WHERE'S OUR MOVIES YOU LAZY LIE ABED WORTHLESS SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING!!! (PLEASE?)



Boy, You Guys Are Tough!

Before I bow at your feet, I wanted to let you know about something totally cool (if the media hasn't done it to death already). We just reviewed the documentary Dear Mr. Watterson and then learned that he actually likes the strip (we love it too) Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis. In fact, he thought it would be 'neat' if he could slip a few days of his art into it. 

After Pastis cleaned up all the drool, they worked out the kinks. They decided it would be best if Pastis briefly introduced "Libby" (a loose form of Billy) as a second grader who could draw better than Pastis. The only catch was that Watterson didn't want anyone to know until all the strips had been printed. And they have. To catch this wonderful mesh from the start, go to:

http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2014/06/02

Two strips introduce her, the next three strips include Watterson's work... enjoy!

Just a quick update to let you guys know when to expect new movies. Actually, if you think about it, the efforts we've put into updating this blog might be considered bringing you "new" movies if you didn't know we had them. And there's been a couple (JUST a couple) that I've had to completely redo as I read over the review, shook my head, and wondered what kind of painkillers I'd been on that day. 

I also rechecked and updated an entry I did on Screampix. That is a movie channel (pffft) offered on YouTube for $2.99 per month.

They now call themselves Screambox (pffffffffft) but the movies, moderator, and bullcrap are all the same. I checked some of the mail from users - 'not available in my country', 'won't play', etc. - all the same stuff I was complaining about (before he started deleting my comments of course). The movies? Same wooden acting in $500 movies that you wouldn't throw a nickel (or 3p or whatever) at.

There were also a couple of movies I originally had glossed over that I re-visited and did a better review on - one of them being V/H/S, which I thought a muddled mess until I saw V/H/S 2 (a couple of times) and realized there was a story going on outside of the tapes which my drugged brain hadn't registered apparently... I left the original date on them but you can easily find what you're looking for using either the search bar or scanning the Labels section (which is getting pretty freaking loooooong) for a title, an actor, or a subject.

I printed just the other day about us getting caught in the "FBI MoneyPak Virus" and getting out just in time not to have to re-do everything on the computer. Since then we've been a bit leery about using anything, but you know, that's just giving in and we're not going to do that. But I did find this interesting. 

I get TONS of emails - lots of 'em junk. If you're not careful and you're used to getting a lot of junk, how do you tell the legit ones from the phish? That's why I like Naked Security From Sophos. Check their site out - they're not just an American scam investigator (in fact, from their spelling and other clues they must be in the UK) so their advice is good for many countries.   www.nakedsecurity.sophos.com

'Cause we are all getting smart about not clicking links or opening attachments of strange emails - so the crooks are trying to get smarter.  

http://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2014/06/06/phish-or-legit-can-you-tell-the-difference/?utm_source=Naked+Security+-+Sophos+List&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=f882a52cae-naked%252Bsecurity&utm_term=0_31623bb782-f882a52cae-455033573

WHEN YOU'RE FAST FOOD, DON'T BE FRONTIN' LIKE YOU'RE MASA







Worst Paid Movie Service I've Tried So Far

Note: I was curious to see if they were still in business because it really, really sucked and yup, it still really, really sucks - but calls itself Screambox now. There's a movie or two that might be worth seeing, but the rest...

I haven't been really positive about my experience with a new subscription movie service now on YouTube, called Screampix and if you ask my opinion, I'd stay far away from it. Why? Well, I use Netflix quite regularly, plus there are several free movie channels on YouTube (if you don't mind commercials) not to mention Fandor, Hulu, etc. 

I tried Screampix because of it's auspicious claims to be a site of horror fans who like their movies 'uncut, unedited (Isn't that what uncut means?) and new movies added every week'. Okay. I tried their 14 day free preview (they charge $2.99 per month) and got nothing but grief. And bad movies. Really, REALLY bad movies.

I could excuse the bad movies easily enough, after all, it gives me some good fodder for my blog. But what there's no excuse for is bad service and bad attitude. I wasn't the only one to ask why the new movies weren't available. We all got the same answer - all movies are available in the US and Canada. 

Well, I'm in the US and NONE of the new movies would play. And the stinkers that DID play would skip, stop and say they were over and have to be reloaded, or just back up 15 minutes or so (which kept me on my toes - with no close captioning unless you're paying close attention you wonder why characters are repeating dialogue). 

So I asked why not. No answer. Asked again. So their response was to ERASE my question and then answer it anyway. And of course, then block me from asking any more. Oh, the answer was typical - it's my equipment, it's my connection, it's YouTube's fault... in other words, Screampix accepts no responsibility for its service.

