THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS CONTINUES!

Pure Terror
Continuing on with 50 classic horror films whether you're ready or not. I've got the tape recorder, I've got the dictation software - let's see how I do. It can't be any worse than these movies were - woof, what stinkers!







DISC THREE, MOVIE ONE

Vendetta Dal Futuro aka Fists of Steel aka Hands of Steel aka Vendetta From the Future aka Atomic Cyborg (1986) Italy/US

This Italian science fiction piece of garbage is even more tragic in that not only is it very, very awful, but an actor actually died during one of the stunts for this movie. That's way way way too high a price to pay for this horrid piece of film. It's really too bad too, because I really like John Saxon. He is a great character actor who just happens to have the bad fortune of being in some really horrible films. This would be considered one of them.

I... don't know what to say about this one...

But first, a little respect for a talented man whose life was cut short when the helicopter he was riding in crashed in Arizona: Claudio Cassinelli, who's name was misspelled on the movie's page (I corrected that), was an Italian film, stage and television actor. He began his career in theater, later dedicating himself to film and television work. He was 46.

The movie synopsis: An international industrialist is determined to stop interference of ecological scientists in order to continue his profitable, but environmentally unstable practices, by sending his cyborg out to kill them. That's the synopsis, folks, it doesn't get any better than that. This cyborg is supposedly 70% machine, 30% human. Now if there are any sex scenes, I'd like to see where this 30% went.

Sorry about that, but when you have to watch a movie of this stinkitude, you go for what you can get. In this case, if it's a man with a little extra, no harm, no foul. So this movie (because of the environment, not because of, well, you know) would be under the category that I made up myself called and eat ghosts ploy Tatian. Wait a minute, that's my dictation software trying to say an ecosploitation movie. Hey, I'm going to like this machine-made stuff. The laughs come fast and furious. No, I'm lying. The only laugh I get is the title card, as they use this font in all capital letters that is so thick and horrible that if I hadn't already known the title, this title card would have been absolutely no help.

Whaddya mean I don't get to meet the Pope?

Going through the credits I noticed that John Saxon's name is not coming up. Finally, toward the end, it says, 'featuring John Saxon'. That probably means that Mr. Saxon was on vacation in Italy, they were shooting this movie, somebody recognized him and told him 'Hey Mr. Saxon, how'd you like your Italian vacation paid for?' And so, amid all the Italians in dubbed English, Mr. Saxon delivers approximately 5 minutes of dialogue in order to give this movie some kind of name to try to draw viewers. I don't think that it worked. Especially since it was painfully obvious that NONE of this film was actually shot in Italy. And Mr. Saxon was most likely in Disneyland when they approached him.

We're introduced to a character that I'm just going to call Sweaty Guy. Sweaty Guy sweats everywhere. His face is sweaty, his arms are sweaty, even the backs of his freaking hands are sweaty. Somebody please throw this guy a towel.

The movie isn't very clear of course, because that would mean they would need better scriptwriters, a better story, and more money. The bad guys send this cyborg out to kill some scientist that is not really explained, as this is apparently some sort of future Italy, where everything is filthy and messed up. In other words, Italy is now New Jersey. 

Just kidding, New Jersey actually can be pretty beautiful. No hate mail, please. Point being, and I do have one, that all of these so-called scientists and we know they're scientists because they're wearing scrubs, meet in a filthy hotel rooms like in the future there's no Holiday Inns or something.

The bottles? Oh they're to wring my shirt out in...

Why is this cyborg so freaking sweaty? He's wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a vest over it, and we can tell it's the 80's by the way, his hair is all nice and blow-dried. And yet, he sweats. Nobody else seems to be hot. Maybe it's not sweat, it's lubricant. Eww.

Now I don't even wanna know exactly where that 30% is and what it's made of. And now I can't eat my lunch. Oh my Lord, he just looked at his wristwatch, and his wrist is sweating! I am thoroughly grossed out. This is the most unattractive Stallone wanna-be character I have ever seen. 

