One Damn Cult Movie At A Time

The Food Of The Gods (1976)

This was one of those movies I saw at the drive-in as a kid and was scared of large rats coming to get me for... well for a while. It scared me a bit (and there were very few things that did) but somehow the thought of rodents gnawing on you got to me so I decided to watch it again with adult eyes... and laughed my butt off.

This movie is a heavy-handed 'man has raped the land, the land will get revenge' kind of movie, H. G. Wells was good at that, but after a speech at the beginning we get into one of the silliest movies trying to be gory and scary and ending up being way too much fun to pick apart. And all that language and 'gore' with a PG rating! How in the hell did they get away with that? We start with Morgan (an unfortunately named Marjoe Gortner) who apparently is the 70's version of MacGyver because he knows everything about everything and nothing ever ruffles his feathers. In other words, he's extremely annoying. 

He's hunting deer with dogs on an island (everything takes place in Canada so it's always wet and/or foggy) when a friend gets separated from the other two and is found dead - swollen. We get to see why - the cheesiest fake wasps that yes, I know it's the 70's, but the laughs began and didn't end until the credits. He finds a cabin that can magically change shape (I'll show you in a minute) but the woman, Mrs. Skinner is none too nice to him and has no phone so after battling a huge rooster - well, a huge rooster HEAD anyway, they didn't have funds for the rest of it, he hauls his buddy's body back to the mainland. Ewww.

All the animals (well, the babies anyway) have fed from a mysterious small spring coming from the ground which Mr. Skinner, whose land it's on calls The Food Of The Gods. I call it gross looking cottage cheese gone bad. He plans on selling it to the highest bidder but begins to have a crisis of conscience so comes back home. He's driving this red VW bug and the fun begins... He blows a tire and hears a noise and AHHH huge rats are after him! Now as I said it's always either raining or foggy and this is no exception - everything is soaked. Except the rats. Perfectly dry rats are seen crawling over a badly made wet VW model - different than the real car. Then a rat puts his head through the windshield like it was paper. Still dry though. 

These kinds of inconsistencies are rampant through the film, which is kind of like sci fi slapstick. There's just too much to make fun of to keep this review to a decent length. Like how they use the same footage of these miraculously dry rats in the rain moving the same piece of ground like a Hanna Barbera cartoon. That saved a bit of money on film I'll bet. By the time the rats are done with Mr. Skinner, there's a boot, an arm, and a pile of something that looked like pomegranate seeds. Oh, and fortunately although the velociRATors (yeah, I know what I said) knew to open the car door and rip it off as well as take out the windshield, they were kind enough to leave the windshield wipers intact.

Soon we have a real douchebag named Bensington coming to the cabin to buy the stuff from the Skinners. He zooms right past the red VW with all the carnage without even looking, and also a distressed couple in a broken RV. Nice guy. His assistant is a 'lady bacteriologist' (wow, how proactive) named Lorna (Pamela Franklin, in her last movie - I absolutely loved her in The Legend Of Hell House) who doesn't approve of him or his methods. She's very verbal about it too which is funny in itself - she's playing an American but her very English accent slips in and out through the movie. Love you though Pamela. As Morgan and his friend return to the island because, I don't know, he just doesn't know when to stay out of anything, they apparently also zoom past the VW and the carnage, although he does stop for the RV couple. 

As all converge on the magic cabin the rats have begun to take over. They've killed the super huge chickens (not eating them though) and are swarming all over the place now, supposedly being led by an albino rat for some reason. One of the characters kind of gives their SFX secrets away saying the chickens could be simply 'plaster of paris and some ostrich feathers'. Shhhh... nobody's supposed to guess that except every single person watching this movie. Now MacGyver - uh I mean Morgan has tried different ways to keep them back, including shocking them with electricity and drowning them (I don't like rats but they better have been careful with those little guys). He and his friend also blast them with shotguns (you can plainly tell no injury happens to them - it looks like they hit them with little red paint BBs). 

There's still a ton of them of course or we wouldn't still have a movie to get through. The inconsistencies keep coming and we kept laughing.. when Bensington looked at the miraculous spring it was calm as glass - a second later it was bubbling like a cauldron. And the changing cabin... wow. Morgan and his friend, in revenge mode I suppose, go out to explode the wasps (Hmm, a munitions expert too, huh?) they find a huge nest on a small limb, blow it up, go and look and there's not a scrap of anything plus it is a different tree. Wahahahaaaaa...

