NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! BUT I WON'T...

Skeleton Man (2004) SyFy Original Movie

Oy vey this was a massive stinker - both times! All through the movie I was saying (out loud which is usually why I watch movies alone) 'Geez I know I've seen this before' but I swore I'd seen it on TV and this movie had Michael Rooker and sounded... meh, and I didn't check it out first. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.


Turns out that this is a SyFy stinker of a movie that they added ONE 'F' bomb to and released on a DVD. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Let's make this short (pffft). Supposedly in the Pacific Northwest (also known as Bulgaria apparently) this dude is working on an archeological dig for Iroquois artifacts. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Huh. Iroquois warriors wore gloves. New one on me.

One, he's doing it in the middle of the woods, in a big, comfy home. Two, the Iroquois were nowhere near the Pacific Northwest OR Bulgaria. Three, just down the road is a power plant. Or a chemical plant. Or both. Or a nudie bar. It depends on who you read and talk to I guess. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Then we have Cotton Eyed Joe...

Whoops, sorry - it was Cotton MOUTH Joe. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Iroquois warriors also apparently
wore riding boots and used stirrups...

Cottonmouths (or Water Moccasins, or Pit Vipers, etc.) are found in the lower eastern parts of the United States - nowhere NEAR the Pacific Northwest. And show me ONE RECORD of an ancestral Iroquois warrior named JOE. Can't, can ya? In fact, this movie was originally CALLED Cotton Mouth Joe, but people wouldn't stop laughing so they had to change it.

Geez, he's whiter than I am...

Cotton Mouth Joe is basically a cheap skeleton in a cheaper black cape that was supposed to be riding a black stallion. He's been cursed (according to ONE blind old Indian sitting in the middle of the forest by himself in front of a campfire that isn't even burning for some reason) and now just goes around cutting off heads. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Is... is he riding sidesaddle here?

An ancient Iroquois warrior with a long black cape? Was that from Spooks-R-Us? The bargain bin? And the 'black stallion' was clearly a brown mare. Several in fact, in colors ranging from dark to red, and the white marks on the horses' faces differ from scene to scene. And I'm not even going to go into all the hatchets he used which he clearly bought from a Bulgarian Home Depot.

After a bunch of soldiers go missing (because the Pacific Northwest has a wormhole that goes straight to Bulgaria), a 'Delta' team is sent in to find out what happened. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

This 'Delta' team included specialists that had skills that would serve them very well in the forest (she said with poisoned sarcasm) - such as the chick who was an underwater demolitions expert. Uh huh.


They get killed off one by one, some by arrow, others by ax, the rest by spear. We get a few comical scenes of actors rolling down hills and very obviously having to push themselves to keep going down the hill. In fact, one scene has Michael Rooker rolling (sort of) down a looong hill. He started with a hat, rolls without a hat, ends up at the bottom with the hat. Hey, a magic hat!


Let's cut this down 'cause despite the sad attempts of Michael Rooker trying his best to save this damned movie, there's just not anything to save. Even the stupidity of the plot and the lack of continuity wasn't good enough to make this even remotely enjoyable. This is where their money went:

1. Michael Rooker
2. Casper Van Dien 
3. A helicopter to pick them up (even though it was clearly a four person helicopter at the most) and a toy to blow up against a grass hill. You heard me.
4. A tanker truck carrying something flammable to jackknife and blow to Kingdom Come (or maybe open the wormhole back to the Pacific Northwest, you never know).
5. Lots of models of the whatever-the-hell-plant-it-was to blow up at the end.

The supposed rescue helicopter blows up because 'Joe' shoots a WOODEN arrow and destroys the back rotor. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

The cab is sideways, he is on the ground, and then...

One soldier finds a road (with lots of traffic and lights of some town plainly visible not too far from it) and a truck whose driver has gone off to take the piss of death - I guess 'cause he never comes back. The soldier inexplicably steals it and makes it 1/4 mile at most, passing a sign that simply says 'North', sees 'Joe' and jackknifes the truck. The cab breaks away and the rest goes up in a ball of flame and then...

Whoops - too hot, gotta get it out further...

