the house has a limited amount of time as their husband/father is getting worse and worse...

How will the two girls, one dead and one alive, manage to overcome the pale man? They will need the help of the other girls still in the house and how they do it is not only interesting, but inventive. And yes, this movie has a happy ending (as one could be for a dead family) - no trick endings, no twists.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

20-SOMETHINGS WHO DON'T GATHER IN A REMOTE CABIN IN THE WOODS TO DIE - THEY'RE IN AN AIRPLANE... SO THERE! AND THERE'S A GIANT SQUID!


Altitude (2010) Canada Made For TV

Isn't it weird when you find a film out of nowhere that you've never even heard of and it turns out to be better than some of the newer horror films released in theaters? Especially when you find out it's a Canadian film made for television. Huh. Maybe you United States movie makers should watch and take notes. Nah, they'd just copy the damn thing practically word for word. But I'm telling you, I'll be ripping this apart because hey, that's my job but I did really pay attention because this was different, kind of inventive and for television. A TV movie. Here in the States a TV horror movie usually means they take two ordinary creatures, mesh them together, find some worn out actor or singer from the 80's and boom, a movie.

I'm exaggerating? Okay, here's some titles of some REAL TV movies: Dinocroc, Dinocroc vs Supergator, Dinoshark, Frankenfish, Ghostshark, Hybrid, Komodo vs Cobra, Mansquito, Megapython vs Gateroid,
Piranhaconda, Sharknado, and Sharktopus. So far. I'm sure the SyFy channel has a couple hundred more coming to a cable channel near you - if not, you're lucky.

Prologue to the movie: A woman pilot is taking a family to their destination. The family has a young child who is petrified with fear. The parents try to console him to no avail. He seems to be staring out the window at something - everyone turns to look and there's an airplane coming straight at them and BOOM...

Now we have a group of 20-somethings who are flying to a destination to see Coldplay. That should be an instant death sentence right there. The pilot (in the land of incredible coincidences) is the daughter of the doomed pilot we saw in the prologue. The others are your regular assorted unlikable characters. The pilot has a boyfriend, and also of course one friend she's had for a long time who's always had a crush on her. Natch. So they take off and the camera keeps focusing on a bolt, just to let you know that something is going to happen I guess 'cause they show the same damn picture of the bolt a hundred times.

The boy with the crush on the pilot is Bruce and he is terrified of flying. As a favor of, I dunno, letting him see there's nothing to be scared of, the pilot (Sara) lets him sit up front. We get the usual beer drinking, hand held camera garbage and everybody going nuts every time there's turbulence. And the bolt. That damned bolt. Sara, not the sharpest knife in the drawer decides to further 'help' Bruce by letting him take the controls. Now the DUH factor is on full throttle. He, of course, chokes (small engine humor) and the plane goes into a dive. 

The description for the movie will tell you he takes it into a climb but I know the difference between up and down so... yeah. The other idiots of course scream at both of them which makes things worse and Sara finally takes the controls back to level the plane but the bolt finally comes loose and jams the elevator so the plane just keeps climbing. The what? I don't know small aircraft so: Elevators are flight control surfaces, usually on the tail of an aircraft, which control the altitude. This was funny - when I wiki'd this 'elevator' and got the definition it says it controls the planes' ATTITUDE. I gotta get me one of those and attach it to my hubby.

Suddenly air turbulence gets worse and there's a storm ahead. Sara reveals that not only is she not instrument certified (that means she can only fly when she can physically see the ground), but no one knows that they are going to the concert by plane - Sara had told her father she was driving - he doesn't even know she has a pilot's license. AND they've lost contact with ground control AND the plane won't stop climbing.

Hmm, Snakes On A Plane, Zombies On A Plane, Idiots On A Plane. I see a pattern. Whoops, no sorry, this is something else on a plane. Since we are in the land of incredible coincidences, one of the idiots in the plane is an experienced climber so he believes he can use a rope to get himself to the tail and... what? Stomp on it for a while? Meanwhile they left with only half a tank of gas (?!?) and so in order to conserve fuel they throw out all their stuff. And Sara. Nah, just kidding but hey if I had found out my pilot only half filled the tank before takeoff...