Okay, the RV chick is preggers and going into labor and the rats are closing in. Since MacGyver - sorry, Morgan has determined that these rats can't swim he's gonna drown all of them. This is where the magic cabin comes in handy. He makes a couple of pipe bombs and blows a small dam (That's pretty much illegal, right?) and the water is pasted in so badly most of the time it doesn't hit the ground. And it's partially transparent - kind of like the wasps. This water, even though the cabin is on a hill, manages to flood it up to the second level. But the magic cabin is ready for them - where there was once two windows and nothing else, there is now a veranda and two chimneys, so they can stand and watch the nasty furries all drown. The white rat, smarter than your average bear, gets on the roof but Morgan shoots it and it falls into the water. In the end, you don't see a single rat floating anywhere. Where the hell did they all go?

The next scene the water is gone and for some lame reason they're dragging all the dead rats up to the porch to set them on fire. Where the hell did the water go and why make a bonfire by the house? Oh, and the magic cabin has reverted to it's former state of two windows and no veranda. Phew. And because H. G. Wells was trying to teach mankind a lesson we get our little twist - everything washes out to the rivers, lakes, what have you - including the last of the bad cottage cheese looking food of the gods. Which the cows drink. Then give milk. Then schoolchildren drink it up. Oh good, more Nephilim (look 'em up, they're in Genesis). And our lesson is over and the silliness makes me think I'll never be hesitant to pick up a rat ever again. Squeak.

One Damn Cult Movie At A Time

Barbarella (1968) French-Italian

I wanted to do all these at once in a overload of, uh, interesting movies that have grown a cult following but due to my limitations and my puddy's health, that's not going to be possible but I will get them here as fast as I can watch 'em...

This is a wonder of a movie, not because of any brilliance, talent or great special effects, but a wonder that Jane Fonda was willing to show her breasts for an extended period of time throughout this movie. Not that there aren't other breasts in this movie, there are plenty which is very strange for a PG rated movie, but there must have been a clause that none could be perkier or larger than Jane's... did her husband approve of all her nudity? Hell yes, Roger Vadim, whom she was married to at the time directed this stinker. All I had remembered was her wide eyed empty headed acting (and costume changes) and the fact that one of my fave 80's band Duran Duran got their name from this movie (dropping the 'd'). I didn't miss much in the forgetting.

To begin with we're treated with nine full minutes of nudity starting with Jane Fonda being upside down suspended in a space suit. She slowly strips it off and really needs a pole 'cause hey, this is a nudie bar scene, don't kid yourself. Each piece of the suit comes off slowly - when the front plate comes off she says something off camera but they don't tell you what. All the while we're treated to the 'Barbarella' song which desperately tries to think of words rhyming with 'Barbarella' and coming up with stuff like 'psychadella' and worse. She is referred to as a five-star, double-rated astronavigatrix. I guess that's a fancy term for 'slut with many outfits'. Anyway, as she stands naked she receives her orders - find the scientist Durand Durand who has made the first weapon in centuries (this is supposed to be the year 40,000) and bring him back to earth. The 'president of earth' delivers this speech from his 'viewer' and, every second he talks to Barbarella, it's directly at her chest.

Which give us our first costume - breasts clearly showing of course. Which gets ripped by evil snapping sharp teethed dolls. So we get another costume 14 minutes in. A, uh, native of the planet Tau Ceti rescues her wanting good ole' sex in return. On earth sex is performed by taking a pill and touching hands (yeah sure it is). He wants the caveman version - which is appropriate because this guy had more body hair than any ape I've ever seen - yuck! And then another costume change at 27 minutes, not lasting long 'cause she's got another at 30 minutes (yeah, I was counting). After boinking an 'angel' ornithanthrope (Barbarella pretty much made up its own language) who happens to be blind (good excuse to feel her up) we get costume changes at 40 minutes. Pygar, the blind wingman introduces her to Professor Ping. Now this is the strangest twist of all, not because it's inventive, but because this character is played by the internationally acclaimed actor and mime Marcel Marceau. Doesn't matter how old you are, you've heard that name a lot. What he's doing here is anybody's guess. And yes, he speaks.

