AND NOW, A LITTLE BREAK FROM REALITY - AND GOOD TASTE




Potpourri (2011)

No this isn't a sick movie about the infamous non-zombie potpourri drug incident that we all know the details well enough that I'm not putting them here. This movie is totally out of its ever-lovin' mind, but not because of the supposed 'salts' that make users hungry enough for... uh... unconventional foods. This movie, which includes a video reviewer to do my work for me, is about, and I quote: A drug induced time travel holiday fantasy musical comedy with zombies - based on a true story.

You can take that all as fact, except the last part of course. Since the movie reviews itself, I'm not going to work against their own criticisms. These are the basics parts you'll find: A group of psychology students have a term paper that will make or break them due in two days and like most students most haven't even begun them. So they do what all students do - blow it off and have a party.

Enter the party-maker. He's a dude with all the connections and gives each person their own party favor if you know what I mean, based on their personal preferences and convictions (one does not drink, one is a confirmed virgin and planning to stay that way). What that has to do with drugs, don't ask me.

But each student's trip with their specialized drug (I loved the one that's jelly you smear on your chest - kind of a Vick's VapoDrug) is vastly different, that's where we get the fantasy - musical - zombie aspect. Ultimately it's up to a boy they call 'Home School' to save the day with his (non-drug induced) powers of time travel.

The drugs are not named (and none looked like 'salts' so no screams of disgust please) but are plentiful as is alcohol use and the rest of their budget seemed to go to the gore used in the zombie scenes so...

Yup, it's THAT kind of movie.

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HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU





Shrooms (2007) Ireland

I've always said to parents that you might as well save your money and let your kids get the jobs America needs anyway (there are far too little blue collar workers anymore) 'cause college just gets kids killed. At least in the movies they do. And  in this one... I mean seriously, would you want to shell out thousands for a college education for your young one if you realize that your hard work means that THEY CAN FLY CLEAR THE HELL TO IRELAND JUST TO DO MUSHROOMS?

There is one smart girl (there's always one) who's mainly going because she's sweet on that particular Irish dude that's invited them all to fly 4,200 miles (or more) just to do drugs with him. How special. The particular mushroom that apparently is the rage (for idiots) in Ireland is called forpsilocybin mushrooms, also known as shrooms or magic mushrooms. In the right dosage (which nobody is going to use, I mean c'mon) they can act like an anti-depressant. A feel-good munchie. However, you've got to be careful (if you're stupid in the first place to eat these suckers) because a look-alike with a slight difference is called a deathcap mushroom. At least in the movie it is.

In real life, a deathcap mushroom looks more like an edible mushroom called a caesar or straw mushroom. But oh well, no matter 'cause this movie makes about as much sense as Yellowbrickroad and incredibly is even more stupid. Why? Because dear children, these exact same type of mushrooms GROW RIGHT HERE IN THE BLOODY STATES. Now don't you feel great about spending all that money on your child's education?

I mean even if you set aside the fact that these idiots go clear to another country just to do this, their stupidity just grows from there, like that's even possible. The 'smart girl' (she said with sarcasm) runs into a deathcap and eats it. Why? To get the movie going stupid. She has a seizure but seems to recover. That night while the group of idiots are around the fire, their upcoming drug trip simmering in a tea on the fire, the Ireland idiot decides to tell them a gruesome story. Oh that's a smart thing to do with people about to be on a wacked out drug trip. It has serial killers, supernatural crap and other stuff - the typical boring as hell never happened stuff. But they all take it seriously and become scared.

And from here the movie gets worse. How could it get worse? Oh my children, never underestimate the power of a bad movie maker. From here we get a one-by-one kids getting killed scenario (for which I'm always glad 'cause each kid killed means we're closer to the end) with the 'smart girl' somehow always getting away. They throw in a couple of 'squeal like a pig' type characters so you think that they probably are doing the killings (if you're stupid and I know you're not) but...

Somehow somebody missed these idiots and sent out a helicopter to find them - of course only finding the 'smart girl' alive. Why do I keep putting that like I'm being sarcastic? She IS the one who ate the deathcap - on purpose if you ask me. An ambulance gives her that magic blanket (you know, the main medicine of ambulances) and says she's going to be all right. We then get the entire movie again (fortunately in very short flashbacks) that shows that SHE is the killer. She smiles, and next we see her pressed against the ambulance windows with bloody hands and fortunately our trip is now over.

