The Drive In Experience


Grindhouse: Death Proof (2007)


Again, we get the great drive-in type experience and a kind of unique story. I say that because, unless there are others that I'm not aware of (totally possible) this is only one of three movies where you are introduced to protagonists, get to know them, see them for half the movie, then they're killed (the other two are Psycho and Horror Hotel, coincidentally produced the same year in different countries in 1960). That's what happens here, just as a warning. But it is central to the plot so I guess Quentin Tarantino (who wrote and directed this one) felt it was a good move.

Who lives? Who dies? Watch and find out....

The plot: Three friends go out for drinks and whatever. They don't know it but a nasty piece of work, former stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell) has been stalking them wherever they go. Mike has a hell of a car, made for stuntwork. As he explains to one victim the car completely protects him - but not the passenger (after which he slams on the brakes and... well, splat). So he wants these girls. Why? Maybe because they're young, they don't notice him, they're drinking and smoking a lot of weed, and he's just a mean son of a bitch. So they leave and he starts following them. He arranges to get ahead of them, turn around and in the dark speeds toward them for a nasty head-on collision.... and there goes our protagonists of the first half of the movie.


Only slightly wounded Mike is exonerated (after all, the women were all drunk and stoned). However this is Texas and a Ranger is suspicious so Mike has to find himself another state where he gets himself another car to 'reset' his little trap. And we get new protagonists.


Skip ahead a little over a year. We get Abernathy (Rosario Dawson, Kim (Tracie Thoms) and Lee (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) who are driving through Tennessee. They get Mike's attention but he holds off. They pick up their friend Zoe Bell (playing herself), a stuntwoman from New Zealand, from the airport. Zoe wants to go to a remote place where a 1970 Dodge Challenger which is exactly like the car used in the movie Vanishing Point (I haven't seen that but the hubby has and says it's absolutely awesome) is for sale.


In order to test-drive the car (read see how fast they can go in it) they leave behind Lee as collateral I guess. Nice friends. They then squeal out with the car and start really revving it up, and... stuff. Sorry, I don't know a lot about regular cars or muscle cars so I can't give you more information than that, you'll just have to watch it.

A muscle car to die for....

Zoe, being the fearless stuntwoman wants to play what is called 'Ship's Mast' where she rides on the hood using only leather belts to hold onto while Kim revs the car up to top speeds. Unfortunately that's when Mike makes his move. He rear-ends the car with Zoe clinging for dear life. They get in a life or death battle and.... well let's just say the ending was very satisfying and I loved watching Kurt Russell cry like a bitch. Sorry about that, that was kind of mean... but this is definitely an affirmative action type movie, and women are NOT portrayed as victims, at least in the second half of the movie. This one I think women as well as men would enjoy  - give it a try.

The Drive-In Experience

Grindhouse: Planet Terror (2007)

Ah the drive-in. If you are too young or if no drive-in was near the place you grew up, you truly missed something special. Whether it was the scratchy speakers, the worn-out movie reels with scratches and skips, trying to watch the movie from the back seat without the rearview mirror being in the way, being too hot or too cold, sneaking in your own popcorn, being in your pajamas, or trying to watch the movie through windshield wipers when it rained, a drive-in movie was a - well it was a pain in the butt however I am so glad I got to experience it.


Grindhouse, while not presenting its movies in drive-ins, tries to capture some of those experiences. This movie contains the worn-out sequences, scratches, even missing reels and posters from management 'apologizing for the inconvenience'. Classic. The movie is great anyway but this just seems to make it that much more special.


We're talking about a zombie movie here too, so we've really got a treasure. First we get the first trailer of the unreleased movie Machete (Which, darn it, was not done in Grindhouse style but regular blockbuster movie style. Rats.). The plot: A military unit, having been sprayed with - something during (pick the war) are now dependent on the substance to live as humans. Without it, they, well, become something like what you see below. Stars pop up all over in this thing: Bruce Willis is here as part of the military squad buying (or stealing, whatever) as much of the substance as they can get from a biochemical engineer looking only for the amount of money to be made. When the engineer is betrayed, he releases the gas they need into the atmosphere. 'Normal' people exposed to the gas become ravenous zombies.