So DD is supposed to be in the city of Sogo,  ruled over by the Great Tyrant and powered by a liquid essence of evil called the Mathmos. She is found and placed in a cage to be pecked to death by, wait for it... wait... wait... almost... parakeets. Pretty, colored, tiny little parakeets. And her costume gets ripped to pieces again. I was more concerned about the little birds, but closely watching the scene I didn't see any get hurt or squished when she rolled over so they must have been careful. Parakeets? Really? Barbarella says it's 'much too poetic a way to die'. In what way exactly? We're not told and we don't wanna know. She comes up with several uh, I suppose they were supposed to be pithy statements like, 'A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.' whatever that's supposed to mean, and 'Decrucify that angel!'. Ookay.

Barbarella is rescued by Dildano (okay this name made me laugh a lot, sorry it just struck me funny)  leader of the resistance. She's willing to give sex for the favor but he wants to do it Earth style so we get a protracted boring scene of the two of them hand to hand, his hand starts to smoke and both their hair curls up (oh brother). Despite his 'help' she is captured by the Concierge and  placed inside the Excessive Machine. This basically is supposed to be an organ with her inside of it and when he plays certain tunes she is supposed to die from pleasure. Organ orgasm I guess. She breaks it because she's soooo sexual and free and blah blah blah here comes another costume and she discovers this old guy is DD, aged because of the Mathmos since it feeds on evil or some dumb ass reason.

She's trapped  in the Tyrant's Chamber of Dreams, but after waking the Tyrant they escape in a bubble because Barbarella is soooo innocent (cough cough) that the Mathmos is puking her up. Oh, that's tasty. The Mathmos then destroys DD and Pygar, who is not dead as she thought, takes both women and flies away. When asked why he'd take the bad woman with the good one he says 'An angel has no memory'. Hmm, he remembered the two of them all right. He also says an angel cannot make love he is love, so for the credits (and beyond) we're treated to a 60's horrific song about love love love and angel angel angel  ad nauseum.

One Person's Trash Is Another Person's Treasure




Cult Movies

Having multi-problems has slowed my reviews down a bit... right now Max thinks he's Gandalf on my table in front of my keyboard and I SHALL NOT PASS... at least not without pissing him off so I got sneaky and took the towel he sits on (the table gets cold) and just kind of slid it around until I could reach the keys.

I promised a cultacular marathon and I'm gonna have one. I guess I am going to have to try Fandor or maybe Fear.net to see if I can get some better, ahem, horror cult movies, 'cause bring up cult movies on Netflix and you're gonna see some weird entries (like Jackass 3)... now I thought cult meant it built up a following in the years since it was released but apparently the better definition is that it is a film that has created a following with a particular group of people (like those who would actually watch Jackass). I went through Netflix's list and I've seen a lot of them - they're also called cult classics but I dunno...


Evil Dead: Oh yeah, this is so choice and I'll accept the cult designation 'cause you've got to just love Campbell and Raimi just to appreciate the silliness and the gore that happens at the same time.

Dusk til Dawn: Actually I agree with this one too - a three story movie with Tarantino and Clooney AND a bunch of vampires thrown in? Win.

American Werewolf In London: There's been a lot of werewolf movies since but no CGI can come close to the awesome transformation Naughton has to go through in this movie. Still the best I've ever seen.

Clueless: Okay yes I've seen this movie several times, you may laugh your head off now. It was an obvious, silly movie that you could predict the end of pretty early but it still makes me laugh and the untimely death of Brittany Murphy just makes it that much more poignant. Oh and it did resurrect Ska music - for a couple of months.

Heathers: Again played mostly for laughs, but hey, the high school kids in this movie were YOUNG enough for high school... and who can resist Christian Slater in anything? Watching rich snob kids get whacked was enough to make it popular with, well, those of us wanting to do the whacking.

Barbarella: Can you believe they're actually talking of remaking this classic? I'm not saying that it was such a wonderful movie that how can you help it but hey, Barbarella is Jane Fonda and no one else. Period. Other than that I'm going to have to watch it again 'cause it's been a long time and all I can remember is her outfits, an angel in the story for some reason, and that Duran Duran got their name from this movie (even if they dropped the 'd').

Re-Animator: Ah Jeffrey Combs. They could make more and more of these stinkers and I'd probably watch them (like I watched all four) just for you. You're sinister and goofy at the same time, and besides, it can be considered a zombie movie so...