I think we have plenty of drugs in the United States that we don't need to go clear across the world (okay just a long way away) to get wasted, okay? Oh, and you don't have to make a movie about it either. Drugs are bad, m'kay?



                              

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU

The Demon Within
aka The Sculptress (2000)

This is a cautionary tale: If you are French and want to study art in San Francisco, don't come crying to me when you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Seriously. And Jeff Fahey what the hell? You're seriously trying my willingness to watch a movie because of who's in it. Am I being really really silly chiding a man for starring in a 13 year old movie? Yes. Yes I am.

For those not familiar with Mr. Fahey, I first noticed those incredible baby blue eyes of his when he played the greasy (but gorgeous thank you very much) Deputy Tyree in the star-studded Western-when-Westerns-weren't-cool Silverado, a movie that also boasted the likes of Danny Glover, Jeff Goldblum, Kevin Costner, and Linda Hunt, just to name a few. It was one of my faves in 1985 and probably the only Western I'd seen on purpose in my whole life.

So I'm a Fahey fan - it was a trio in the 80's and 90's - him, Rutger Hauer and Clayton Rohner. So sue me. Everything they were in, I absorbed. Now I see them and think shit, what happened? Then I look in a mirror and think oh yeah, it's been almost thirty years and hey, they all still look pretty damn good. Better than me, that's for sure. Scruffy and all. Can you tell I really don't want to get into this movie? If they've gotta name it twice just to get people to see it, it's a pretty good indication it's going to suck. If it has mostly people you've never heard of, suck suck suck suck suck.

So Sarah is in an art class in San Francisco but she has a real problem (besides being from France and able to afford an apartment as well as enrolled in a prestigious art school with no discernible income). One, she apparently has a psychopath living next to her. Two, the devil wants her. More specifically he wants the psycho to have a baby with her and boom, demon child. But small problem (pun intended). The psycho, Matthew (Jeff Fahey looking like he's either totally drunk or stoned through the whole movie - sorry Jeff) is an <takes deep breath> ex-Catholic priest who is also impotent and thus incapable of having sex with all the little boys - oops, sorry, wrong sin - girls he pursues so he kills them. Whew. 

So according to movie rules, Satan has to do the dirty deed himself. Well, not himself, he has to use an incubus. And if she's a virgin <laughs into sleeve> the woman becomes a succubus (oh really - must be rules just for this movie) and will have a demon child.


So Matthew kills, Sarah sculpts the victims while in a fugue state and the teacher meddles where he ought not. Sounds about right. Since Sarah is a Catholic, of course she turns to - well first she turns to a medium, tarot cards and books about meditation and her teacher. THEN she turns to the church. Meanwhile Matthew, who hadn't been aware of Sarah before is getting massively irritated by her constant chiseling (she's chiseling clay with a bang bang sound like it's marble or something - DUH) then discovers she's his 'type' and installs a peeper's camera so he can - well, he can't do anything, can he?

So Sarah has an ultimate choice - die or become possessed. At least according to one of the millions of dependable mediums practicing out there <laughs into sleeve again>. Matthew decides to pursue her and chases her down to the bay. Um, I've been to San Francisco and I know where the art institute is (although they show a different building so maybe...) and folks, it is miles from the Golden Gate Bridge. But <shrugs> that is where they are and that is where he manages to dump her into the water - but not before she stares up at - something that has a gargoyle on it (one of the things she sculpted while in a trance). 

Um, I'm sorry but I was all over there and nothing like that was anywhere NEAR it unless my mind is seriously lacking (which cannot be ruled out). She stares, Matthew attacks, glub glub.

Sarah's apartment is now empty so time has passed. Matthew is still scheming and screaming at himself as he wants and can't have more women. Then he keeps hearing the sound of a chisel. Through the hole in the wall he sees nothing. But he keeps hearing it (a chisel is pretty loud against clay you know) and he can't resist - he climbs through the window. Nothing. Until he turns around and sees her. 