Plus the acting is horrible because you're only as good as the person who dubs you and these 'dubbers' were horrible. How do they do that exactly? I mean, you're talking back and forth, one in Italian, one in English, and yet you're supposed to be having a conversation? How does that work? Those are the questions I would be asking if I gave a damn.

Sweaty Guy and his bitch-slap of death...

Mr. Sweaty Guy also has the unique fighting style. I call it the Bitch Slap method. When threatened, he crosses both arms over his chest, waits for the bad guy to get into range, then whacks them in the face with both arms. What a guy. That is so. Not. Cool.

So, Mr. Sweaty Guy finds the fellow in the wheelchair he supposed to kill because it's so manly for an able-bodied cyborg to pick on a poor old man in a wheelchair. Somehow, we don't quite see how, maybe he showed them his armpit or something I don't know, he kills him. He then climbs out a window to get away.

Does this look like freaking Italy to you?

I would tell you that there are exciting car chases, hot and lusty Italian babes, and lots and lots of nudity. After all, this is Italian, but nooooo. It was filmed in the US, so clothes on, people. What we get is Mr. Sweaty Guy taking us on a driving tour for no discernible reason. And it continues, and it continues, and I'm nodding off, and I don't remember what happened to me during about a half-hour, but I do know I have a slight headache.

Not only did Mr. Sweaty Guy fail to kill the old man scientist in the wheelchair, but as the paramedics are packing the injured geriatric up, making sure he has that miracle blanket that all paramedics give their patients in every movie you've ever seen, these paramedics also show an incredible ability to see through a patient's body. 

As they're about to leave, they inform his supposed bodyguards that he is in deep doody, as his spleen has almost ruptured and he's losing a lot of blood. Let me repeat that. His spleen. Has almost. Ruptured. Wow. I guess in Italy, paramedics are required to get a degree in ultrasound. Plus, since the old guy was red in the face and had a teensy tiny blood spot on his shirt, I don't think he lost all THAT much blood...

Meanwhile, Mr. Sweaty Guy is hot footing it out of town. He has gotten a new ride, and drives within the space of minutes through several types of terrain. None of them match. He turns off to drive through some woods (?!?) and passes a sign that says, and I shit you not, Caution Acid Rain Ahead. Oh, really? Acid rain only falls on a certain and predetermined part of a forest? Nowhere else? Wow. 

Anywho, Mr. Sweaty Guy ignores the sign and keeps driving. Soon the acid rain is eating a hole through the roof of his car. As it drips inside, it hits him, but of course, since he's a cyborg, there's no pain. Just lots and lots of sweat.

You know Mr. Sweaty Guy doesn't know what country he's in...

So by now you've got a be wondering, that is, if you're still conscious, who's behind his existence and his commands? What you mean you don't care? Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to care. This is where Mr. Saxon earned his vacation money (Shh, don't tell him, you'll spoil it). He is the head of the corporation that manufactured and commanded the cyborg to kill the old man in the wheelchair. 

Mr. Saxon's character's pissed off because he has to spend more time on screen, since the cyborg did not kill the old man. Now he has to find out why. We now find out that Mr. Sweaty Guy's actual name is Paco Queruak. Sure, whatever you say guys, not like I'm going to write that down or anything. Oh, wait. Dammit. I don't like Paco, so Mr. Sweaty Guy he stays.

Now I listen through minutes and minutes worth of my own voice telling me that nothing is happening in this movie. Why did I do that? I knew that I would only be irritating myself later. But I did it anyway. Apparently, there was so much nothing happening in this movie that I had an aneurysm or something and my speech center just wouldn't shut off.

Alright, I've had enough of this movie. I'm going through my recordings and it's just cyborg is made to kill scientist, cyborg does not kill scientist, cyborg runs away, big corporation chases cyborg, cyborg wipes out most of corporation's employees because despite having superior (and futuristic looking - sort of) weapons, they shoot like Stormtroopers. And then, finally, John Saxon, so he can get on with his vacation (wink, wink). How? "You can control a man's mind but not his heart!" says Mr. Sweaty Guy, and he rips Saxon's heart out. I'm not kidding.

Does Mr. Sweaty Guy live or die? Guess what? You get to watch the movie if you want to know, because I'm done.

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LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT... OH CRAP THAT'S NOT SHAMPOO - IT'S A HAND HELD CAMERA FOOTAGE MOVIE ABOUT STUPID PEOPLE GETTING POSSESSED AND DYING! NO WONDER MY SCALP ITCHES!



Back From Hell aka Ex Inferis or From Hell (2011) Italian

Disclaimer: Nothing on the movie poster actually happens in the movie. Maybe they screwed up and made this poster for another movie and got confused, I dunno. For Americans who insist on making possession movies by the dozen, here's how it usually goes. You gotta be Catholic (sorry - not being discriminatory, the movie makers are), you gotta play around with spirits because it's 'fun', you gotta get possessed, you gotta get a priest for an exorcism, and of course, it's gotta fail. The end.

I guess Italians wanted to mix several types of paranormal movies together because they've been getting a bit behind so here we have our six unlikable people together on holiday going to an abandoned house in the country. What, no insane asylum? Close - it was a monastery (rim shot). A church with a priest living in it by his lonesome is next door. Raise your hands if this sounds really contrived to you. Now put them down 'cause y'all look silly raising your hands at a computer screen (rim shot).

We get the 'found footage' element by the first screen declaring 'Ecclesiastic-Military Commission For Investigation On M Phenomena Original Tape "Zero Manifestation"'. That means... absolutely nothing as far as I'm concerned. If you know, tell me 'cause I got nothing.

The camera footage starts (as it always does) with the car ride. YAWN. The guy usually has a new camera or is such a pest that everyone is constantly swatting at him. Yup, got that here too. We notice that one seems to be an unhappy couple, she being pregnant, he being (according to her) distant and not affectionate. Oh. brother. Is this an obvious set up or what? (Don't answer that, I won't hear you besides I'm finishing up my horror movie worksheet (patent pending).

One guy who apparently asked no questions UNTIL they got there is upset that it was a monastery because it 'blasphemes his religion'. It, uh, what? Pffft, never mind. The house was recommended to the pregnant woman because she was an architect and the Church wants to do a bit of restoration on the place.

It's their first night in this monastery so of course they all do the logical thing in the mashup of every duh movie you've seen in the past couple of years. Out comes the homemade Ouija board - but we also get the duh explanation that Oui is yes in French and Ja is yes in German. Good thing DUH pretty much is covered in all languages. The REAL scoop (since this movie is boring me to tears) is that the board was mass developed when two businessmen decided to make a 'standard' type board and patent it. One named Kennard decided that the name was ancient Egyptian meaning 'good luck'. 

When the production was taken over by a man named William Fuld, he decided to claim HE created the board and that's when the yes-yes name was popularized. He was so sure of himself that if anyone else even tried to make their own he would sue them - right up until his death (you thought I was going to say even after his death, right?). The board became a game for most, and is even mass distributed by Hasbro, which now holds all patents and trademarks (for 3 and up!) although it is sold by different companies under other names. Wow, this movie must be REALLY boring me, I can't even keep to it...

They play around with the thing and we get the obligatory table thumping, are-you-doing-that arguing, and answers they don't want to questions they shouldn't have asked. One always says "I knew we shouldn't have done this." while another says "I'm frightened." Every. Time. In other words, leave the damned thing in the box in the toy section of the store.

One of the guys (the names are different in the Italian and American versions) is the first to go buggy. He disappears and when they finally find him, he's drooling and being stupid. Movie-possessed stupid I mean. So we get an endless amount of dark and heavy breathing, until you want to scream (or just play video games on the side, I mean, really). For an obvious plot point (and a way to know when to watch 'cause something might happen) just listen for the noise distortion from the video camera - in this movie that means the spirits are interfering with it. Since you probably won't be watching this, it's a valueless clue but just in case...

Oh, and of course, the priest living all by his lonesome next to the place indicates that the Church is covering up something and now we have a Scooby team to break the mystery of the forgotten monastery. Grab your scooby snacks 'cause this just keeps getting dumber and dumber... The possessed guy goes nuts and gee whiz, there happens to be the priest, right there, with a rosary and a prayer on the ready... hmm, that's not suspicious or anything... and then the car goes plbbbt. Geez, that was a shock. In other words, my worksheet, I think, needs to become an automated computerized worksheet. That way I can fill in a word or a name here and there and tada! A review! (Patent pending of course.)

The priest attempts an exorcism on the part-time possessed person (apparently this demon takes holidays too) which of course doesn't work and the priest realizes they're in deep shi--- stuff (although it WAS funny to hear the priest say, 'Give us this day our daily breath'... pffft). The next to crack is the pregnant woman and the only flinchworthy scene of the movie, albeit a very brief one. She has gone out into the dark and self-aborted her baby. They find her covered in blood but alive.

Having drugged her and the father-no-more-to-be, the rest of the Scooby gang decide to give the ole' spirit board one more try since it's done them sooo much good up 'til now. And the duh factor rises and I'm really REALLY tired of movies made in the dark. But their little game gets broken up by the priest who tries to play Jesus and condemns them for blaspheming and knocks their little table and board over - only to have something shake the whole building. Uh huh.

Now we get a convoluted story about an angel and the knowledge of the world in a nutshell, as the saying goes. In other words, the movie makers had no freaking idea how to end this movie and it's just going to get longer. The remaining three decide to check exactly what's underneath because, umm, because... I have no idea, 'cause they need to fill up 97 minutes and we've had enough of the building in the dark so now we're going underground in the dark?

So after basically going past all the 'do not pass' stuff and getting into all the 'do not get into' stuff they find Clive Barker's Hellraiser puzzle box. I'm serious. The damned thing (although a bit bigger) is a rip off of his puzzle box. WTH?  The skeptic fudges with it, it glows, he disappears. Good, we're down to two (not counting the injured-but-dammit-they're-still-alive people in beds upstairs. 

The two find themselves outside again somehow and when they get to the building they hear a thump - it's one of the men (don't ask me I can't tell anybody apart in this dumb thing) and he's now dead. Okay NOW there's three left. Oops, sorry, I forgot about the part-time 'possessed' one - he shows up and the chase begins. They find the no-longer-pregnant woman dead of blood loss. How many does that make left that are alive? I've lost count and I don't care.

The half-possessed dude kills the priest with a waaaay too loud crack of his neck. The girl kills the half-possessed dude with a pipe. We've got WWE action going on now folks, now if they'd just turned the damned lights on we could see this but to save money it's happening in the dark which means she's probably whacking a big bag of nuts for all we know.

NOW WE ARE DEFINITELY DOWN TO TWO... I SWEAR THE MOVIE'S ALMOST OVER. We've got the camera man (natch) and the woman, whoever she is. It's the next morning. The car now runs. The two get in and go into town. It's empty, messed up, and a quarantine notice is running on all stations. Why? THEY DON'T FREAKING TELL US. There's stuff in the road like a bathtub and other junk. So they abandon the car and walk down the road. The man abandons his camera but leaves it running so we have our found footage. We hear a squeal and sloooooowly a man with a machete starts to follow them. Aaaaaand scene.

The movie tells us that Claudia and Mark (who?) are still in the quarantine area. Alessandro is still missing (who?). The area undergoing the M Phenomena (the what?) reached an extension of 27 km (where?) and that's it. That's all you get. Geez, I'd have rather had one of them wake up and have the whole thing be a dream than this convoluted story of NOTHING that tells us NOTHING, explains NOTHING and ends with NOTHING. You're welcome.

Oh, just for a laugh here's the summary written by someone for whom English is either a second or third language: Six ex-classmates decide to spend some holidays together. To enjoy a short rest period and some amusement, they rent a manor house in the countryside, upon where to forget the raving madness of the city life. After they get to know the priest living in the adjoining church, the group moves into the house. Very soon, the convivial mood progressively deteriorates, while in the house strange phenomena start to happen, apparently paranormal. The journey turns into a nightmare when Giorgio, one of the mates, starts to have aberrant behaviors, until he shows evident signs of what properly seems a diabolic possession. 

While Alessandro, his best friend, tries to find a scientific and rational explanation to the happenings, the other friends trust in Father Elia, the priest. He feels Giorgio is surely possessed by the devil, and tries to exorcise him. But in the end, all the people will figure out that what is happening goes over their ability to understand, and moreover, their possibility to control.

That didn't make sense to me either, don't worry about it. But it did make me giggle. A little. Wasn't worth the 97 minutes of watching though.

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BLOODBATH: A TWELVE MOVIE COLLECTION OF HORROR - SO THEY SAY. GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON KIDDIES, THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY BUMPY RIDE PART TWELVE - YES KIDS, THE DIRTY DOZEN IS OVER - CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?

Red Riding Hood (2003) Italian

This nightmare mish mash of reality vs. fantasy is about Red Riding Hood in that A: That's the title; B: The girl wears a hood (but it's black); C: Umm, that's about it. Wow. This is a movie about 12 year old Jennifer (Susanna Satta) about which there's a song running in the background telling the whole story in case you're interested. I was not. I could have sworn I'd seen this kid before but this was the only acting credit I could find. Of course she's not a kid now.

She was a child actor in Rome and moved to the States where she ended up in Arizona (?!?). She attended Arizona University and has a BA in Communications and Media Studies. She works for AdMix Social, Social Media Marketing Specialist,  a digital agency focused on Social Media Marketing.

Susanna advertises herself on website Model Mayhem: "My name is Susie and I moved here five years ago from Italy. I consider myself very international, energetic and positive. I love new creative concepts, so if you have any ideas please contact me through this site. I began acting in Rome, when I was very young. When I moved here I decided to focus on modeling and print work. 

I also have a passion for photography so I hope to learn more about being in front and behind the camera. I was born in Sassari. I decided to enroll in the faculty of foreign languages ​​and literatures of Sassari. In college I learned very good German and French. After a stay of five months in Austria I continued my studies... to graduate on December 13 of this year in modern foreign languages ​​and cultures."


I like this kid better than the one who begins this movie with "God forgives, I don't." Sheesh. Her dad is dead, her mom's a slut and her grandmother an actress with no time for her. But since mom's busy with her cougar lifestyle, grannie comes from the States to take her to New York with her. Jennifer doesn't like that. And what Jennifer doesn't like, you hear in the song in the background (Somebody make it stop!) and we get this;


Jennifer has a puppy named George. We never know this is true or not, because we never actually see a dog other than the first picture of the puppy. George grows up to be her only friend, and the one who kills for her. Literally. Oh, and he wears a wolf's head (sort of, looked more like a type of opera mask) and a black cloak. She wears the same. They both wear red boots and gloves. Okay. My horror worksheet (patent pending) is just about done.


Together on the streets of Rome this deadly duo brings justice. Well, actually what they bring is vigilantism but we won't quibble 'cause we want this over quick. Granny yells at her which pisses her off so she drugs granny and ties her to the bed. Granny has an allergy to peanuts so she gives her just enough that she can't yell for help. Then 'George' uses a drill on her knees. Jennifer makes sure Granny has plenty to read, including Misery <small chuckle>.


So what it boils down to is that Jennifer is a traumatized, rich, spoiled deluded murderous brat. Nice. The murders pile up as Jennifer lectures 'George' on just the right way to clean up and make sure there are no clues leading back to them. She falls in love with her tutor but when it is not returned, she plans nasty revenge. What a nice, charming, little piece of work.

This drags on a bit because hey, they've got 92 minutes to fill. Then Jennifer finds out she wasn't as careful as she thought - a 'blind' begger can actually see and what he's seen he's blackmailing her for - in her naive way she figures he wants twenty bucks - he wants twenty THOUSAND - a day. So he's signed his own death warrant because although he thinks he's got her, he hasn't been paying good enough attention. And the tutor has broken into the apartment, found her collection of trophy body parts (Did I forget those?) and calls an ambulance for her grandmother.

So the beggar has been dealt with (she makes sure he's good and blind this time) and gets back to the apartment to use her baseball bat on the tutor - then tells the ambulance that was called for her grandmother that it is for him. He regains consciousness in the ambulance and jumps out to save granny.