House On Haunted Hill: Original with Vincent Price a superior story - not a lot of scares but twisted enough for me. Remake with... lots of people, less of a story, more special effects, and the surprising humor of Chris Kattan, which was all the funnier because he was trying to be serious.

Highlander: I was never a big Lambert fan but this movie has all the right elements - a man living through time, having lots of swordfights (and women) but Clancy Brown as Victor Kruger pretty much stole the movie. Sequels and TV series - meh.

Hellraiser: Oh hell yes! Since Clive Barker is one of my favorite horror writers, even a somewhat lame story to go with the awesome Cenobites made for a great movie. The following what, nine movies they cranked out? Pass 'em up...

Seed Of Chucky: Why this one made the list and not the others I don't know, I just know I laughed my butt off at this one - which is the problem. Chucky (Brad Dourif)  is supposed to be evil, not just a straight man for Jennifer Tilly to play off of. Still, has some hilarious moments as they desperately try to keep a horror angle to it.

Beavis and Butthead Do America: My husband's fault. 'Nuff said.

Return Of The Killer Tomatoes: One I'll have to watch again because all I remember is the silly things rolling around and me laughing my head off. Where the original is I'd love to know, I don't think I've ever seen it.

Planet Of The Apes: Not quite sure cult describes this one it was pretty popular with everyone when it came out. I tried to watch the new 'prequel' but people torturing a bunch of monkeys for medical research isn't my idea of a good time -  but it would explain how they got so pissed and made humans mute slaves.

Poltergeist III: Again, not sure why they picked this one, definitely the lamest of the three and just plain dumb.

The Omen: Another dubious cult designation - this one was also very popular when it came out. And produced a bunch of leave-them-alone knockoffs.

Clue: Uh, maybe. I've seen this one several times too (no, I waited and got to see all the alternate endings) and Tim Curry is a stitch and the others a laugh a minute. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a peek.

Raising Arizona: Again, saw this a long time ago (Before I was incredibly sick of Nicolas Cage - have you seen the Ghost Rider sequel? If you answered no, good for you.) so I don't remember much, just that it wasn't really my kind of humor.

This Is Spinal Tap: Okay if cult means a certain group of people than this was good for those who like watching a fake band make fools of themselves.

Food Of The Gods: I saw the title and thought RATS!!! I'd seen this as a little kid at the drive-in and large, nasty rats is all I remember of this flick so I'm going to have to see it again.

So the list, at least as far as cult HORROR goes is kind of weak. Fandor says it has a large assortment of indie, cult and classic horror so I'm hoping to get a much better list for my cultacular marathon. Stay tuned...

Fool Me Once...

The Invitation (2003) Canada

Oh ho you naughty, naughty Canadians! How dare you put this together with Lance Henriksen, guaranteeing I'll probably watch what is called a psychological thriller, with a picture of him all dark and mysterious and ominous on your poster! Because this sorry excuse of a movie with the tag line 'Regrets Only' was nothing more than a snorefest of whining people spilling their guts in some touchy feely garbage... If I had wanted to watch this sort of thing, I'd hit the daytime TV channels and watch shows about 'My husband is sleeping with me, my sister and my mother!' or 'I like to use other people's bathrooms!' or 'My ten year old child has more sex than I do!' or something equally sappy, stupid or boring.

We open with Roland, a very successful writer. How successful? The impossible kind, the ones who can afford their own islands and trips around the world when they're depressed. He's invited six of his 'friends' to his island for a weekend but <gasp> at dinner he confesses that he's poisoned all of them, and if they don't 'confess' their darkest secrets, they will die. Oh the horror! See, Roland (Lance Henricksen) recently lost his very pregnant wife in an accident (At your age? Impressive!) and so wandered around the world looking for the meaning to life. He expounds on this endlessly throughout the film, expect a lot of guru sounding mumbo jumbo that will make you want to hit the fast forward button constantly. Supposedly he received an epiphany during a visit to a tribe that, when his fellow traveler was brushing his teeth, they killed him, thinking him foaming at the mouth meant he was rabid. Oh it gets better children. Supposedly they then poisoned Roland, and while he was dying all his hate, rage, regret, you know, the emotions that make us human, spilled out of him and he was 'reborn' - especially since they gave him the antidote. He wants to do the same for his 'friends'.