Sarah is standing there naked (demurely so, apparently Succubi have modesty) looking like a statue herself. Until her glowing eyes open and he screams like a little girl. Our final scene is Sarah speaking to someone from her apartment in France where she apparently has found fame. And a sperm donor. Sarah is very pregnant and we know what that means, right? Right? WAKE UP!!!


                              

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU






Vampegeddon (2010)

Ah c'mon who can resist a title like this one? And it does involve college students dying so - yeah, bring on the pain! Actually the main reason I picked this one is because of a couple of reviews that were under it that made me laugh so hard I almost wet myself. Since they're anonymous I think it's safe to copy them here:

1st Story: I worked on this film. We knew it was bad when we were filming. The production team consisted of a bunch of film students shooting nonsense in the Arizona desert on a $2500 budget. We shot the whole thing in about 10 days. And to be honest, most of us were drunk a good portion of the time. Fun was had by all.We apologize for this film.

2nd Story: I worked on this as well, and I can confirm what the other guy said. I, for one, was incredibly drunk through the entire shoot. I don't think anyone involved thought that this would ever wind up anywhere other than a garbage bin.This will probably be the worst film you ever see. Please, please do not watch it.

After reading that, how could anyone resist finding out what is just so bad about this movie? Especially me. So we have the basic vampire story, according to this film starting in 1213, and leading up to the great exodus of vampires from Europe into the new world. We then get a bit of the 1800's as the main hunter confronts the main vampire. Both 'die'.

Fast forward to the present and five college friends, trying to portray goth kids. It's not flattering. Goth kids get so much abuse anyway that's undeserved, just because of the way they look and these idiots portray them in the worst light. One of the girls wants out of their dead end town by becoming, uh, undead I guess. How that would help I dunno. But her logic of 'If I don't become one of the undead I will be stuck forever in this place.' doesn't make sense at all. But then again these five also are pushing 30 so we're not really sticking to authenticity or logic here.

And there's no story. The makeup was drop dead funny, the soundtrack kept cutting in and out and the cinematography was a laugh and a half. The costumes? Apparently vampires love wearing cheap black capes down to the ground as well as red lace uh, scarves? We've got goth kids looking for a thrill, two massive idiots looking to mess with the goth kids, and a vampire looking for a new, uh, life? 

The girl who wants to be undead named Melissa passes a strange garage sale where the man insists she take an ancient book - he being what I guess you'd call a ghoul or something as he receives a bunch of bites from sexy women who all looked exactly alike.

Long story short, the kids succeed and the main vamp is resurrected - and so is the hunter, into the body of one of the girls, Liz. Suddenly she has the hunter's English accent and is kickass around vampires. The main vamp prepares Melissa for 'marriage' in the longest scene of nothing I have ever had the pain to witness. He basically spends about 20 minutes feeling her up while she's in bra and panties. Then they lose the bra, probably sensing they're losing their audience. More feeling up, blood being spilled all over her. 

Her other friends (except for Liz) are now either vamps or dead. But it comes down to the main vamp and the hunter once again and once again the vamp is vanquished. He is stabbed in the heart (duh) but there is no blood and no hole in his shirt. Okay that's just plain lazy.

Since Melissa is a lesbian and Liz, still possessed by the hunter was a heterosexual man they now have a chance at some sort of relationship - for some reason, Melissa is still 'marked' and so Liz says she has to be protected. Why? Oh no, you're not going to ask for logic at this point are you? Besides, the movie's over.

Oh but one thing: I'd love to have the ring the main vamp had on his middle finger - it ran the length of his finger and was really bitchin'. Sorry about that but I can be silly too.




                              

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU

Ripper aka Ripper: Letter From Hell (2001) Canada/UK

This must have been Movies That Make Absolutely No Sense And Doesn't Care If You Like It Or Not day because this was the second one that had me going 'Whaaaaa?' through the whole thing, although it wasn't really interesting enough to analyze carefully anyway. You see (she said sarcastically to the C-B film makers of this crappy thing) when you want to have a mystery and thriller and horror movie, you have to have a story that makes sense, clues that keep the audience into the story and paying attention, and a conclusion that is consistent with the clues and makes the audience say 'Aha, so THAT'S what happened.' You, sirs or madams, have done none of the above.

