SO... UMMM MISS MURDER? YOU ARE GETTING REVIEWS SUBMITTED HERE MORE REGULARLY AGAIN. IF YOU'RE FEELING BETTER, HOW 'BOUT DOIN' SOME MOVIES THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE - OR EVEN BETTER, SETS OF MOVIES PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO SEE, OR SOMETHING THAT'S A CLASSIC... OR JUST TELL US IN THIRTY WORDS OR LESS IF A MOVIE IS GOOD?

Not me yet, but soon... soon...

Okay, Okay, Just Relax Guys

Unfortunately, the rise or fall of the amount of reviews I publish have little to do with how I feel. Sometimes I feel... better and don't want to sit looking at a computer screen. Other times I'm so miserable that breathing is a chore and I find that I've put two or three reviews up anyway.

Change the way I rate movies? No. I could simply say that this is MY blog and I'll do what I wanna but that's not very nice. Accurate, but not nice.


I have enjoyed other styles of reviews - remember Joe Bob Briggs? You better, 'cause he's still alive and kicking and enjoying his movies. I liked that he 'counted' things that he thought were important like, well, boobs. The best movies seemed to have an odd number of boobs in them - when he reports there were "19 boobs" you've gotta wonder - what happened to the 20th? He also reported a lot of the violence as "Foo". For example, if you have college girls fighting each other with pillows, Joe Bob would translate that as "Seven boobs and feather fu." I miss his programs - have no idea where to find 'em.

Elvira was mildly amusing. She of course was more for the, umm, male population with her sultry delivery (and how the hell does she look so good when she's got to be at least.. never mind) and sly remarks during the movie itself.

Roger and Ebert were your go-to guys if you just wanted the bare facts and then have fun watching two middle aged men fight over whether the gore was over-the-top or not sloppy enough.

And the undisputed champions of the bad horror movie review crew: MST3K. Joel (and later Mike) and his two robot buddies joked their ways through the most horrible movies ever put to celluoid. There were even non-horror movies, such as PSM's or those Information-Disguised-As-Long-Commercials they used to show us in school as kids. I could never be that good. Besides, unless you're watching the movie, saying something nasty about a line or a mistake is kind of lame.

So.

So no, I'm not doing better, just kind of determined that no matter how bad things get, I need to just keep trying to amuse and entertain people with my take on horrible (and, believe it or not, sometimes good) horror movies. And as I've said before, I'm staying with horror movies because my twisted sense of humor enjoys the fake screams and bad special effects.

So.

What do I watch myself? Well, despite my physical looks (which no one will ever see if I can possibly help it) I don't eat a whole lot. When you feel despondent and horrible, eating isn't a priority. In fact, the last doctor I saw said if I don't eat at least four times a day, it would only get worse. Funny, but she didn't specify what 'it' was. Was 'it' my weight? My mood? My health? Meh.

So.

And why is it that doctors are so freaking blind and deaf to their patients? Okay, that doesn't apply to all, but way too many of them work their offices like a cattle run - push one in, spend five minutes, push it out while their nurse pushes the second one in...

So.

And why, when you suffer from a condition where you very rarely even can leave the house, take care of yourself, etc., the terribly clever idea of their is inevitably to do something impossible? Can't leave your home and driving is hard - even for small distances? Well, you should join a gym or a swimming pool and take exercise classes. 

Can't even get out of the house long enough to go to the store and get the food you're not eating? Eat four times a day. Trying to do something extremely simple such as washing dishes, clothes, or your bathroom makes your back and legs hurt so badly it sends you to bed for at least a day? Go out and walk a mile each day and you'll feel better. Really?

So.

Close your eyes. Open them. See how stupid that was? How could you open your eyes when you were told to close them? How did you know when to open them again? That's kind of what dealing with so-called health professionals is like.

So.


Since I don't eat much, junk food or otherwise, I have movie junk food. Those are the movies I put on like others will turn on the TV or play their CD's. While they play I either veg with a game or try to write a column. What do I watch and why? Yes, I know you really didn't ask but hey, closing this page is super easy so you don't have to read if you don't wanna.