Uh, wait a minute. Back the hell up. Apparently, they only had that stretch of road to do stuff on because as the truck begins its little trick, the 'North' sign is still in the same place, but the truck is now facing the other way. 

Okay, that's better - go back
sideways in the road and lay down, 'kay?

And although they could afford the tanker explosion, they couldn't afford to damage the cab. The cab is at first sideways on the now-deserted road but when the camera cuts away, it is driving AWAY from the flames. The camera cuts away again, and the cab is once more sideways in the road. DUUUUUUUUH!!!!

So Rooker's character supposedly tricks the non-Iriquois Indian from Bulgaria into going into the chemical/power/I-have-no-freaking-idea plant before blowing it up. The end. Not. They show the cheap ripoff from the Scream movies riding his black... brown... red... whatever the hell horse it was... off into the woods for another, uh, skip it.

CURSE YOU, SYFY CHANNEL!!!



                        

Holy Crap! A Movie That Didn't Suck - Entirely

The Pact (2012)

Finding a halfway decent movie so close to finding the gem Saint Ange was a long shot, but this one fit the bill. The title really didn't though - they never really explain it, but this is a decent crime/thriller with of course your supernatural bent to it since that is what sells right now.

Dead bitch, err I mean lady...

We start with a woman Nicole who is trying to get her mother's things in order after her death. She is trying to get her sister to help her, but apparently this woman made both their lives hell, and the younger one isn't willing to just forget and let it go to give this bitch a proper funeral. So the older one is there herself, when (Sigh, can they PLEASE think of something original when the 'creepy' stuff starts?) lights start to flicker, she hears banging and footsteps. 

She's not so easy to scare though, and instead Skypes her cousin (Is that how you put that? I don't know anything about this new stuff.) to talk to her daughter. Reception isn't so great there (ah, the blessings of WiFi) so the video and audio keep cutting out. Finally she gets to a place where she can see and talk to the kid, just in time for her daughter to ask, 'Who's that standing behind you?' She whirls around, nobody there and the connection is lost. She's staring at a closet, apparently a place both girls spent quite a bit of their childhood against their will, and slowly walks toward it...

Damn, I guess I'm the one stuck in this movie...

A few days later her younger sister Annie is arguing with her cousin Liz, who's worried that Nicole hasn't come back for her kid. Apparently, both sisters have an adult history of just bailing when things get tough - can't help it, from the way they were raised. To be sure, the three of them go to the house, stay and go to her mother's funeral (sparsely attended, the woman was NOT popular) and it is revealed for no reason whatsoever that Annie has one blue eye and one green eye. Oookay. 

The three spend the night in the house. Annie is disturbed that all of Nicole's stuff seems to still be at the house, including her car. She tries calling her, and hears a phone ringing in the closet... opening it, she just finds it on the floor, nothing else. It has a strange photo on it (hate these smart phones, they look like so much hassle to use). 

That night she has a nightmare and breaks a picture of her mother accidentally... which is a folded picture with another pregnant woman posed next to her. What is it with this stupid thing of folding pictures for frames? If there's something you don't want to see you cut it off for crying out loud... There's the flickering, banging, stomping and Annie is checking the house when she is picked up and thrown against a wall - then dragged - then thrown again. 

This is a hell of a lot more stuff than you find in an entire PA movie... finally it stops and not finding Liz she runs out of the house to get the hell out... but hears a child crying and realizes she has to go back for her niece. She grabs her and runs to the police station - who of course thinks she's a nutburger, pretty much like her older sister. She meets a detective Creek (Casper Van Diem) who claims he wants to help.

Hey it's Mulder and Scully... wait...

But in douchebag police style he thinks she is the one that caused the two women to disappear. Nice. But he agrees to help anyway, and that night, not going near the house again, she stays at a motel. She keeps having disjointed dreams that may be memories but she has no idea - but the address of the picture with the woman on her sister's phone (which matches the dress the woman was wearing in the picture with her mother - apparently the only dress she owned) is real and she wants to check it out. 

I don't know if panties are street legal...

The dreams make her freak, and having nothing but a motorcycle she finds herself on it ready to bolt when a little girl tells her she has to wear a helmet - and she realizes she's sitting on the thing in just panties and a t-shirt. Ouch. Later as Annie goes through the papers her mother left behind she conveniently finds a blueprint to their house - which does NOT match the house she lived in. 