The case of Jack The Ripper in itself was not a solvable crime . The times were too early for things such as forensics, the newspapers made most of the story what it was for the titillation of their readers (The killer NEVER referred to himself as Jack the Ripper, that name was made up by the press.), authorities were looking for a quick end to a messy situation, and the true identity of the nasty 1880's killer will probably never be known (Note: Late in 2014, using DNA evidence, the identity of JTR was revealed - so they say.). Whether he was a member of the Royal house, a physician or simply someone handy with a knife, his identity continues to be hotly debated. So if his case still doesn't make much sense, I guess expecting a movie based on his exploits can't make much more... right?

In this attempt at a clever story, a girl named Molly is seen escaping (we think) a killer after said killer has already butchered her friends. Five years later she takes a forensic psychology class from famous expert Marshall Kane. They discuss how anyone can be a killer with the right background and triggers. Molly is a bit of an uber bitch which distances her from her classmates, who only tolerate her because they have to be in the same study group. Some later go to a rave. There one is attacked and killed in the manner of the Ripper's first victim. 

Right now I'm kind of rooting for the killer because we're about an hour into the movie before the surviving study group members (after another is killed) decides to form their little Scooby group and solve the mystery. Duh. Thrown into this messy mix is Detective Kelso (Jurgen Prochnow in a puzzling appearance but still great hair) who was on the scene of the first massacre when Molly was rescued and is now watching her because why now? Oh yeah, he claims the killer is back. How? We dunno and they're not telling.

So we have a few more murders, protracted 'angst' moments with Molly as she agonizes over who knows what, plus a weird sex scene between her and her teacher. Ick. Not. Sexy. At. All. When those left alive in the study group, who seem to be the targets find out about Molly's past they're more than pissed. They figure they've become victims because of her - but (another 'clue' that made absolutely no sense) they discover their group's initials all match the Ripper's victims and the order of the murders. Okay I call extreme BS on this one. This makes no sense, the clues are ridiculous and are a million in one chance... okay you know what? Let me just finish this sorry thing off...

As we trip the light fantastic back to the original massacre we see a different scene than shown at first. Molly sees herself as the killer, and only posed as the victim because she either A. Became an amnesiac and forgot she was the killer or, B. Was a very good actress. I'm going for C. This movie is total bullshit. And what about the person with the black gloves who tried to get her and she stabbed in the hand? 

 And the fact that the end of the movie shows 'five years later' (wow, what timing) Molly has written a best-seller, living it up in the city while her former teacher, convicted of the killings is electrocuted - but then shows Molly thrown into an insane asylum. Huh? What? Ohhhhh, like the original killings, we're not supposed to know definitely WHO the killer is. That's a load. It could have been Molly, or it could have been Detective Kelso, since he was on the original scene and in every other scene in the movie in black gloves (like the one she stabbed) or it could have been... the writers of this horrible movie 'cause nothing and nobody makes any damn sense at all.




                              

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU





Nightwish aka Nipples Ahoy! <Nah, just kidding> (1989)

This little gem was hiding on the Netflix list (not listed under college horror) probably because 1. It's a professor and his four grad students (Maybe too high an education?) and 2. As a gem I'd say this was cubic zirconium. I really hate saying that too 'cause this movie stars (and even top bills) Clayton Rohner who, in the 80's and part of the 90's I really liked. 

I still do, it's just that he did a lot of stuff then and I had a 'list', him, Rutger Hauer and Jeff Fahey and a couple of others that I kind of obsessed over movies with them in them, and I had missed this one. I wish I still had. Oh and nice rip-off of the catch phrase for Alien guys... duh.

This movie was so... blah that even the IMDB didn't even bother to get the right poster for it for their review - see, if you bring up Nightwish in images you're mostly going to see rock bands (especially of the band - wait for it - Nightwish) and apparently they got some poster of a concert instead of the movie. SALTS...