I feel a little bloated...

There are about four or five subplots (maybe more) so to list everything going on here is impossible, and would take pages to explain. Let's just say that great talents such as Quentin Tarantino, Jeff Fahey, Michael Biehn, Rose McGowan, Josh Brolin, Freddy Rodriguez, Tom Savini and a pack of others make appearances and have their own little worlds revolving around the main story of zombies gone wild. But it is a real kick to watch a movie, have it skip completely to a new scene, get to an explanation of a character then see 'reel missing' and then the actors thanking the character for sharing the story we never get to hear (that might be really frustrating to some, but I found it funnier than hell).


To say this is action packed is not inaccurate - in fact it calls itself an 'action horror' film, something you don't often see. And action packed it is. Where else on earth are you going to get to see a zombie film with a stripper with one leg and a machine gun strapped to her stump? That was truly a piece of work (although in reality it probably wouldn't work but... it was fun to watch).

If this comes up on your movie choices, Netflix, whatever try it out - and get a taste of what seeing movies was all about when I was young. Yes, they made movies in colors when I was little, you smarties. Try it, you just might like it. Oh, who wins? Watch and see.

Older Treasures


City Of The Dead aka Horror Hotel (1960)


I had never heard of this movie, starring Christopher Lee, but because there is an 'Of The Dead' at the end of the title, I was prepared for yet another Romero ripoff. I was wrong for several reasons: The movie, set in America but made in England (the actors had to use American accents as they all were English) was actually called Horror Hotel. The American release used the other title, eight years before Romero's film. It also is not about zombies per se, but witchcraft and devil worship.


A B&W movie, most of it is dark, and they really overdid the fog machine effects (after all this was NOT England), but a well crafted movie with a good storyline, a little slow but still effective and worth a look. Set in Whitewood, Mass. (don't know why they didn't just use Salem), the plot revolves around a witch named Selwyn being burned at the stake but making a pact with Satan before she 'dies', guaranteeing her immortality as long as she keeps sacrificing virgins. This movie was interesting, but some really neat stuff popped up when I looked up more information about it.


For one, there are the censored lines for the American version - stupid because it sets up the plot. They are: 

1. "I have made my pact with thee O Lucifer! Hear Me, Hear Me! I will do thy bidding for all eternity. For all eternity shall I practice the ritual of Black Mass. For all eternity shall I sacrifice unto thee. I give thee my soul, take me into thy service."
2. "O Lucifer, listen to thy servant, grant her this pact for all eternity and I with her, and if we fail thee but once, you may do with our souls what you will."
3. "Make this city an example of thy vengeance. Curse it, curse it for all eternity! Let me be the instrument of thy curse. Hear me O Lucifer, Hear Me!"

Why censored? Dunno. It's not like America didn't have it's share of witches, monsters and demon movies.

Also, this movie was made the same year Psycho was made and there are interesting similarities: In Psycho a unique aspect is getting to know a character who is the main protagonist in approximately half the movie and is then killed. Same happens here. In both it's a beautiful young blonde. In both they travel to an out-of-the-way hotel and there meet their demise. You can't really say one copied the other since they were both released the same year in different countries. The only other film I can think of that spends so much time with its main characters just to kill them off in the middle of the movie was Grindhouse's Death Proof (2007) which is also a pretty good film - the second half anyway.

You've also seen or heard of this movie more than you think. The metal band Iron Maiden use scenes from this film in the video clip for "Bring Your Daughter... to the Slaughter". Also King Diamond uses clips in their "Sleepless Nights" video, while Rob Zombie used Christopher Lee's opening words ("Superstition, fear and jealousy") to similarly preface his track "Dragula" from Hellbilly Deluxe. In addition, the punk band the Misfits wrote a song called "Horror Hotel" (the American release title).