This is where a movie that made absolutely no sense goes one steps further and just does a WTF to the audience and makes shit up as it goes along. The tutor has put on 'George's' costume and is trying to persuade Jennifer not to kill her grandmother. As he gets close enough though, she stabs him, telling him George doesn't talk so derr.

Her aim's a bit off though and he takes the knife out to use on her - and she actually pleads with almost-dead granny to help her 'cause she's really a good girl, honest. Pffft. Then we get the 'six months later' jump.

Jennifer is in an institution writing to her grandmother, who has gone back to acting on stage in a wheelchair. As she's writing though, she sees a perpetrator she hadn't managed to have time to dispatch and so sneaks outside (wait, she's in an... never mind) but before she can do anything 'George' shows up on a bicycle and cuts the guy in half. He then rides off. Whaaaaa?

Oh it gets better, and by that I mean worse. She goes back inside and finds the bicycle in the hallway. Bloody water is coming out from under a closed door. Inside she finds a bathtub full of water and George's costume. She puts her head under the water to find him - nothing. But when she stands up again, up pops her zombie father. I know, I know - massive stupidity on a hereto unknown scale in horror movies. He's really messed up but she still loves him anyway, bullet hole and all. Together they sing 'Que Sera Sera'.

No, I'm NOT kidding. Why would I make that up? I have my standards you know. The only thing I can say about this last scene is - it made me scratch out the lower part of my horror worksheet (patent pending).

And patient readers, that is the assortment under Bloodbath, available from Amazon for a little over four bucks new or three and a half bucks used. Now you know why.

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NAZIS IS THE CWAZIEST PEOPLES



Stone's War aka War Of The Dead (2011) US/Lithuania/Italy

I've stopped calling movies that use 'Of The Dead' Romero ripoffs 'cause he doesn't seem too terribly to mind and there are so many now they're not even associated with Romero's zombie movies anymore. This one is set in World War II which I confess I have little knowledge of, having had decent teachers and a good school but no head for history (I only memorized stuff long enough to pass tests) and thus had to look a lot of stuff up to understand what this was about (and whether stuff was legit or not), as well as try to enjoy what was surprisingly a decent zombie movie with minor complaints.

The movie starts by stating this: In 1939, along the Russian border with Finland, Nazi Germany begins secret underground "Anti-Death" experiments on captured Russian soldiers. Two years later they abandon the experiments. All records are destroyed overnight by direct order of Adolf Hitler. The test subjects are piled into mass graves, and buried. Finland, 1941: A small, elite unit of American soldiers is dispatched to assist a Finnish task force in their fight against the Russians. Their mission: to destroy the Russian bunker. This much is true.

Okay, back to me. Now the hubby is a lot more savvy at this kind of thing than me, and immediately said 'Finland? They were part of the WWII Axis.' I just looked blankly back at him (I'm good at that) but did a little research to get the ole' gray cells working. There were three countries that signed a Tripartite Pact - Germany, Japan and Italy. Later Finland became what was called 'co-belligerent' meaning, I guess, that although they didn't sign anything, they sided with the Germans. For a while.

This is a problem for the movie 'cause the whole point is that a platoon of American and Finnish soldiers are on a mission to blow up a German bunker. Since Finland sympathized with the Germans this is... not quite right - but let's get to the good part. Despite what might have been little inaccuracies (discounting the Finland one) in uniforms, weapons, etc. this was actually a solid zombie movie and was fast paced from beginning to end. Captain Stone and his American troops together (for the movie) with Finnish soldiers need to find and destroy a bunker in a German forest. 

Well they seriously underestimated things and most of the soldiers are wiped out in the first few minutes, leaving only a few who actually make it to the bunker. They find a young German soldier who surrenders, offering to help. Why? His girlfriend lives in a small village near the bunker and he wants to get her out of there. He kind of has an idea what's going on. Very quickly we have one American, one Finn, and one German with his girlfriend. And we find out what's been happening.

