HERE WE GO WITH A CRAPTACULAR MARATHON WITH EIGHT CREEPY HORROR MO... OOPS, I DID THAT ONE. SEVEN! SEVEN CREEPY HORROR MO... OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN - I MEAN I DID THAT ONE. SIX! SIX CREEPY HORROR MO... NO WAIT, THAT ONE IS THE FOURTH OF A SERIES AND I DIDN'T DO THE FIRST THREE... FIVE! FIVE CREEPY HORROR MO... YA KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST TAKE 'EM ONE AT A TIME, SHALL WE?

Scarecrow (2002)

I know what you're thinking: 'Oh please, let her have gotten the date wrong and this is actually the 1973 movie starring Gene Hackman and Al Pacino... dammit! Um, okay, is this some Batman mo... dammit! Okay, let's have the 2013 made-for-TV Sy Fy treat (cough cough) starring Lacy Chabert, please? DAMMIT!'

Trust me, I'd have much rather done the quirky but interesting sounding Hackman/Pacino flick, even watch Lacy Chabert (whom, among other characters, did the voices of 'Meg' in the first season of Family Guy and 'Eliza Thornberry' in The Wild Thornberrys). But no, sorry. But don't worry, maybe the review will be shorter than my overblown title on top. Maybe. This movie can be found (and this is a warning by the way) in the movie collection 'Midnight Horror: Terror & Torment. I can only assume that they meant it to be terror and torment for the one watching these horrible things.

Three boys are sitting around in the middle of a cornfield because, you know, that's what teenage boys like to do everywhere, all of the time. Seriously. Somewhere there's got to be a cornfield with three bored teenage boys trying to scare each other with stupid stories. No? Well in this movie there is so get used to it. One boy says he has a really scary story they have to listen to the end to get the neat twist. DONE! 

My horror movie worksheet (patent pending) was mostly filled while the beginning credits were running and finished when this line was spoken. If you don't get what the 'twist' could possibly be, you haven't been paying attention to me. Tsk, tsk. And the non-story begins:

This is your typical high school boy in his thirties getting bullied by popular high school kids pushing forty, with a drunk and loose mom. He gets aggressive with her, uh, current liason and the 90 pound weakling gets his windpipe crushed by her boyfriend conveniently in a cornfield that seems to be smack in the middle of this town (and right by the run-down trailer park he lives in) so that he dies staring up at a scarecrow he's been talking to. No I am NOT going to explain that. 


The killer uses a piece of rope he conveniently carries with him just in case he's going to murder somebody and needs to stage a suicide, and he and the boy's mother put him up a tree. The police, being... nothing really, don't notice that geez, there's no way he could've gotten up there. Meh. I'm looking for sense in this? The only person nice to him is a hinted-at lesbian in the film. How do we know she's a lesbian? She has her hair cut really short and wears a tank top. Offensive much?

I sometimes talk about stuff like editing and lighting and sound (not much, those things are boring) but the editing was soooo bad I thought I was going to have a seizure. In several scenes, it was like they had to do it more than a couple of times but thought 'aw screw it, I ain't gonna make all those takes match up' so the scene just jumps in front of your eyes here - there - over there - back here, all within the space of a few seconds. It was nauseating. Oh and the movie was awful too.

After Lester (yes, that's his name folks) dies, we get a nice shot of a most touching headline, pictured here. Now fake newspapers in movies are usually pretty stupid (most have it filled with nonsense, few bother to run letters backwards like this one does) but the title was funny enough: Emerald Grove Youth Takes His Own Life - Graduation Proceeds As Planned. Phew, that's relief, I was afraid for a moment there that his death was going to be inconvenient. 

This guy got his toupee' and mustache from Wal Mart...

But the backward and forward phrases repeated over and over include the words 'you'll be dead soon', 'carving up victims', and 'killer scarecrow'. Wow, they think you're soooo stupid that you need non-too-subtle hints at what you're going to be watching for the rest of the movie. Unfortunately.

Time passes. How much? I don't know, they don't say and I'm not going to make this longer by looking it up.

Olympic scarecrow gymnast contender...