This is definitely worth a look. It's original, it's good writing (don't let the movie poster fool you, you won't find anything close to what it depicts in the movie) and Christopher Lee was very handsome in 1960 and always fun to watch.

M. Night Shyamalan Is Not Synonymous With Genius

Devil aka The Night Chronicles: Devil (2010) 


This movie seriously pissed me off. The previews looked cool. I don't usually go to the movies so I waited for PPV - got it, DVR'd it, waited until I felt good enough to enjoy it and... was so seriously pissed I swore off any movie that this Shamalamadingdong was involved with. And now I find it is to be one of a trilogy? Seriously? Two more piles of steaming crap to go with this one? Yikes.


We get to be bored by a constant voice-over by Ramirez, an employee of a high rise building. He keeps telling stories his granny taught him about good and evil, God and the Devil. In convenient exposition style he tells of stories where the Devil, apparently being really REALLY bored with nothing else to do, can't wait to drag evil people to hell but will come to earth to, umm, hasten their journey I guess. The sign that the Devil has come down to earth to do his evil work (having legions of demons, I guess he still needs to get his own hands dirty once in a while) is a suicide. Well hell (pardon the pun) he must be everywhere all the time, considering the suicide rate is one every 40 seconds worldwide. That must be what the legions of demons are for, the Devil can't have all the fun. I'm not making light of the fact that so many people are that despondent that they want to end their own life, just Mr. S.'s view on how the Devil operates. Duh.



Soon after a person jumps off the 35th floor of the building, an elevator with a mix of five people in it screeches to a halt. Stuck. And so are we, 'cause we're basically here for the rest of this sorry excuse of a movie.


We have the stereotypical alcoholic detective, bitter over the loss of his wife and son, who is assigned to the suicide case but soon becomes involved with the unexplained and unfixable state of the elevator. Why? Please don't ask, that will just make them talk some more. Anywho, Ramirez is a security officer in the building that watches over the elevators. He can talk to the people inside, but for some reason, he cannot hear what is said. We already know why. In fact, I had this so-called puzzle solved in the first ten minutes but the movie takes an excruciating 80 minutes to catch up. Just look for the obvious that is trying not to be obvious, and you pretty much have it all wrapped up quickly. These five people are not nice people. Let's face it, how many really nice people are there in the world anyway? And what did these five not-so-nice people do that they get a visit from the actual leader of the demons himself? I know some serial killers, child molesters and other creepy crawlies that are much more deserving of a little personal attention, if hell was real. The Bible does not teach that, but this is not a religious lesson. He tries to make it one but fails like he fails to build this movie into a proper horror film.

The not-so-nice people begin to die as lights conveniently go off and come on. Wow, is THAT an old trick. And speaking of old tricks, Mr. S. was not as creative as some may think with this movie - in a lot of aspects it rips off points from an Agatha Christie novel published in 1939. Naughty naughty - you might be getting a visit soon Mr. S. Fingers point all the way around (by those left alive of course) and since they have nothing better to do, they all turn on each other. Duh. Those trying to repair the elevator are killed, after all, we can't have this movie end early. Unfortunately. Sigh. The detective tries to figure out the puzzle but alcohol kills a lot of brain cells, so Ramirez keeps giving his homey advice based on all the spooky stuff his granny kept telling him (nice granny, give the poor kid night terrors for the rest of his life).


I could tell you who the 'Devil' turns out to be to save you the trouble, but instead to get a much better constructed and satisfying ending would be to read Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None. Not only would you pretty much have your answer, but a hell of a lot better story.


Of course, one last survivor (Wait, that's the Devil, right? No?) confesses his sin which for whatever reason means the Devil can't take him (Why not? Ask a Catholic I guess, I have no idea.) and conveniently it ties in with the detective and his tale of woe.

Okay, I made a deal, I get to die first. Ha!