Friends like Roland you can definitely do without. Outside of his house are six shallow graves dug especially for his guests, obviously he doesn't expect any to survive. And sure enough, with enough psychobabble to strangle a dozen psychiatrists, they start to drop. Oh we have guilty consciences, horrific betrayals, infidelities, you know, all the good stuff of a soap opera. But this is supposed to be a thriller. YAWN. All I wanted was for these people to hurry up and die or something to happen like Roland rubbing his hands and saying in his creepy voice 'You signed over all your assets to me, you die and I'm rich MWAHAHAHAHA.... Sigh. Nope. What we get is Roland holding the hands of these pitiful idiots while they spew out the poison of their lives, smiling beatifically at them like he's done the most wonderful thing in the world as they die.

Finally we're left with Joel, a writer who's father always terrified him, telling him he could never be anything but a publisher. His poison has blinded him and he spends some time in a shed acting like a rock star in a fancy hotel room. Finally Roland comes to get him, giving him the 'antidote'. He remains blind, it's too late. Roland gently takes him outside and... we get more philosophizing and Roland acting like he's done him a great favor. Joel's sight eventually begins to return, while Roland is still yammering about how before his wife died they found out they were going to have a boy and how he hoped he would be like Joel because he was always wanting a son like him. He mentions a letter Joel's mother wrote asking if he read it - nope. As Roland finally confesses that no one has died, the poison was merely a drug that simulates death for a few hours he tries to read the letter but Joel is too intent on finding his wife now that they can begin a new life together... why exactly? No no no, don't explain anything, I just want this to end please.

In the end, Roland's guests, without so much as a punch or threat of suing his ass, are back on the boat, ready to see their lives renewed (How exactly?) and Roland watches from a bench on the shore. Oh yeah, did I mention he was dying? He was coughing through the movie, and in movie logic, any nose bleed, cough or headache a character has instantly means they're dying. So Joel is talking to his wife who asks him again about the bloody letter from his mother. He should have read it - it explains that his father was sterile so they made an 'arrangement' with Roland - he was his real father but could never tell him. Duh. Joel turns to Roland and waves to him with a smile as Roland coughs once more and dies. Kind of like this movie.

YOU GUYS ARE INCREDIBLE!



I cannot believe that even before the end of the year I now have over 10,000 views! I'm so grateful for all your support and long-suffering of my ranting of the lamest movies I have ever run across.


Of course, making fun of good movies isn't near as easy, so expect them to be just as bad... I do plan (I'm compiling a list as we speak) to do a sort of Cultacular Marathon since so many of these horror movies, bad as they may be, have developed a massive following over the years. I've done some - the Reanimator series, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Flash Gordon (not really horror) to name a few, but I've found some good ones that I can't wait to, in many cases, re-watch these really campy movies and splat them all over the pages...


Again, thank you for putting up with my slanted views, my illness (and my constant talk of my sick puddy Max, I can't do my blog without his little body to rest my chin on) and any other point of view or constant mention of things (I do tend to repeat myself) to the point of massive frustration.

But again..... WOO HOO!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

And for no other reason than that they are my faves... My Chemical Romance!

Movies So Bad They Make You Say
"What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

Kill Katie Malone (2010)

Just reading the catch phrase and the description told me this was a massive duh of a movie and an easy target for my ever so witty observations. Catch phrase: Never buy a demon on the internet. Movie description: Three friends buy a ghost-in-a-box... Okay fellas, which is it? Demon or ghost? You can't even agree and your movie hasn't even started yet. Tsk, tsk. And the image on the poster? You'll never see her anywhere in the movie. Oh, and I know the 'trick' of putting a name in your movie just to have them actually on screen for five minutes or less so when it says it 'stars' Dean Cain it means Dean Cain had a couple hours to blow so...

Let's do this... I have a made-for-TV movie after lunch...

He gets to start it off by frantically trying to sell a box that is torturing his daughter (it's implied it kills her). As soon as he does he yells 'it's done' after which he's tossed around a bit then left alone....

You guys try it first, okay?

In the meanwhile we have three duh college students who have been together since... at least the beginning of this movie. For some unknown reason one is on QuixBid (their version of eBay I guess) and is wanting to bid on the box promising a ghost that will give them wishes (massive duh but better than trying to sell body parts I guess). He is unreasonably eager for this box, even after someone else has outbid him. Borrowing money from both his friends (so all three will 'own' her) he wins the bid. Sigh.