It started off as being almost interesting: Four students are helping a professor in the study of projecting dreams. Their goal is to try to actually die in one, to get to and experience death and also be able to wake up because this isn't NOES. That's when I noticed Clayton (who I hadn't known was in this) - the 'smart' girl (there's always one) Sara was in the 'dream tank' and her dream involved finding and running away from a zombie (who I looked at and kind of said heeeeyyyyy....) and sure enough boom, Clayton Rohner. Looking very good for a zombie too. But she got too scared (Of her own friends?) and 'failed' by not allowing herself to be killed.



So the professor suggests they take their 'experiments' out to the field and here's where the movie begins it's fast paced trip to nowhere. Suddenly we're not talking about dreams and projection, suddenly we're being handcuffed to the wall with a pentagram and a candle on the floor trying to bring forth a demon in this old spooky mansion. Wait a minute, did I miss something here? 

Unfortunately no. Here is where the movie suddenly decides it wants to be about everything (and I do mean everything): Ghosts, demons, aliens, dreams - the Parapsychology department (a specialty that doesn't exist in any college anywhere) is apparently trying to use science to either prove or disprove any of the above. 



This idea was already done and done better in The Legend Of Hell House in the 70's, based on a story by Richard Matheson. And these guys prove nothing but that they can make a really dumb movie last for 92 minutes. Sorry Clayton, but even your character got pretty whiny towards the end (of course your character had one of his fingers cut off so...) and the overall tone was just sooo fake: The professor ends up being a maniacal figure who's been fired from universities for getting his students killed (Don't they go to jail for that?), the demon/alien angle doesn't pan out (or at the very least is way too silly to be credible in any form) and the acting goes from flat to just plain dumb.




In the end the smart girl gets killed - and we suddenly find ourselves back to the beginning of the movie in the  sleep tank lab. Oh great, another mind you-know-what, one of those nothing-really-happened-it-was-all-in-her-head movies when she gets up, mumbles that she doesn't want to graduate that badly and tries to leave. The door opens... to another door. And another. And another. And.... is she dead or is she stuck in her dream or did we just waste 92 minutes not really caring what the hell is going on...




                              

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU








Ryeong (Dead Friend) 
aka The Ghost (2004) S. Korea

I thought I'd put a little foreign higher education up for a look-see to find if their students fare any better than American ones when it comes to going off to college only to get themselves killed. Being an Eastern film, I knew this wasn't going to be about machete wielding psychos or friends going on break in some remote place to get picked off one by one.

If you've ever watched Eastern movies you know that they mostly have a whole different set of fears than the Western world, mainly of angered or nasty ancestors, ghosts, ghoulies, etc. Anything that has to do with the spiritual world is the stuff of their nightmares. The American poster of this movie says it's a combination of Dark Water and The Grudge. I'd say it's more a direct ripoff of The Ring which of course rips off Ringu. In any language this film had not a single interesting thing about it. The sight of Asian girls looking wickedly through wet hair has long lost its scare potential and this movie depends on that scene a lot.

The basics 'cause a complete story is pedantic, we have two girls growing up together as friends and of course as things go one goes on to friend others while the other is left behind. The four girls use her to their advantage but don't really like her. Fast forward to high school and they are even more cruel.

Now Min Ji-Won is in college although she is an amnesiac after some accident she, of course, can't remember and no one will tell her. She feels well enough to leave college, go overseas and start over as... whoever she is now. But her amnesia is starting to fall apart - bits and pieces of her past come flooding in her dreams and in real life - and she finds that the girls she went to school with (the three she hung with) are dying, and the one they ignored has been missing for over a year.



It doesn't take a college graduate (or an expert movie reviewer either) to figure this out the first time ole' soggy bottom shows herself - obviously something happened to the unpopular one and she drowned, causing Ji-Won's amnesia. Duh. But this movie takes 95 minutes to get to the point and we get droning story with little 'eeks' here and there to keep it a supposed 'horror' movie. And finding the dead girl in the water perfectly preserved after a year under because the water 'is full of arsenic' was just a massive DUH.

 The only interesting effect was, instead of crawling out of a television, the drowned pissed off spirit crawls up from a wood floor - a mixture of wood and water that they did a pretty good job of mixing together - a little shaky, but still pretty good. 

It reminded me of My Chemical Romance's video The Ghost Of You, when they blended a veteran's hall with a battlefield - great effects all around.