Even though the three made it to the bunker over the bodies of scores of soldiers, all of a sudden they are attacked by those same soldiers. Who don't go down when shot - unless it's in the head. Maybe. The bunker was a center of experiments and the soldiers 'juiced' with something that made them even more dangerous dead than alive. It plays on the constant theme that Adolf Hitler, heavily into the Occult, managed to overrule death and make super soldiers out of dead ones. That's stupid but hey, this is a zombie movie so, yeah.

Set in Russia, this movie was actually filmed in Lithuania and was the most expensive film ever made there. So expensive that they ran out of funds (it was shot in 2007 but only released in 2011 when they had the money). Uh, yeah, I guess it would be. The gore is decent but the zombies were badly done and looked very lazy. 

As for who shot what kind of weapon, the 'good guys' mostly had, from what I could see, something close to (not actually) a Russian PPSH41 sub-machine gun (without a pistol grip) with a ventilated shroud. What's puzzling is why it took eight years and many cast and crew changes to finish this movie. This wasn't the bloody Lord Of The Rings trilogy after all - it is what it is - a decent if not great zombie flick in a sea of stupid zombie flicks and worth a look if you're bored.

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SCIENCE FICTION DISGUISED AS HORROR







Hidden 3D (2011) Italy-Canada

Saying this movie is in 3D is just warning you that the most you will get is thinking that you're getting bugs in your hair, that's about it. I'll explain that, but you'll wish I didn't. Why they call this mess horror and not sci-fi I dunno, maybe 'cause sci-fi is kind of getting reduced to things about aliens or animals that have morphed with other animals like Dinocroc (or if you're really lucky Supershark vs. Dinocroc) and 2-Headed Shark Attack.

This piece of dreck is about fireflies. Or a type of bug anyway. The actual one they kept showing seems to be a cross between a bee, a large dragonfly and, uh, whatever they felt would look good in 3D for the rest. A woman named Dr. Carter is performing experiments with the venom or whatever of this particular nasty bug, determining that it might be used for people's addictions. 

Now the really retarded part (No, really!). Instead of just curing them, she thinks the venom takes those addictions and turns them into physical form, which can then be removed by surgery. Ooookay. But no, they have to duh it down even further by claiming that these physical forms of the addictions are beginning to form life signs of their own. In short, bug juice turns your naughty inclinations into a baby. Ooooooh brother. She has a young son (not an addiction I'm assuming) who lives with her though he wishes he didn't.

Skip ahead skip ahead the way these things always do. Mom and son Brian have been estranged for years. When she dies, he doesn't even go to the funeral. But being her son he still inherits what she calls The Sanctuary, the place he lived and hated which was where she conducted her experiments. He was told the building had burned to the ground. So we get our group of people we really don't care about together to take a tour of the property. To his surprise, the place is a huge, former monastery that could be worth a chunk of money.

But they find a bug. A BIG bug. I don't care how many times they called it a firefly, it wasn't. But it was big enough I suppose to make their 3D effects, uh, effective. It certainly didn't make this movie interesting. In fact it was a major snore. The mother had created a machine called Ventris. I looked that word up and other than being a crater on the moon, it was mostly names for different people. No help there. But as they look through the place they find more and more creepy stuff, showing that Brian's mother also performed surgical experiments as well as her addiction treatments. Bad, bad little piggy.

And to get our group to start dying one by one - apparently the 'children' of these experiments have been living, growing and reproducing there - nasty little things that look like nice kids with Cthulu-type faces that rip into Brian's friends. I think they stole most of their warped face ideas from Grave Encounters. But the gore is mostly missing, there's a bit of blood but not much else. Including any kind of action unless you like 3D movies that spend most of their time lurking in dark tunnels. Hope you enjoyed paying extra for the glasses.

Finally they discover that the 'agent' whose been giving them the tour is actually the main patient who brought forth the first 'child' in the doctor's experiments. She has been having more children, cannibal children, but needs to 'feed' them, hence Brian and his friends. Oh, and when they're in a corner, the little brats can explode into a cloud of fireflies. Just to warn you - not of a scare, but of a major DUH that happens several times in the movie.

 In the end, Brian and his girlfriend, the smart one (there's always one) make it out of the Sanctuary and we think all the bad guys are gone. Except for one final fly buzzing in your grill at the end. DUH.