She takes the cop with her and breaking through a wall finds a door to another bedroom. She swears she has no memory of this room ever being here. Cop is no help, so who do we go to? That was rhetorical of course - in these movies they always look for a psychic.

If I had a personality I wouldn't have to be a psychic...

In this case it's creepy Stevie, a girl she knew in high school who 'has the power' or some dumb thing like that. In the hidden room, Stevie has a hysterical fit, repeating the name 'Judas'. They then see the corpse of a woman in a floral dress floating above them and Annie now realizes it is not her bitch mother's spirit that is haunting the house. They run like the wind, realizing that women in ugly house dresses might be all over the place for all they know...

Annie searches the word Judas online. This is kind of funny, because even though the screen is an exact copy, instead of 'Google' it says 'Global' - guess they didn't want to have to pay any royalties... which leads her to a page for Judas, a serial killer (What, no Lady Gaga? That video is a killer - pun intended...). The killer's last known victim was Jennifer Glick, and Annie identifies her as the woman in the floral dress with her mother in the photo. 

Annie goes to the address that keeps appearing on her phone (a Catholic school) and discovers photos of her mother and Jennifer together, realizing that the cross she owns, given to her by her mother, originally belonged to Jennifer. Why? Who the hell knows and by now if they don't pick up the story we're not going to care. Yes this woman, this abuser with secrets, was a devout Catholic, go figure. In the photos is also a man listed with the same last name as Annie's mother. 

Meanwhile going by himself in movie cop duh style, Creek returns 'cause one of his photos shows something off so of course he investigates without telling anyone and oops, he's killed. Bye Creek. You were worthless. Meanwhile back at the farm.... uh the Catholic school she asks about her uncle and finds that there's no records of him after 1980 so... now her devout mother was not only abusive and nasty, but housed a serial killer she damn well knew killed her friend. 

So... off we go again into the wild psychic yonder since normal help in these types of movies won't do (and somehow the murderer was extra spiffy 'cause she didn't find any of Creek's blood and there was a lot). Not having a Parker Brothers Ouija Board (ages 3 and up) on her, she writes with a black marker on the floor (naughty naughty) and uses her, I mean Jennifer's cross as the planchette. It works which freaks her out (Isn't that what you wanted? Make up your bloody mind...). Yeah, Jennifer's been 'warning' her by throwing her around like a rag doll. Yeah she's dead. Yeah Judas did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah blah blah... sorry. When they get to these boogeyman type of tactics it just takes away from what is actually a halfway decent mystery movie.

Suddenly she hears a noise and hides. Judas come up from the floor through a secret hatch. He leaves the room through the cupboard door and is heard crying. Annie looks down where he came from and (urp) there's Creek's body. Hating to touch him (hey, he can't help being dead) she grabs his gun. Her flashlight goes out and she tries her lighter and we know what's gonna come next and it does... the flickering light reveals her sister's head tacked on a wall. Double urp. 

Ghost moves her to the gun but can't shoot it herself?

Judas hears Annie and attacks her, tying her up. Annie breaks her hands free but Judas slashes her on the shoulder with a knife. As Annie breaks free, Jennifer's spirit pulls her away from Judas (how convenient, start calling her Casper - whoops, that was the cop, sorry) and to the gun, which Annie uses to shoot Judas. Staring at his dead body, Annie sees that Judas has one blue eye and one green eye, just like she and her mother. What the bloody hell does different colored eyes have to do with the price of rice in China or anything about this movie I mean... sorry, back to the story.

At the end, Annie has gained full custody of Nicole's daughter, Eva. With Liz and Nicole dead, the house has been sold and is being remodeled. The inevitable twist? You see in one of the holes in the wall of the house Judas' eye looking through... and one eye is blue and one is green. Ick, does that mean he was her father? And, uh isn't he dead and out of there? Ohhhh, right. Supernatural boogeyman bullshit. Forgot, sorry. Other than the stupid parts this was actually not a bad mystery and would have been much better if they had played it straight and kept the PA element out of it.