So Lester the molester... sorry, I mean the dead dude goes from loser to karate and gymnastic expert SUPER SCARECROW, able to leap cars in a single bound, do backflips all the way down the street, bring out double scythes from nowhere, slice your head cleaaaaan off, then tuck the scythes... somewhere. Oh, he's also got a different voice and tries to make jokes like Freddy Krueger. He fails.

All the idiots that pissed him off get killed one by one (the owner of the cornfield says 'I TOLD YOU SO!' but never divulges what he supposedly told them) until he faces off with the  les... uh, the girl with short hair. Supposedly the girl wins, setting him on fire (Oh no, his one weakness!).

So we're back to the three boys and the one telling the story says it's time for the BIG TWIST... and if you can't guess what that is, I certainly ain't gonna tell you and I'm ashamed of you. Tsk, tsk.

                        

FINALLY! FOR REAL! THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS... WILL NOW BEGIN WITH DISC ONE!

Pure Terror

Ya gotta love Amazon. They're a little too convenient if you know what I mean and I think you do (I've got to stop doing that, sorry Joe Bob). You zip down a horror movie list and bam! A whole pack of different movies. Some have four, or eight - this one has fifty. The little pamphlet that came with it to list out each movie and a short synopsis (thank goodness) says Classic Features. Classic. Uh, I'm gonna let you decide on that one.

Disc One

Crucible Of Horror aka The Corpse (1971): Fortunately for me (maybe not for you) I watched this little gem already and reviewed it last February on the 16th, 2013. It is under the title If You're Gonna Kill 'Em Make Sure They Stay Dead on 2/16/13. So for this one, I'll just say it was... hmm. Basically this UK film was trying to be horrifying in telling its audience that a woman and her daughter would be willing to kill an abusive husband/father. Maybe in 1971 (in the UK) but this wasn't even remotely interesting and besides, they screwed it up so badly... well, read the review.

Double Exposure (1983): I'll tell you what it's about since the synopsis provided by the pamphlet is whacked. There's a photographer, his brother who's missing an arm and a leg (yes, I said that right, start getting used to stuff like this). I like how the only name in this movie is Cleavon Little (Blazing Saddles) and it says 'starring' but you'll see him in a total of oh, maybe two or three minutes. You'll also see a young Victoria Jackson playing a bimbo. Big stretch there. A photographer is having these horrid nightmares. He's killing people in violent and wild ways. He tells his brother and his psychiatrist about them (so we have three guys as suspects, not a lot to choose from).

The description says he takes photos for men's magazines which leads you to think there's a lot of nudity floating around. Nope. Among other shots he does is one supposedly for a plastic garbage bag commercial (like I said, get used to this), some sort of stock car stunt photo (Wouldn't they make that video?) and other settings. 

It never really says WHO he works for, actually. His brother, who actually WAS missing his left arm and leg (I don't think they had good enough effects to fake that in 1983) tell him that when he has a nightmare, make sure and call him right away and he'll help him. Whoops, I gave away the killer didn't I?

They try to lead you away from the brother 'cause you see the killer has two legs, but can you say prosthesis? Yup, the brother listened to the nightmares which gave him great ideas and he used 'em and killed for... some reason. Who knows. I just know that one killing (the plastic trash bag commercial) the model complains that the bag is sooo flimsy that as she scoops dry leaves into it it will probably break. The killer (not shown yet) gets another of those flimsy bags, puts in a hooded rattlesnake.... hmm? There's no such thing as a hooded rattlesnake? Sigh. 

The only reason anyone might try watching this...

They wanted a snake that looked really scary like a cobra but make noise like a rattlesnake so... you see, when two snakes love each other very, very much... you're not buying this, are you? Yeah, a lot of the movie is like that. The funny part (funny small ha ha) was that once the bag with this magical snake is on her head, the bag that couldn't hold leaves is impossible for her to rip open. Oookay. They also must have somehow combined honeybee DNA with it, 'cause it dies from biting her. Wow.

Another woman who was getting strangled by a guy wearing leather gloves COMPLAINS the whole time her throat is supposedly being crushed. You didn't expect reality in this, did you?