So.

The Legend Of Hell House (1973): The movie is based on a story by Richard Matheson (who we lost last year, sadly) about four people investigating the 'Mt. Everest of haunted houses', the Belasco house. It brings up the theory of EMR, electromagnetic radiation. This is what was considered to trap residue 'energy' from people who inhabit houses.

If the people were particularly nasty, there'd be a lot of it, causing 'phenomenon'. It was thought that reversing the polarity would dissipate whatever EMR was causing Poltergeist-like activity. Today they say electromagnetic frequencies (EMF) - it's a tool used by electricians but supposedly it also detects whether there is a plethora of ghostly nasties about. It was an interesting idea and I probably play it three or four times a week.

John Dies At The End (2012): This plays at least twice a week. It made me an instant fan of David Wong, Rob Mayes, and a book that is about 1,000% more complicated than the movie but still a freaking good read (and don't forget the sequel). I still use them as my cover picture and I know I've got to put something original up there that more accurately represents this column, but meh.

The Haunting Of Whaley House (2012): Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. So why watch it? Well, I've gotten some of my best lines from the dumbest of movies, and this is a prize example. Someone wrote as a review that this was so "well researched". Pfffft... see, there IS a Whaley House in San Diego, California that is considered to be haunted and several of the family members, a convict who was hanged there, and a little girl with unknown ties to the family are said to have haunted the place but that's where the 'true' part ends. 

In real life the family was very good to the people of San Diego - they even allowed businesses, plays, movies, and other activities to take place in the house. They were generous and did not deserve this movie treatment. In the movie the family is evil, although the kid's 'psychic' keeps assuring them 'No, no, they're just desperate.' Umm what? It's one of those types of movies so ridiculously stupid that you can't help chuckling at it. I watch it a couple times a month.

Shaun Of The Dead (2004): Beautifully done, clever as hell (especially all the zombie movie references), and funny. 'Nuff said. I watch it once or twice a month.

Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn (1987): I watch this one more than the original for one reason only - it's on Netflix and I don't have to go through my DVD's to find it. No matter how many times I watch it (saying the lines with the characters, a habit that drives my hubby nuts) I find a new little nugget, and if Bruce Campbell actually doing a flip without help isn't impressive enough, you're not paying close enough attention. I watch this I think around twice a week. In fact, it's on this very minute.

Bad Kids Go To Hell (2012): This is a new fave, because it's just a little smarter than the average teen slasher flick, it's still really, really dumb, but it has several pretty good lines in it that I've put in my horror movie archive that I keep for other films later. I'd say I watch this one maybe two or three times a week.

Well, there's a ton of others on my junk movie list, but it's time for me to eat - that Miso soup isn't going to stew for a whole 60 seconds by itself... oh, wait...

REALITY IS BETTER THAN FICTION




The Haunting Of Whaley House (2012)

I have often kidded that I have a form that I use for bad horror films where I can just fill in the blanks and have my review done before half the movie is over. That would be my horror movie worksheet (patent pending). Hell, I could sell pads of those things in stationary stores. Because anyone could use them, they really could. Okay, let's try an exercise: You have a house with a reputation (doesn't matter what it is), people have heard about it existing... BAM! Based on true events! Now you can make up any shit you want and still have a freaking paranormal oogy boogy movie. See how easy that was?

The real Whaley house.

Especially if you're reviewing movies by The Asylum, which happens pretty regularly here because they are prolific in churning out movie after movie that one, rips off the ideas of more successful movies and/or 2, rips off its own movies and/or 3 is just paper thin obvious and so writing a review really could be done within 30 minutes of the movie - any of its movies. 

Oh, and glaring errors, don't forget that. Before the movie even really begins, three idiots decide at night to see if breaking a window would piss off the ghosts. It shows the three of them in front of a parked car - one throws a rock and, seeing the ghost, backs up. Only now there's no car. BUT on the positive side, he gets run over. Did you ever notice in these movies that they're always hit and runs?

Early Whaley family portrait.