The climber gets to the tail and kicks it a couple of times, apparently dislodging the bolt. But before he can get back A GIANT SQUID COMES OUT OF THE CLOUDS - SOMEBODY CALL THE SYFY CHANNEL! I'm not kidding folks, that's what happens - a giant tentacle reaches out of the clouds and grabs the climber. The person holding the rope is forced to cut it or get yanked out himself.

Bruce, who had been rendered unconscious by the others 'cause he was a major douche, wakes up and confesses his fear comes because his folks died in an airplane crash piloted by, in this land of incredible coincidences, Sara's mother. They tell him of the monster and he thinks a moment, and picks up a comic book that Sara had given him. He collects them. It's one of those old issues of horror tales (this one is made up - called Weird Stories) and it's valuable - that is until the drunk douche rips out a page. 

Now it's junk. He straightens out the ripped page and what do you know? It shows a tentacle coming out of the clouds. Now he's getting the idea of what is going on. It's the why he's puzzled by. Shoot, my worksheet (patent pending) is already out and mostly filled. I was going for an all-casualty type of movie but I had to adjust that a bit...

The drunk douche, after being confronted about cutting the rope and letting the other guys die, argues until ah rats, he's sucked out of the door and we're another douche down. Now we get an explanation, sort of, but it's severely flawed. Bruce tells Sara that when's he's really stressed or scared, what he's thinking of really happens. When he was little he had seen a photo of another airplane on a magazine and, scared to death, brought it to reality where it crashed into them (they don't explain how the hell he could survive the crash) and that's what is happening now - he's causing all the nastiness with the storm, the monster, etc.

Okay, that's... almost interesting but severely flawed. When he was small he was in an airplane and scared and just because he saw another airplane on a magazine he freaked and caused a crash? And as for 'causing' the giant squid... Sara had just given him the comic book as a gift - he hadn't had time to read it yet. So how the hell did he know what the story was about? But... this WAS made for TV and on the cheap and yet it was still better that some big money productions so I can bitch, but not too loudly.

Sara's big idea when she finds out he's a mental maniac is to tell him to just imagine this all never happened. Umm, what? Are we really going to have one of those 'restart' movies where it goes in a loop? Bruce tries but being a douche and a very scared little douche, things get worse and the airplane is out of control. 

So Sara kisses him. Kiss of death? Nah, this time it's the kiss of incredible coincidence, because all of a sudden the storm disappears and so does the giant squid. But Bruce is slow, but not stupid. He figures Sara only kissed him to make him imagine everything normal and so here we go again. But no squid. Sara fights for control of the airplane... and sees up ahead another airplane and they're gonna hit. Guess who's in THAT plane? No, c'mon, guess. Oh, please?

Of course it is the plane from the land of incredible coincidences with Bruce, his parents and Sara's mother. Somehow, Bruce and Sara are able to control the plane enough to make it a narrow miss. Now history has been changed. It reminded me of the Family Guy episode Back To The Pilot when Brian and Stewie go back in time to the very first episode but of course the past (and future) gets all messed up and Stewie finally has to fix it by making sure the first couple to come back goes right back home. He then tells Brian the time line they are in has been erased and so they will disappear too. Brian asks if it will hurt - Stewie says, "A little."

Oh I'm sorry, got off track again. So instead of fading away, the scene just kind of... ends. The next scene is of Sara's mother landing safely with her passengers and meeting up with her family. Sara runs and hugs her mother and is introduced to Bruce. Sara and Bruce say hello to each other and then hold hands, looking up into the sky. We're left to wonder whether they have any memory of what happened.

Okay, this wasn't so great but hey, for a TV movie this was pretty darn good. The acting was irritating, the effects pretty cheap (fog goes a long way in keeping the audience from seeing the studio around the plane prop) and the story flawed but still not a horrible ride.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies