MOVIES THAT COULD HAVE BEEN GREAT BUT GET MUCKED UP


Slasher House (2012) UK

Surprise surprise - we've got a pretty good movie from the UK that is very VERY low budget (5,000£ or $8219.50) but with solid performances, great saturated color (that makes most of the movie) of mostly reds and greens and at 85 minutes it's just right for a trip back into the world of the pure slasher film. 

BUT then they try to stuff to much into it and we get something too complicated - if they had left it alone, it would have almost been perfect. And the ending... whoa. WTH is a mild way of putting how they slap an ending together to finish the film. And there's a sequel ready to go in 2014 but we'll get to that.

The catch phrase is 'One Girl. Four Killers... Welcome Home'. That's - a bit misleading. This contains spoilers but the movie would still be a good view for those who are tired of the same old paranormal BS and wish there were a movie that goes back to the good ole' slasher routine (and not about a bunch of teenagers getting whacked one by one).

We start with a girl with impossible red hair (but I loved it - I'd have it in a second if I could) and heavy makeup lying naked in a cell. Just the way you want your slasher film to start. We only know her as 'Red' for obvious reasons. She finds a red dress and puts it on. She looks more like a doll than a person. Red was played by Eleanor James (who I first erroneously identified as Nikki Webster, sorry about that and thanks to MJ Dixon of MYCHO.CO.UK who pointed it out), who did quite well in this movie. I just wish they would have stopped meddling with it... but that's later.

The building is supposed to be an abandoned madhouse, which I guess is the UK term for abandoned mental asylum. She wanders through and as she does, she finds clues, weapons and other items by seeing red arrows on the walls and other objects, leading her through the place. Trouble is, she has no idea who she is, or why she is there. 

But others are there and they do, at least for themselves. And there is where is starts to bog down, although the slash scenes are well done and finally we get some real gore for the slasher film lover. And whoever did the color for this film, bravo. It is intense, surreal and makes this film even more interesting.

Somebody, somewhere is controlling things as randomly a loud alarm sounds which usually means doors have been opened or closed - and most probably another killer has been let loose. But this doesn't really start until almost an hour into the movie - that's a whole lot of 'What am I doing here?' to have to wade through before getting to the (forgive me for this one) meaty part of the movie.

Three were obvious and the movie tried to give a short backstory on each but that just bogged down the movie and was puzzling because it told you nothing about the why and where and how they got to Slasher House. Red teams up with a normal looking guy named Nathan and she finds there were 'files' on each of them - except for her. 

Nathan found his file but it was empty. The first to be 'let loose' is a killer clown they name Cleaver and they show a brief scene of him snatching up a kid into an ice cream truck in the middle of the night (?!?) and he is sufficiently creepy and scary - the scariest clown I've seen since Stephen King's It. He is right in character as he hunts the two down - only to meet his demise.

We then meet one who simply tells them (he wears a baseball cap low, you really never see his face) that they don't want to know him and they're right - they show the backstory for 'Corben' for a couple of seconds and soon he has them captive and strapped to operating tables. He had captured the clown and... like I said, there is gore aplenty in this film. 

But even he is not evil enough... when Nathan screams as he gets a saw to the head our final baddie is released from his cage - he had sat there sobbing like a child but a cage comes from above with his, uh, persona in it. He is Thorn, and when his mask is on, he is one big badass (and instantly gets his own sequel called 'Legacy Of Thorn' coming in 2014 - Red will also be there). Corben gets distracted from his torture of Nathan and Red and they escape as Corben is ripped to pieces by Thorn.

Aaaand the movie bogs down again. See, they have to have some kind of explanation for this and some kind of ending and their time is getting short so things seem really rushed. Nathan turns out to be not an innocent at all, but some kind of... I dunno... schizo character who can't control his 'evil' side I guess. So the three of them kind of go around for a while and soon Red is running from both of them as Nathan's 'evil' side keeps taking over.

Who wins? Well that's kind of obvious but the why is where they REALLY went waaaay to complicated. Red set it up. Why didn't she remember? Dunno... just know that her family were the victims of a serial killer and since then she has dedicated her life to executing all serial killers. In the media world she is known as the 'Red Angel' and we see her going after assorted baddies with a Katana blade. Uh huh.

So even though it appears that Thorn was defeated by Red in this movie, apparently the movie maker liked him so much ('cause there wasn't enough time for this to be a decision by audience approval) that they immediately made a sequel to this movie. Let's hope for less backstory, more gore and please keep that color scheme! It was both gorgeous and disturbing. But the idea of caging up a bunch of serial killers and letting them have at it with each other? Brilliant.

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MOVIES THAT AREN'T WORTH MENTIONING BUT NOW THAT I'M HERE I MIGHT AS WELL WARN YOU ABOUT THEM















Reel Evil (2012)

Okay young ones you know the drill so let me break this down quick. Hand held cameras - check. Night vision recording - check. Headache from shaky camera view - check. Nothing happens except shadows or a glimpse of something for an hour or so - check. Quick looks at 'spirits' popping out - check. People die (well, this is so cheap they mostly just disappear) - check. Everybody dies - check. Somebody obviously finds the film later - check. End.

This place is icky poo...

So this is about three stupid idiots Moe, Curly and Larry (or Shemp if you prefer). They really, really want to make a documentary about a retarded horror movie and they found one. It will one of those 'behind the scenes' that have better stuff than the movie itself. They hope. You already know the where and the how. 

NOT the director - unfortunately...

We also get to meet the principle people working on the film - if they were any more phony, they'd be cartoons. The director goes around screaming that no one is to look him in the eye or get in his way or... let's just say he's a shameful example of a homosexual and puts them back a couple of decades. I fully expected him to fling his head around and have a crying fit. While shaking his hands like he was trying to dry them. THAT'S THE MOST EXCITING PART OF THIS MOVIE FOLKS. After that...

The three documentary dudes (well, one's a woman 'cause DUH is not restricted to any sex, color or race) soon get bored with the shoot because - have you ever seen a movie shoot? I have. They take about five seconds and shoot it. And shoot it again. And again. And again. It's funny when you see a movie where they shoot a scene and move right on to the next one. THAT scene probably took a whole day.

So we get three very bored stooges wandering around the HUGE (and they're always huge - there are no medium or house sized asylums) place looking for something scary and finding - nothing. Of course if they actually looked at what they've filmed they'd see what we do - umm, nothing. Oh there's a creaking door or a shadow and even once some specter behind the cameraman for a second but. Sigh. Let's end this.

This was her best part - QUIET.

One by one they finally start disappearing (cheaper than showing them dying and less special effects). The ingenue (read slut) is found actually in a state of dissection in what was probably most of their budget spent for just that shot. Since the three stooges are hated by the film crew (Which doesn't make sense - don't they want publicity?) anyway, nobody misses anybody.

Rules?

Of course there are rules to abandoned mental asylums - I'll print them later but you probably already know them if you've even seen two or three of these idiotic things. There's always a horrible doctor who ran the show who tortured and killed patients 'cause hey - nobody gave a damn about them anyway, right? And neither did I.

APPLY, LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT





7 Nights Of Darkness (2011)

Apparently, in some cities or states, somewhere in the US, there are actually open, modern working mental asylums. How many I can't seem to find anywhere to pin down a number. I did find out that there are supposedly more mentally ill persons in jails and prisons than there are in hospitals. That might explain why there are all these freaking abandoned asylums that filmmakers love to make spooky movies in.

This is a particularly cheap outing of the standard people-stay-and-die stories. For one, we don't have the endless setting up of equipment, the introduction of the 'team' or the explanation of why teenagers are breaking into whatever abandoned facility they have in their town (I am SOOOO jealous!), or interviews with the supposed 'producers' of this show, we just have a short paragraph that basically tells you what you need to know and why you don't even need to watch the movie:

'In 2008 six reality television show contestants spent seven nights in an abandoned and haunted asylum. The show never aired but an editor for the network was able to piece together some footage. The prize for staying all seven nights was a share of one million dollars that was to be split amongst any contestants that didn't leave. No prize money was ever awarded.'

Well, there ya go. They show up, things are dull, they hear noises, they see things, they die. Apply, lather, rinse, repeat. I don't usually recommend movies like this but if crews or people wetting themselves because 'it just got cold in here' or 'what was that noise' kind of stuff, you'd be better off watching either Grave Encounters or Grave Encounters 2. Actually you'd be better off watching The Simpsons or Family Guy.

Oh hey, I know... how about Supernatural Activity? I actually have watched that one a couple of times. It spoofs all of 'em - found footage, Blair Witch, Paranormal Activity, and every spook TV show there is. Damon Dealer is a hero (obviously a parody of Criss Angel - Mindfreak).

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