The movie ends with Ramirez' wise statement of 'If there is a Devil, there must be a God'. Real comforting for people to think that God would just let the Devil rip people up like that and then send 'em to hell. A good reason for the rise in Atheism I guess. Hey, instead of not believing in God, just stop going to Mr. S.'s movies. Maybe some of your faith in God will come back.

M. Night Shyamalan Is Not Synonymous With Genius


The Happening (2008)


I must confess, I was thoroughly prepared to hate this movie. I've been tricked by Mr. S. before (I like to call him Shamalamadingdong, I think it suits him) and I really REALLY don't like his movies (like Devil, which review follows). But I was asked to watch this and give my opinion so.... here goes. Let's start with the title. The Happening? That's the best he could do? I have some better ones but that will come later.


We have Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel and John Leguizamo teamed up on this one. Now I really want to hate it. Not because they're in it, but because of what Mr. S. has probably made them do in his self-described 'horror thriller'.

Wait, what emotion was I supposed to show?

The plot: In Central Park in NYC a wind is shown moving through the trees and people suddenly start acting weird, confused, and ultimately begin killing themselves. The government instantly thinks terrorist attack with a biotoxin and people are asked to evacuate NYC. Simple enough, It only has what, over 8 million people living there? Elliot Moore (Mark Wahlberg), a high school science teacher in Philadelphia, is told along with the other faculty including Julian (John Leguizamo) by the principal (a short role for Alan Ruck but I still love watching those blue eyes) about the attacks and the school is closed. Both Elliot and Julian decide to get out of town by train. Elliot is with his wife Alma (played with a considerable lack of enthusiasm by Zooey Deschanel) and Julian is with his daughter, his wife being caught in traffic and not making the train. After the train is stopped due to lack of communication with... anybody, they are stuck in a small town. Elliot and Julian are separated when Julian decides to try to hitch a ride to find his wife. He asks Elliot to take care of his daughter. Soon after that, the 'toxin' affects all in the car with Julian. The driver deliberately drives full speed into a tree. Julian lives but is seen sitting on the road, grabbing glass to cut himself with. Nice. I knew Mr. S. was going to do something awful to these guys.


We get some convenient exposition by a nursery owner (who is situated right next to a power plant, that's healthy) about how plants can communicate with each other and even defend each other or themselves if threatened. Now we're talking trees communicating with plants, plants with grass, grass with crops.... you get the idea. So now we get the feeling this is not man-made but natural.


Yes we as humans have screwed this planet up royally. We've overpopulated, deforested, polluted, and done a lot of really nasty things to the only place we can call home. That's why the title is really lacking. Maybe he wanted to keep his 'twisty' little plot points secret. A better title might be The Day The Earth Struck Back, or Planet Pissed, or You've S*** On Us So We're Gonna S*** On You. Just some suggestions.


Elliot keeps coming up with brilliant theories (he thinks) that manage to keep him, his wife and Julian's daughter alive. As the attacks become more widespread across the Northeast, even the atmosphere itself gangs up on them, spreading things even faster with gusting winds. He figures the less people, the less likely the attack and so the few survivors split off in smaller and smaller groups. This goes strictly against horror movie etiquette.


After running, hiding, meeting people, watching people die, running again, they find a decrepit house with an old woman who is isolated from everything. She grudgingly lets them stay and feeds them, even though she is a paranoid, rotten old b.... I mean lady. When she goes outside and is herself stricken with this... stuff, she kills herself. Now Elliot knows it doesn't matter - it, whatever it is, wants everyone dead. He is split with his wife and the kid (Doesn't anybody pay attention to horror movies?) in different buildings but, only thinking thoughts of love for her, goes outside anyway. She does the same, finally showing a little emotion. They should have played 'All You Need Is Love' in the background, since Mr. S. was making an obvious point that love makes the world go 'round and the plants not kill you.

The plants rebelled that morning and end their hissy fit the next morning. All is now well. Three months later find the Moores back at home with Julian's daughter, and we find that Alma is now pregnant. Oh yes, we learned our lesson didn't we? We pissed off the earth by all the things I listed above, and now she's adding to the population again. Duh. 'Experts' warn that this may have been only a warning, like the red tide (a reference to real incidents where off the coast of several countries a red bloom of algae inexplicably appears, poisoning wildlife and sickening anyone eating anything with it in it).

And since Mr. S,. can't resist to have the 'twisty' part of a movie we shoot over to France, where in a garden in front of the Louvre a scream rings out and everyone freezes as the wind moves through the trees.

Guess we weren't warned enough. Just like not enough people are warned about M. Night Shyamalan movies.

Movies So Stupid They're Almost Good - No, Wait, They're Still Bad



Human vs. Zombies (2011)


Humans vs. Zombies (also called HvZ for short) is a live-action game played at college campuses where players begin as Humans and try to survive in a story where Zombies have begun to rise from the dead. The ultimate goal of the game is for either all Humans to be turned into Zombies, or for the Humans to survive a set amount of time. Safe zones are established so that players can eat and sleep in safety. The game was created in 2005 at Goucher College by Chris Weed and Brad Sappington, who have since created an official website with general guideline rules and information for other universities to create and customize their own HvZ game. Final rules are determined by each game's moderators and admins. Since the game's creation, Humans vs. Zombies is played at over 1,000 locations, spanning across six continents. Now those colleges that play HvZ take it very seriously, rules are strictly enforced, and safety issues have even been dealt with to satisfy concerns about violence and possible injuries from, ummm, enthusiastic players.


But this isn't it.


Fellow zombie enthusiast Debra Oliveri has found a new series on HvZ that she says so far is quite good called Bite Me (check YouTube).


But this isn't it.


Unfortunately what we have here is a lame movie (calling itself a satirical thriller) adaptation of the wildly popular game that falls right on its face. No secrets here. The zombies win. Period. If you think this is a good way to learn about HvZ, sorry. You get a little bit of what goes on during game play but the players are portrayed as kind of whiny nerds (I'm sorry, I don't see a nerd uprising in case of zombie outbreak).

 On a college campus in Texas a former soldier and current security officer Frank is ridiculed because, while the students play what they figure will only be a game, he is oh-so-ready for the real thing. He wants blood. Any blood. Meanwhile of course there is the customary biological whoopsy that escapes and spreads the zombie virus for real. Players at the college aren't aware of this, until several students are bitten and the contagion spreads throughout campus. Frank is almost overjoyed, not only is he vindicated (in his mind), but he can kill things indiscriminately (or destroy, however you want to perceive it) which in his twisted little mind is what he was made to do. We are supposed to care about a group of five student survivors (one who is actually carrying a ZA survival guide, but I don't think it's Max Brooks' version) and Frank getting off campus and to somewhere safe. But we really don't care. I mean, these are your typical movie version college students: Too old, too boring, too shallow, too picture perfect. Too often seen in every single teen movie made.


So you have the brave one, the nerd, the tough chick, the beauty queen, the misfit and Frank the guard. And you really don't care. Best line of the movie? The misfit, who also is loving the situation of being able to 'kill' indiscriminately comes in with a bloody weapon and a huge smile on his face, saying "I may have missed the rapture but I'm huntin' without a license until Jesus comes." Cute. As close to a laugh as you're going to get.


Supposedly it is discovered that all those poor military men who were exposed to chemicals during (pick your war it really doesn't matter) are now immune to zombie attack, I guess maybe because now they taste bad. So I guess the only ones on earth will be zombies and bitter veterans (HA! Made a pun and didn't even catch it at first!). Goodie.


Want to learn about the real HvZ? Check it out online or, according to Debra, watch Bite Me - you'll save yourself some torture of getting through this turkey.

Movies So Stupid They're Almost Good - Really!



House (1986)


Long before a Brit came to America to become a scruffy limping genius of a doctor we already had House. Now this movie had a lot of seeming strikes against it. It starred William Katt (Who? Let's see.... son of Barbara Hale, Perry Mason's secretary, and star of the short-lived and goofy The Greatest American Hero) and Kay Lenz (Ah, just Google her). And Richard Moll. And George Wendt. Not names you'd think of for horror. But, this is comedy/horror, a genre I really don't trust but guess what? Sometimes it works. I truly enjoyed this movie when it first came out and getting to revisit it was actually still fun.


Now there are a couple things are in this movie that I think got ripped off later and made others some big bucks. One we have a scene where a mounted swordfish begins to wiggle like crazy. Somebody later created Billy Bass, who did basically the same thing but sang (yuck). Worth millions. A scene shows horrible child-like creatures that are really gross that attack a small child. Sounds like Garbage Pail Kid material to me. Oops wait, that was 1985, the same time this was filmed, so we kind of have a close race there.


The house, one of those huge, gorgeous Victorian models looks awfully familiar. I swear I've seen it in other movies. If you read this, recognize the house and a movie it was in, let me know and I'll add it to this review.


The plot: Roger Cobb (William Katt), an author of horror novels, moves into the house of his deceased aunt. He and his wife Sandy Sinclair (Kay Lenz) have been divorced since, during a stay at his aunt's house, his son Jimmy falls into the swimming pool and disappears without a trace. Because somewhere inside him he believes his son to still be alive and in the house he cannot sell it. Instead he chooses to stay and write a new novel about his experiences in Vietnam. 


The House is anything but normal. Doors open to rooms one moment, into other dimensions or even Vietnam during the 60's the next. Roger tries to record the stuff happening without much success. Meanwhile his neighbor, Harold Gorton (George Wendt), thinks that Roger is as crazy as his aunt was. But was she? She knew the house was 'haunted'.

As he writes the novel, as I'm sure what would happen with most war veterans in that situation, he begins to have flashbacks about the horrible experiences witnessed there, especially about his friend Big Ben (Richard Moll, in the only role you'll ever see him with hair I'd wager). He meets a beautiful neighbor but she's more interested in a babysitter than a boyfriend. One night she dumps little Robert, who seems to be around two, on him although he protests profusely. The reason why is by this time, Roger is seeing things. And experiencing things. Like flying garden tools, a monster in the closet, an encounter with what he thinks to be his wife but is actually Sandywitch (her name in the credits), the ghost of his aunt, and continued emotional flashbacks about his friend Big Ben. When Robert starts to fuss, he gives him toy after toy, finally saying "How about a nice plastic bag to play with?" Ha! You couldn't get away with saying that now, people are too sensitive about that kind of thing. The Garbage Pail Kid look-a-likes (or Little Critters if they were first I don't know) grab the boy and he has to fight them to get the little one back. Good thing the kid can't talk - especially about the plastic bag remark, much less the monsters.


Roger finds a painting his aunt created where his son is shown to be trapped in the bathroom medicine cabinet. Roger opens it - just stuff. But when he smashes the mirror, there's a black abyss and he hears his son's voice calling him. He gets a rope, crawls down, lands in water and swims to shore where he finds his son in a cage and rescues him. There's gunfire and they dive into the water, coming up in, of course, the swimming pool of the House. One continuity error - once in the house both are completely dry and clean. Oops.


But it's not over. Big Ben, now a zombie I guess (without the lust for brains) wants revenge for being abandoned in the Vietnam jungle. He shows up, and they tussle all over for a while until Roger figures out that while he can get hurt by the House, it can't kill him and neither can Big Ben. He sets off a grenade inside Big Ben which catches the house on fire, and the final scene is Sandy conveniently showing up by cab staring at the house in flames, and Roger and Jimmy come out the front door. Again a slight break in continuity as both are once again clean, dry, and unharmed (even their clothes look pressed).


And a good time was had by all. At least in my opinion. Yes the premise is thin. The cast makes you say 'huh?'. The effects are cartoonish. The situations ridiculous. And yet, you enjoyed the ride. At least I did.


Now there was a House 2 but - like most sequels - I wouldn't bother with it unless you've got nothing else.