This movie is full of the stuff of the 80's people loved - people cheating on their spouses, taking cocaine, dancing at discos, complaining about alimony payments, and still being clueless enough to show gay people as being over-the-top gay. I know, I know, it's impossible to be not gay enough or too gay but this guy was ridiculous. Plus in the clubs he danced with women. Not a crime, I'm just saying they weren't enlightened enough (read honest) to show this man with a male partner. Did I mention the brother was the killer? I did? Good, then this review is over.

Horror Rises From The Tomb (1973) Spain: This film is horribly dubbed to almost incomprehensibility. Synopsis: A gentleman and his friends arrive at his family's ancient estate for some fun and relaxation. What the group finds instead is terror and bloodthirsty killings all as a result of a family curse. The decapitated head of the gentleman's ancestor is forcing the guests to act out the horrifying plans it is hypnotically sending to them.

Sounds half-way good, no? No. When you've got a guy who decides to write a movie and star in it himself... ick. This was slow, boring stuff. The only fun part was the head looked a bit like John Belushi (this also comes up in another film - but that's later). Massively annoying pipe organ music practically covers over the dubbing which is about four or five seconds off anyway.

See this... guy and his lady love are accused and convicted of witchcraft (and this voice in my head keeps saying "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"). He is beheaded, she is hung and burned. He vows to return to wreak horrible vengeance. Apparently it has taken him until the seventies to get around to it.

And then Paul Naschy (who wrote and starred in this) can't decide what kind of monster he wants to be. He's beheaded for witchcraft, but in the 70's he's reunited with his body so he's a zombie, right? Nah. Then he and his resurrected love start with the blood sucking. Okay, they're witch/zombie/vampires - got it. I just hope it's not catching.

Although we do get a brief scene with zombies (who are basically all the people he's killed in the course of this movie), it's still not enough to warrant sitting through this movie. What? They made a sequel in 1982? It better not be in this collection...

The Dungeon Of Harrow (1962): I thought this was a typo and it was supposed to be Horror. Nope. A B&W film set in Mexico but filmed in Texas, it's supposed to be about the Count De Sade - don't get excited, nothing happens in this thing. At all. Two men get washed ashore this island and discover the castle (Isn't it always a castle? It's never a cottage or just a two story house.). Let me break it down for you. First, you need to totally disregard the poster - none of that happens.

Old man likes to whip people - this consists of a rope winding around someones waist while a whip cracking noise is dubbed in about 3 or 4 seconds too late. He's nasty, his love has leprosy and his house maid (or whoever the hell she's supposed to be) falls in love with one of the men washed ashore. They wait for months for a ship to show up to rescue them. But when one comes, the men take one look at him and run screaming back to their boat.

Both he and his love have contracted leprosy. Now in the real world, about 95% of the population are normally immune. However, believe it or not, it can be transmitted by, and pardon the gross out, snot or armadillo. Or armadillo snot. Or snot on an armadillo. It's your choice. Oh did I mention this dude has been narrating the story in a monotone through the whole movie? No? At the end, his love looks like a living mummy (that's not how leprosy works either) and he decides it's time to put her in a coffin - alive. Now who's the monster?

This concludes Disc One and your torture is over - for the present. Mwahahahaha....

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MAJOR BEEFCAKE, SWOONING WOMEN AND REVENGE SERVED VIOLENTLY

The Boondock Saints (1999)

In 1974 a particularly violent film (for its time) shocked audiences with the idea that one man could so callously kill in the name of revenge. It was called Death Wish and starred one of the major actors of the time, Charles Bronson. The story was of a home invasion by three would-be thieves who are enraged when they find little money. In retaliation they beat and rape the mother and daughter of Bronson's character. The mother dies, the daughter, forever traumatized. The whole theme was controversial - is it right or wrong to go out for your own justice or depend on the police? The theme caught like wildfire - there were five Death Wish movies in all.

I Spit On Your Grave (1978), another type of vigilante movie, was about a beaten and raped woman who systematically stalks and kills each of her attackers. Again the question being - was she in the right?

