A MOVIE SO AWFUL I'M GIVING YOU A BREAK AND SHOWING YOU THE ONLY GOOD PART OF IT... WHICH HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ACTUAL MOVIE. YOU'RE WELCOME...

1,2,3... Scream aka End Of The Road (2011)

There is nothing more frustrating (okay, there's a lot of things but this is a pisser too) than seeing a bunch of names attached to a movie that makes you want to see it, just to find out that those people either are in it for a fraction of time, a voice-over, or get killed before the beginning credits stop. This was one of those movies so here's your warning:





This movie is about a couple of guys (cameraman and soundman) who finish up with a film by Robert Picardo and are on their way to Idaho to shoot the first episode of a new reality paranormal series called 'Spirit Seekers' with actual psychic (pffft) Randolph (played by Doug Jones, well-known contortionist and sci fi actor, recently of John Dies At The End). The buildup is supposed to be that, of course, they piss off whatever supernatural force has started this mess in the first place. The punchline is, that it is all a practical joke - played by Robert Picardo. There, you just saved yourself roughly 90 minutes. You're welcome. For a treat, this is the only part of the movie worth watching (and that's stretching it a bit):

Oh, and Zack said this himself in this movie, so here you go my fave redheaded Canadian dude, you are now a meme:

I'M NOT TELLING YOU THE ENDING SO THERE!







John Dies At The End (2012)

I'm beginning to like comic books remade into movies (or TV series like The Walking Dead). Some they kind of butcher but others turn into a fun and fresh look at... uh... in this case, total insanity. It kind of gave itself the mark of death too - no, it didn't claim to be based on a true story or events (impossible anyway), but there were a couple of spots where one could see a similarity to the movie The Matrix (not telling how) and the works of H.P. Lovecraft.

It sort of promises a sequel right away (some other films that have done that and flopped were Buckaroo Bonzai blah blah blah, Doctor Detroit, Remo Williams blah blah blah and Bubba Ho-Tep - whose director, funny enough, is in this movie). 


Here's a tip movie makers: If you wanna stick your neck out and say watch for the next installment of anything, first have a good movie, second don't name the damn thing something that's 20 words long, and third don't depend on star power in place of a good script, even if it's someone like Bruce Campbell.

Of course you can tell just by the first look at my blog that it is my favorite movie (I watch it several times a week). So why do I rip on it so badly? <Points at blog name> Sorry, gotta do it - it's in my contract. In fact, I like it so much that even if I wanted to make a little money off this blog and let advertisers on here I can't 'cause of the 'copyrighted' material on here. 

Uh fellas? It's about movies. Unless I just ask for and reprint reviews direct from publicists for movies, and as long as Google has tons and tons of pics of these movies, uh yeah, I'm gonna use them. So there.

So why watch a movie that tells you how it ends? Well, I guess the question would be, does it end as the title says? Well... uh... okay here's the basic breakdown and I'm not going to give too many spoilers 'cause this is a movie worth taking a peek and scratching your head over. But despite its comic appearance, this movie is NOT for children. I don't usually specify whether young ones should watch movies or not, but there are monsters and gore galore and that's good for us horror buffs, not good for a kid you want to sleep in his/her own bed for the next couple of years.


So we start with David Wong, writer of the book and our faithful narrator (pseudonym of Jason Pargin, who is also senior editor at Cracked.com). He waxes philosophic at the beginning about a bizarre situation, whether it happened to him or is just a question he has is not clear - we then jump completely away from that into the story.



He is relating a series of very VERY strange events to a reporter in a restaurant (Paul Giamatti) that happen to him and his friend John (who reminded me of an 80's era Val Kilmer) when they come in contact with THE STUFF... uh, sorry, wrong movie. They come in contact with THE SOY SAUCE, an otherworldly concoction of black oil-looking gunk that moves on its own. After that their world pretty much blows apart and the adventure begins.

Again, I don't want to give away too much because this is a truly weird and wild ride. Let's just say that time, space and events become liquid and things happen in no particular order, making for a movie you might have to watch more than once to follow. But both John and David are likable characters and of course, since I love anything Clancy Brown does, his performance as TV infomercial psychic Albert Marconi is just terrific. And Doug Jones, an actual contortionist, is always fun to watch.

Uh, yeah - you might want the kiddies in bed before this...

Needless to say there are guts, gore, mysteries, multi-dimensions and monsters (One is a creature that forms out of raw meat - must have been Lady Gaga... I thank the hubby for that giggle.) and an ending that leaves it wide open for a sequel. Which has been written already, titled This Book Is Full Of Spiders: Seriously Dude Don't Touch It. There is also a trailer for it (the book, no movie yet). So maybe.... yeah.

This freaking thing still haunts me...

You can check out JDATE on Netflix now, and the books are available through different sources which you can find on http://johndiesattheend.com/ which also includes the sequel book's trailer. Consider yourself warned.