That's just bad business. Let's talk about my equipment. It's first rate. My connection speed and reliability? Solid. When I'm on Netflix, I can open as many other windows as I want and I NEVER even have a hiccup with their service. And let's talk about Screampix's, uh, horror movies. If you want to watch bad porn, go to a porn channel - don't throw in a murder or two and call it horror. 

Why do I say that? Because most of their movies are from two companies - braindamage.com and Midnight Releasing - both apparently specializing in cheap, disgusting and bad quality. And apparently somehow connected - go to one of their sites and you'll find plenty of references to the other one. If that's your poison and and you like it, this could be the site for you. If you can stand the technical issues.

Screampix currently (6/13) claims 124 movies in its service. Of this number, and I think I'm being quite generous, only roughly 20 or so are watchable (one thumbs up for the remastered original 'Puppet Master') and that's not worth the money.

Let me give you a piece of advice though, 'Rayzilla' (the moderator of the site): Don't be getting so snooty so fast after starting up your little venture. Admitting that things might not be going smoothly but striving to do better makes a much better impression than putting down your subscribers, deleting their comments and blocking them. After all, you're a small-time service, not Netflix. In other words, you're no Masa (a NYC restaurant deemed the most expensive in the US).

Something tells me that this service is either going to bomb or get with the program really fast.

The only feedback was dated six months back - they still advertise the same crap they claimed when I tried it, uncut full length movies, over a hundred of them, $2.99 a month. It's sheer crap with a real movie or two that you can get easily elsewhere (say on the FREE YouTube) and to hell with the rest of 'em. The same guy is still there, and not much else... the latest feedback was months old and familiar - "The movies won't play." Nice.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

AND THE PFFFFT AWARD FOR WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR TO REVIEW GOES TO:






Monsturd (2009)

I know picking the worst movie in May might be premature, but I think you'll understand. This movie alone should send prospective subscribers screaming to get away from the dubious movie service Screampix (now called Screambox) on YouTube (see review of that so-called 'service' and recent update on 6/8/14). I mean, besides all the movies that are 'not available', movies that stop and say they're over when they're not, or just back up 15 minutes to half an hour and you have to find your place again.

What can you learn from this movie? Don't ask your kid to tell you a bedtime story. That's how this comes about (I almost said how it comes out but caught myself.) when a dad is too pooped to tell his little one a story. She comes up with this:

In a nice little town there's a nasty chemical factory developing some bacteria that can duplicate itself. I think it can already do that, can't it? But supposedly this one mutates and they've got to get rid of the evidence. What better place than the sewer?

Meanwhile a mean killer named Jack Schmidt (Get it? No? Really?) escapes from prison and hides... in the sewers. Do we get the rest of the story now? After being melted by the green (mutated horrid stuff is always green) goo in the sewers, Jack rises again as a giant, uh, doodyman. Okay, he's a monsturd. Happy?

Here's a list of my favorite lines from this movie:

• You've been watching too many crappy horror movies
• Don't get caught with your pants down

Umm, that's it. It's not like this movie is particularly deep. Just smelly. So Jack the monsturd goes around getting his revenge by coming up out of toilets, killing people and writing on the walls (hmm, he must get around in public stalls a lot) and generally making a smelly, gross mess. The town's heroic sheriff must face ridicule and find a way to get rid of this... thing before the town's chili cookoff. I am not making this up. So they prepare for battle. First, order a million flies to attack Jack. 

Umm, wouldn't flies just transport that stuff around and infect... ah skip it. Second, buy every bottle of Pepto Bismol in the state. Add all the disposable diapers and Super Soakers and they're ready for battle. Wait - if Pepto is for diarrhea wouldn't it make the solid Jack sh... um monster even stronger? And why am I even asking questions?

Armed with diapers and Super Soakers filled with the pink stuff they attack the monster as it approaches all the chili-lovin' population. Just then their friend with the million flies shows up with them IN A CAT CARRIER (apparently these flies are too stupid to just go through the grate) and releases them, and we get some really, uh, close shots of flies eating sh.... the monster. And the sheriff is a hero. And the father committed the little girl to a mental institution for coming up with this story. Just kidding.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

FLOTSAM AND JETSAM PART ONE

Although I ended my brief relationship with the dubious 'service' called Screampix (Now Screambox, as if that made any difference) on YouTube, it said I could still watch crappy movies until the end of the month, so crappy movies I watched. Screampix makes that kind of hard - in fact it makes everything hard. It keeps touting itself as 'dedicated to building the ulitmate horror movie channel'. Yeah, the ultimate CRAPPY horror movie channel. If you see a GOOD movie on this channel chances are very good that 1. It will not play; or 2. You'll bring it up only to discover you will have to pay MORE money to see that particular one. Good one you vultures.