So we fast forward to 1999. Twin brothers Connor and Murphy McManus (Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus) are good Irish Catholics who work in a meat packing plant. On St. Patrick's day they celebrate in their favorite pub, and are told by the tearful bartender that the pub is closing because it has been taken over by the Russian Mafia. In fact, some heavies from the Mafia come in to close the place early. There's a scuffle and the twins are marked by the very large Mafia dudes (guess they were doubly heavy) for death. 

The next day the bodies of the Mafia men are discovered in an alley. The local police postulate several theories, none of them even remotely logical as to how the two died. In comes special FBI Agent Paul Smecker (Willem Dafoe), brought in since the dead men were recognized as Russian mob guys. He not only recognized immediately that the local police aren't trying very hard to solve the case but that something very interesting had happened in this alley. He was right.

The scene plays out - Conner and Murphy are attacked, one handcuffed to a toilet, the other taken into the alley to be shot. Conner (the one with the toilet) rips it from the wall and from the roof drops it on the man about to kill his brother. He then jumps down and both dispatch the men. They are now considered vigilantes and are targets of criminals and authorities. And thus the movie continues in this vein.

I don't think I have to really detail what happens in this movie - you know that they decide that fighting bad guys and cleaning up their neighborhood is their 'calling' and the FBI Agent who at first is determined to bring them to justice eventually decides that they ARE the justice doing what he really wants to do but can't.

The interesting parts of the movie are the scenes where the brothers are revealed to be quite intelligent - they are not thugs - in fact they know at least six if not more languages and are very religious. The agent can find nothing to fault them at the time - they did act in self defense - and lets them go.

They subsequently decide to clean up other bad guys - using techniques they've observed in movies. With incredible luck, even though massive screwups take place they win each time and many in several Mafia 'families' die. The FBI agent acts out each scenario as it takes place in slow motion behind him, making the scene look like a violent type of Tai Chi - very strange. It's also strange that they felt the need to point out that the agent was a homosexual - that seemed superfluous to the plot and had nothing to do with his abilities or character.

Impossible and overdone..

One Mafia boss decides to end the brothers once and for all by getting released from prison a real monster. His name is Il Duce and apparently he makes Hannibal Lector look like a boy scout. Shackled from head to toe and kept in a cage he is somehow paroled and instructed to take the brothers out. But as he's about to do that as they are ready to dispatch yet another bad guy, he hears them recite their family prayer - it's a ritual they use before every, um, murder. Instead of killing them, he puts his hands on their shoulders and finishes the prayer with them. Il Duce is their father.

The last Mafia boss, Papa Joe, is about to be acquitted for about the umpteenth time in court. The brothers, together with their 'da' walk into the courthouse and in front of the whole room dispatch Papa Joe. They walk out, free men and heroes to most of the spectators.

Okay people didn't like this movie at first but it's become kind of a cult movie, with a sequel following. I had several problems with it though (and I'm sure the female population will hate me for this). Two brothers, good Irish Catholic boys decide that murder is no big deal? And there were some goofs. One, everyone who's a fan of Norman Reedus knows he has his first name tattooed on his chest, yet in the movie his name is Murphy. Which is why the first rule of tattooing is never NEVER have a name tattooed on yourself, even if it's your own.

The scene where Connor throws the toilet from the roof also has some goofs - we see him haul it up and get ready to hurl it. The top of the tank comes off and falls first. We see that the toilet has no seat or seat cover. Yet when the toilet hits the mobster, it has both a seat and seat cover.

Again I have a problem as to why they made Dafoe's character a homosexual - not because of the sexual orientation, but because it has nothing to do with the plot or his character. Toward the end of the movie he shows up as a prostitute in drag to sneak into a mobster's house but that still doesn't explain why they made a point of showing him to be gay. Is it to show that intelligent FBI agents can be gay? We already know that. It was an unnecessary plot point is all.

Having Billy Connolly as the violent 'da' of the boys was also confusing and unnecessary, as the first time he finds the boys they have a shootout where each are injured - what was the point of that?

The language was also rough and unnecessary. These are supposed to be very intelligent and religious men. But this movie is far from the top when it comes to language - on a list of movies with multiple 'F' bombs, this movie has more than The Devil's Rejects, less than Pulp Fiction, more than Platoon (another Dafoe movie), and less than Goodfellas.

I guess I'm just not crushing on the brothers McManus.

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