One 'Haunting' movie from Asylum I reviewed was actually done in 3D - oh man, what a stinker. To warn you, that was A Haunting In Salem which came out in 2011 and I reviewed it on my blog 9/24/12. So take that movie, cheapen it down ('cause there's no 3D), again claim it's based on true events, use the same damn story with a different house (that really exists) and insult viewers and San Diego residents alike with this horrid piece of dreck that ANYONE could critique this movie within, oh, say about 10 minutes. I personally, and I'm not bragging just giving you a heads up on how bad this movie is, did not have to write word one to do this review. Honestly. And since the movie does not deserve a wiki page, I haven't cheated either.

FAKE

The truth: Whaley House was never and still is not considered an evil place. While of course rumors of ghostly activity (which is attached to most everything old that had someone die there) is present, it still is not a place of fear and in fact is a California Historical Landmark. The Whaley family while alive was generous enough to let parts of it be used for different reasons, such as a general store, a courthouse, and a theater.

Now the Whaleys were not without tragedy, no family of that age really was. And the only 'evil' if you can call it that was before they even bought the property. This particular place was used as the site of a gallows and a man named James "Yankee Jim" Robinson was hanged in 1852. That particular 'ghost' has been seen by several if you want to believe that sort of thing. But Thomas Whaley wanted a grand home for his family which included his two married daughters. 

Unfortunately, one of the daughter's husbands was a con artist, having married the girl only for money and when that was apparently received, disappeared and was never seen again. For the 1800's this was horrible and the girl, only 22, never recovered and did in fact commit suicide outside the house. 

There are several family members who died inside the house but nothing horrible - that was pretty common for the times. In other words, a decent, pretty normal family who served their community. While the film claims no paranormal investigation has ever been allowed, the SOHO organization of San Diego has a monthly offer to investigators for a special night tour, to see if they can find some of the supposed apparitions seen there.

Oh yeah, that's ALWAYS a good choice...

Now for the crap film (thank you once again Asylum). It keeps to some aspects of the Whaley house and its misfortunes, but portrays the place in a nasty light, making the house seem like a holding place for evil. So in typical haunted house style this is the basic story: A young smart girl (there's always one - oh wait a minute, this girl was DUMB, sorry, never mind) works as a new guide in the Whaley house and is learning of its history. 

The group of young people she hangs with (douches all of them) persuade her to let them in since hey, we need a bunch of idiots to slaughter so... she reluctantly agrees although she feels an 'affinity' to the house (do we see where this is going folks and if you don't you haven't been paying attention to my blog).


Her douche friends also invite some of THEIR douche friends so we have a nice group of douchebags to slaughter - including one adult, an English so-called psychic who is thrilled to be there because 'no one has ever let a paranormal investigator in the house' which as I've already stated is crap. 


Now as you've seen, the house itself is pretty normal looking so they had to go out to find a 'spooky' looking house with a big yard and lots of bushes - duh. The action starts right away as a girl who earlier was admitted to the hospital because she 'saw' ghosts comes walking back, hospital gown and all, finds an axe in the yard and proceeds to 'chop' her own throat out. Oh yes my children it's going to be. Just. That. Bad.

If you think you're about to be bored by the same old scenes of explaining equipment, the psychic getting 'vibes' that really aren't there, and the teenagers being disrespectful of the property never mind the supposed 'ghosts' - give yourself a cookie.


And the killings start as the 'evil' Whaley family show up and determine to clean house. All except for our original girl who seems to be left alone. The order and way these idiots die is really not important, the only reason they're interesting is because it means the movie is getting closer to the end. Finally, only the original girl is left alive. For a moment.

Our last scene is of her screaming out the window that she is still alive, even as they cart her body away. The woman training her blames herself because she knew this girl looked 'so much like' the young Whaley daughter who had committed suicide. Now this girl is stuck in the house forever although none of her friends are. Um, wait. Didn't the Whaley daughter kill herself OUTSIDE? Huh. Well, no matter 'cause here are the credits and another Asylum abortion is now over.