A guy calling himself 'Rayzilla' crows on: 'We already have over 100 movies and we're going to be adding new movies every week.' Uh  huh. That's probably because their main movie source, braindamagefilms.com probably can crank a bad movie or two out a week. 'You'll never see any commercials, advertisements or pop-ups'. That's true, but boy you'll be wishing you had - you gotta see SOMETHING interesting after all. 

Their movies are 'not for the faint of heart'. Yeah, they're all for those touched in the head. And I don't think they're gonna be successful in building a community unless it is of people who are so laid back they don't mind if their crappy movie quits, backs up 15 minutes to half an hour, or just plain won't play either 'in this country' or not at all. So no, this paid service does NOT have over a hundred movies - not that YOU can see anyway.

But if you think that spending $2.99 per month is okay for your frustration and movies that don't play JUST IN CASE there's a gem buried in there somewhere, be my guest. I'm sure that's what 'Rayzilla' is hoping for. Those desperate enough for cheap movies with blood, gore and breasts that don't mind if the movie is just plain unwatchable. Not me, thank you very much. There's several other sites that have just as many irritations (and as few watchable movies) that I can use for free. Thanks but no thanks.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

GARBAGE IN/GARBAGE OUT - YUP IT'S ANOTHER CRAPTACULAR MARATHON



Movies By The Pound

Well, I've pretty much given up on the Screampix (now Screambox) service dubiously available on YouTube for $2.99. After discovering the bulk of their movies (those that will play that is) are made by one company, this is probably THEIR channel and they're desperately trying to recover losses by having this channel with the lie that it is a premium site of horror movies. Nope. Don't even bother with the free preview - even free it's not worth it.

But they're not the only ones with absolutely stupid movies and I've got several to bore you with in yet another marathon session. So turn off your brain, grab something for your nerves and hold on...

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL DID I JUST WATCH?

Secrets Of The Clown (2007)

I think I've got this Screampix YouTube channel figured out. Most of their movies seem to be made by a company called Brain Damage Films, a company that seems to be in competition with The Asylum movie company for cranking out mass quantities of really REALLY bad horror. This is a good example and I'm going to make it short even though it took a long time to get through this movie with no CC, the movie stalling several times, backing up without warning 15 minutes to half an hour (nothing like hearing the same bad dialogue TWICE) and just plain sucking. And here we go.

The basic premise of this whole movie is that any subject can be made no matter how retarded. Oops, wait. The premise of the movie is that witches and demons just aren't near as scary unless you include clowns. I have a couple of friends who would agree with that. But this movie mish mashes things so badly that if I hadn't read the movie description I'd have absolutely no idea what I was supposed to be seeing. Since it's totally incomprehensible this is what they said:

After the brutal murder of his best friend Jim, Bobbie is haunted by a presence. His girlfriend Val is distant and appears to have secrets of her own. Then the nightmares begin. Through the nightmares Bobbie uncovers clues regarding the murderer's identity. With the killer still on the loose, bodies piling up, and time running out, Bobbie hires a psychic to contact his deceased friend Jim. But some secrets were never meant to be revealed. The dreams will guide him, the secrets will blind him, the murders will haunt him. Only together will they unlock the "Secrets of the Clown".

Does that sound like the worst movie you've ever heard? A TV movie of the week? A complete waste of time? You'd be correct to pick one, or all three for that matter. These are a couple of the lines of dialogue you'd experience if you squirmed through this horrid thing:

Bobbie (that's a girl's name by the way dudes, it's supposed to be Bobby) gets attacked by his girlfriend who's turned all demon-y. He grabs a stainless steel toaster and starts bashing her in the head. As she falls he says... wait for it... WAIT FOR IT... extra credit for the one who says it first...

"You're TOAST!"

Ooh, hold on a second, I just threw up in my mouth a little. And that wasn't the worst one...

Bobbie sees that another (yes another) of his friends has become possessed and stabs him to death. Yet another friend is standing there and HE says "You killed Ken."

Bobbie: "I'm a bastard."

(If you didn't get that, it's okay - we can't all be cartoon fans)

The demon clown is charging what remains of Bobbie's friends and he screams "Come and get me you Insane Clown Posse $%#@%%!!!"