But since these things never have happy endings, the amnesiac finds out she's really a stone cold bitch, we get a 'who's got the spirit' sequence that really is not explained AT ALL, Ji-Won slashes her wrist to keep the spirit away but the spirit's not going to give up and is still (unknown to Ji-Won) possessing the dead girl's mother. Possibly hoping for a sequel I suppose.




                              

HIGHER EDUCATION WILL KILL YOU






Spiderhole (2010) UK/Ireland

I don't know what it is about those who are students thinking that they are somehow privileged people that deserve more than other people get. It makes it pretty hard to feel anything for them, much less be sorry for them when they get themselves killed in movies like this.

In this case it is London (and parts filmed in Ireland but I don't know which parts) and four art students (close enough to college I guess) are tired of the bourgeois lifestyles of the people around them. At least that's what they're telling themselves - actually they can't afford being students and are looking for a free ticket to continue their studies (and parties) without the expense.

Official squatters symbol.

Squatting consists of occupying an abandoned or unoccupied area of land and/or a building - usually residential - that the squatter does not own, rent or otherwise have lawful permission to use. There may be  one billion squatters globally, that is, about one in every seven people on the planet. Some 'squat' at properties for political reasons. These kids are just cheap.

So they look around. It's not that hard to find abandoned properties, especially with the world economy pretty much in the dumper. Sure enough, the same day they find a huge house, boarded up and they are home. Now while they were packing, there was a news story blaring on the TV - veteran watchers of horror movies know this is a crummy but much used way to provide backstory or warning that is universally ignored. 

It seems that about 20 years ago a family of three disappeared - mother, father, little girl named Daisy Grey. The parents were found cut apart and flung in a field, the little girl never was found. Remember that. And it's okay if you roll your eyes 'cause yes, that just gave away the rest of the movie.

From the beginning these four, two guys, two girls, are completely unlikable. Feeling society 'owes' them and squatting is their 'right' they bust into this house and make themselves at home. They're kind of unsettled by the place, as it seems to make a lot of noise, and is fortified with steel. But they settle down to party for their first night, getting drunk. They wake in a stupor, one is violently ill. They don't believe it was the alcohol. Although it is well into morning, it's still dark inside.

To their horror (and me rolling my eyes) they find that all the doors they busted into and put their own locks on have been bolted shut from the inside - the windows also have bolted steel on them and there is no way out. They frantically start looking for any exit and this is where it goes from annoying to downright teeth gritting. 

These four turn quickly into blubbering wussies, crying, panicking, slamming and breaking things in their attempt to find a way out. It's no use - apparently they were gassed (they assume) and while they were out their fate was sealed (sorry for the pun). 

Then one of the boys disappears. They have no idea what happened to him but they hear his screams throughout the house. Earlier they had found a room with four crudely made metal chairs (duh) and they run there thinking to find him - a bit too late. All they find is fresh blood on the floor.

If you think it's going to get really exciting from here, sorry. What we get is interminable whining and crying (mostly from the other guy, sheesh) as they continue to panic and try to break out. It's not going to happen. The first guy to disappear, Toby, is finally seen with our antagonist - an old man for crying out loud, these people can't fight that? 

His backstory in a nutshell: He idolized his father (has a shrine for him) who was a surgeon, attacked and killed by ???, and his son got enough medical training as a morgue attendant to exact his revenge on.... well, not on the killers, but on everyone else.

Toby has been mildly tortured but now it's the big leagues - he loses an eye. The other two run (one girl can't - the guy cut her legs off) but are gassed as well after being tricked into beating Toby to death (he was dressed in the same overalls as the, uh, psycho I guess) and find themselves about to meet their fates.

Oh, the TV news item that was so conveniently placed? Well this is the guy who grabbed the family 20 years ago - and he has been doing it to squatters who come to his place (apparently on a pretty regular basis) ever since. Our last scene is the final survivor the smart girl (there's always one) being thrown into a room with a wild-eyed girl dressed in rags. 

Daisy Grey is still alive, nothing but an animal now, and obviously has been living on the 'scraps' the old guy tosses to her. And this last girl still has a hell of a lot of meat. Daisy rushes the girl as she screams and thank heavens this snivel fest is over.