'Pretty Irish lass' my ass...

You probably know just how it goes from here - the douche of a friend lets his other two friends make wishes first 'to see what happens'. Really nice guy - sacrifice your friends first. Soon after their small wishes are granted, an unseen force knocks them all around and trashes both their rooms. See this isn't Casper people, this is the ghost of Katie Malone, an Irish girl in the 1700's who came to America thinking she was getting a new life and instead being sold to bad owner and then to worse owners. The last one beat her constantly and eventually she froze to death tied up in his barn. His daughter, who had been kind to her, somehow made a 'spirit box' to put her in and there is a little pamphlet describing everything for the idiot who opens the box (convenient). Apparently she's been torturing and killing people for generations and the only way to get rid of her is to sell her.

Oh yeah, this is sooo real...

The douche friend, after several people who offend or do something to the three of them die, decides to 'free' her - but that makes it worse because she wants a family. Huh? What the hell does that... you know what, never mind. We have one of the worst CGI effects I've ever seen (conveniently made in a dark tunnel so you couldn't see detail even if there was any) and in the only interesting move of the whole miserable experience, they break the fourth wall to 'splat' the victim against the camera lens. Pass the Kleenex...

Hey I was gonna eat that tomato...

Finally the douche friend is contacted by the original bidder of the box who says he has to sell it to her in order for it to stop and she can put it where no one will ever open it again. Uh huh. So they go on QuixBid and do the deal... whoops. They're waiting but you can clearly read 'Paid' on the screen. The next shot however, it has changed to 'Not Paid'... oh well, I'm surprised they remembered their names...

 Finally he ships it off to her and she hides it in her room - not very well because here comes... Dean Cain, in the rest of his five minute stint. See he's her father too - her sister was killed. He sees the box and they argue over it, inexplicably tussling over it when it falls and opens... end of movie. Good.

Movies That Should Have Been Great But Get Mucked Up

Airborne (2012) UK

This movie I suspected to be another Zombies On A Plane type of thing but they tried something totally different. Now I'm sure the writers probably had their ducks in a row, but when it came to making this thing - nuh uh. They took a fairly decent idea and mucked it up with too much philosophizing, good ole' fashion racism, horrifically overused cliche's, unnecessary violence and a really, REALLY dumb premise (probably good on paper, massive duh on screen).

OMG Mark Hamill!

We start with an older man, Malcom who's starting his last day before retirement (he's just too damn old for this shit) who just has one more flight to oversee from the tower and OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S MARK HAMILL WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM???? Okay, to be honest, I was initially shocked by the sight of 61 year old Mark playing this old fart role but hey, he's 61 and he looks pretty damn good actually. I just haven't seen him in an actual movie (he does a ton of voice-over work) since... I think Body Bags in 1993 so this was a bit startling. We've all seen Harrison Ford age, know exactly what he looks like, but since Mark has been used (and heavily) by cartoon, anime and video game voice work he's not been seen much. 

Just a bit of trivia (at least I didn't know) - we all know Harrison Ford got his job doing American Graffiti because he was building cabinets at George Lucas' house, and while remodeling George's office he got the role of Han Solo but how did Mark get Luke Skywalker? Well, he got his start with TV roles and yes, cartoon voice work when a friend of his, who was trying for a role in Apocalypse Now (didn't get it) saw the casting for Star Wars happening, knew Mark would be perfect as Luke and called him, telling him to try for it. That friend? None other than Robert Englund. Cool! And Metalocaplypse would not be the same without him - or Robot Chicken, or...

Anyway, our retiring Malcolm is giving a voice-over (hmm) speech about why bad things happen to good people, stuff happens we can't control, blah blah blah. He tells us that this particular flight, going from an unspecified UK airport to New York had a lot of good people and a lot of bad things. No Malcolm, no it didn't. There were a lot of bad people and ONE bad thing... oh well.

The premise is that the UK has been hit by the nastiest storm systems it's experienced in years. We see footage of cars swept in flood waters, houses buried, the usual destruction type stuff. Yet in spite of this, instead of cancelling all flights, this airport is letting just this one out. Now we get instant intrigue when one flight attendant, who really wanted to be on the flight, was told she couldn't because they were running a bare crew, having less than a half full plane. She knows they were one short but apparently one showed up from nowhere with no papers, claims he's new and they just let him on (he's Eastern looking - KILL HIM!). Uh huh. We immediately have conflict because they only have one section of the plane open, which pisses off those with first class tickets... see, not so nice people as this guy and his two enforcers practically spit in the faces of all of the crew who try to calm them down. The rest are your usual cross section of people, you could pick their stereotypes out of any other flight film. Another intrigue is the most careful loading of a box that's strapped down tight and the whole reason they're letting this flight out at all. The one wanting it to get to New York quickly is very nervous about it, and keeps looking at papers with a picture of what's in the box - a vase - and some strange symbols. Okay.

Soon one inebriated passenger who'd been annoyed by an overweight and irritating passenger who had to be right next to him even though there were lots of empty seats notices he's disappeared. He complains loudly and a little too wildly - one of the 'enforcers' punches him out and he wakes up strapped to his seat. The passenger is still missing - and now so is a young couple. A man stands up and then tells the flight attendant that the plane is turning - he's taken this route tons of times and the plane isn't supposed to turn. She dismisses this by saying that the captain's intercom was out so he couldn't tell them he's avoiding the storm. But back in the tower, Malcolm is frantically trying to get a hold of this flight because they're supposed to inform them of any route changes and they haven't. No amount of trying gets any response. Suddenly a group of people infiltrate the tower, they are like English CIA or something - they immediately 'take charge' and everybody in the tower is now basically their prisoners. Nice. They have no idea why and these guys aren't going to tell them.

...and this is a plane...

Oh, it's a really dumb explanation - probably looked good in a book but... the vase supposedly contains the 'spirit' of Yey-Wang-Yeh or Lord Of Death who is supposed to be an evil God somehow trapped. It's worth bazillions. What no one on the plane yet knows is that the LOD has been influencing them - you can tell by the fancy special effects. That was sarcastic - what it actually showed is the box and what looks like heat waves coming off it. That's it. We then find out one of the enforcers and a flight attendant knew about the vase and planned to hijack the plane, taking it to South America and selling the vase (and whatever passengers managed to live). They've already killed the cockpit crew and changed course. They show that, then less than two minutes later show the flight attendant pretend to ask the tower for help, saying the radio is cutting out. One problem: There are now no bodies, no blood, a perfectly clean cockpit. Whoops. Malcolm believes her but the English Nazis or whatever the hell they are don't - they demand that the US engage the Firelight Protocol. Near as I can tell, this is a command for the Air Force to send fighters to shoot down the plane. They do and just as they get a bead on it, aw shucks, they're now in South America's airspace. Not over land mind you, but in their space. The US says no way even though the English demand it. Pffft. England demanding the US to shoot down a passenger plane...

'It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my
T-16 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters.' 

Meanwhile the body count on the plane is rising, as a military man on leave discovers creeping around the storage area. And someone brings the box up to the passenger area. And there are the 'waves' again and we see that they are 'possessing' people now... one man literally smashes his head in trying to open the box with it (his head I mean) and another, at its command I guess opens the door and jumps out (nothing flies out or sucks out - the hubby says by now they were flying too low but I dunno)... we now also see whoever is momentarily possessed by it gets these glowing blue eyes... aww it's just getting worse by the second and it could have been so good too. Mark Hamill is very good as a worn out controller just trying to save the people on this doomed plane but the rest.... meh.

It comes down to a few passengers left who must decide that yes, they are going to have to die to stop whatever is happening on this plane, before it is allowed to land. That means crashing into the ocean. They are all but stopped but (Did I mention this movie had incredible coincidences too?) one flight attendant is left who comes from an aviation-crazy family and who just happens to know how to knock out the engines by crossing a few wires....

Did I say my head made a good can opener?

As the currently possessed person (with radio headset on) in the cockpit realizes the plane is going to hit the water and there's nothing to be done, it screeches horribly - causing all in the tower to rip off their headphones. The English Nazis then inform all in the room they are now coming with them (they're not going to see daylight again, bet you) and all stand, including Malcolm, who reveals that his already blue eyes are now a bright glowing blue. The movie ends with him repeating, 'Sometimes bad things happen to good people.'

This could have been so good if they had stayed away from the obvious, the stupid and the racism (The Eastern looking guy who was new and had no papers? For one thing he was Spanish, another he was totally innocent of anything except forgetting his damn papers) but moviemakers just have to muck things up to make it what they think will sell.