And of course the ole' standard, "Women. You can't live without them, you can't kill them." Nice.

And on that note, I'm not going any further with this thing. I think the clown demon was defeated by a clown doll possessed by Bobbie's best friend. I think. Oh, and his girlfriend's a witch. Sometimes. The end.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

YOU KNOW IT'S A GOOD TIME TO HIT THE 'STOP' BUTTON WHEN...

Dead Life (2005)

This is a movie I did NOT see my way through - because this simply was sooooo awful there was really nothing to watch. It was a zombie movie, and so cheap that the picture was garbled, dark and looked worse than if they had used a personal camcorder. I wish they had. The soundtrack was so badly mixed that you couldn't hear dialogue (not that there was very much of that) over the loud music they insisted using to, uh, I dunno, keep interest? Without CC, it was  impossible to know what they were talking about. And what's with these cheap movies with what my hubby calls 'preginnings'? That's when a lot of incomprehensible stuff happens and THEN the movie starts. Ugh.

Do not adjust your picture - the whole movie looks like this...

For starters, the zombie movie was supposed to have been started with a mutated version of 'necrotizing faceitis'. Think about that one for a second. The disease is actually called 'necrotizing fasciitis'. Strike one. Then they quote a scripture, always a mistake because these people don't know Bibles OR dictionaries.

Revelations 11:16 -  They have the power to shut the skies, the power to turn the waters to blood.

Umm okay. First of all, most filmmakers and actors playing religious people do this - there is only ONE Revelation, okay? ONE. Secondly, this is the wrong scripture, gente increíblemente estúpidas. You were attempting to misuse Rev. 11:6, okay?

Revelation 11:6 - These have the authority to shut up heaven that no rain should fall during the days of their prophesying, and they have authority over the waters to turn them into blood and to strike the earth with every sort of plague as often as they wish.

This corresponds to Moses and Elijah at Matthew 17 - refers to the anointed and their witnessing work. Matthew 17 is when Jesus was transfigured (transformed into something more beautiful or elevated) and it appeared he was conversing with Moses and Elijah (representing the anointed, not the physical presence of the two themselves). It certainly has absolutely NOTHING to do with zombies or any disease or plague that might cause them. There - your spiritual lesson for the week.

I tried really hard to watch this, okay? It's on that subpar service Screampix on YouTube. It is horrid - the ONE zombie I saw spoke perfectly clear, and stood there holding his obvious rubber hose pretending to be intestines. Considering that this thing will skip, go back, tell you it's over when it isn't, I just didn't want to invest over two hours just trying to get this piece of garbage to play.

Oh and another reason to avoid Screampix: They advertise they have over 120 movies to show but more than a couple of times when I went to watch one it said it wasn't available in my country... WTH? Not available in the country Screampix is IN?

So no, I don't recommend this service at all - take your free 14 days then GET OUT.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

NETFLIX I THINK I LOVE YOU

I've had Netflix for more than a few months now, and I have to admit that compared to other movie streaming services, this is a top rate, great working site - even if the movies are a bit on the suck side. I've tried Amazon, I've tried Fandor, I've tried Hulu. They had their charms but a whole lot of problems that made using them (especially paying for them) not feasible. So I am going to try a trial subscription with a relatively new service through YouTube called Screampix. They only have a catalog of just short of 120 movies (all horror) and costs only $2.99 per month. Update: DON'T DO THIS!!! THE HORRIBLE THING IS... HORRIBLE!!!

I hate to say it, but if you want to try it for yourself I would suggest the 14 day free trial and then get the hell out of it. I've only done two movies on there and both were - sigh - torture. The first movie, which sucked out loud anyway, stalled, ended before the end (you had to reload the page and find where you left off), skipped back as many as a half hour just for the hell of it, and the streaming was very uneven. Now I have a great system so this was inexcusable. 

Besides, I could have a dozen things running while watching a Netflix streaming movie and never have a skip, a stutter, and certainly not a movie that starts itself over from the beginning for no reason at all. And there's no close captioning on anything, which for a person like me who may be able to hear okay but can't understand everything people say this is a definite liability.

In other words, maybe since this is a relatively new service they've got some bugs to work out, but not with my money. I watched a second movie to make sure it wasn't just a faulty movie and had to just sit and accept that it would come to a stop every five minutes or so. And this movie was boring beyond belief so that was a tremendous test of patience.

For those who don't know, Netflix offers a 30 day free trial and only costs $7.99 a month - to get the actual DVD's delivered costs more but I don't know how much. Whatever complaint I make about Netflix, it still is the superior movie streaming service out there.

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies