MOVIES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT BUT GET MUCKED UP

Two:Thirteen aka 2wo:Thirteen aka 2:13 (2009)

Try to ignore the title, I did when I decided to watch this movie 'cause I HATE cutsie number titles. And this one had three versions - ugh. Plus it is listed as a horror/thriller when at most it is a psychological thriller - not much 'horror' to it at all and certainly not weird or sick enough (at least for the horror movie fan) to be classified that way. Google seems to agree with me. 

The star of the movie Mark Thompson, who was also the writer, almost had himself a good one here - while skipping a lot of the typical I'm-the-only-guy-in-the-movie-with-brains egotism, he also apparently wrote himself into a corner because approximately midway or so into the movie it starts to fall apart. It almost feels like Thompson knew he had to start spackling things on to get it to stick and it still crumbles. And he makes a BIIIIG error in the end but we'll get to that.

Since he's writing his own character, he gets to be the troubled criminal profiler with a nasty past himself. Coming fresh out of a forced leave, he is immediately confronted with trying to figure out the game of a serial killer. Umm, no. I don't care how good of a profiler you are or anything else - anyone coming 'fresh' off of psychiatric leave is not going to be given ANY assignment - maybe some desk work, maybe research but shoved right back into the field where a serial killer is running rampant? In Thompson's world, yes. 

To his credit though he's not the only sharp knife in the drawer - the other cops (including his partner Jere Burns are not movie stupid and each seems to hold his own at a crime scene, not having to have the inevitable 'Put some gloves on for God's sakes!' screeched at them like other movies where it's one guy who knows his stuff and a bunch of guys in uniform who apparently just graduated from the Police Academy. The movie, not the place.

Oh yeah, here's a picture of Dwight Yoakam as Sandy, a small character part in the movie. Sorry, don't know him and didn't really notice his importance in the story but hey, here ya go.

Spivey's (Mark Thompson) problem: When he was a little boy, his dad was out drunk driving with his mom and they crashed. In Thompson's world, the hospital's way of trying to make his now-deformed mom feel better about herself was to create a mask for her to wear. Oh yeah, I've seen tons of those around (heavy sarcasm abounds) as that was a common medical practice - in no place or time ever.

His mother, who kept the damn thing on 'cause of the scars (I'd prefer the scars thank you) decided that having a drunk husband and a wimp of a boy who can't look at his mom without flinching (no comment) plus not being able to be the prettiest woman on the block is all too much and hangs herself on a ceiling fan. Thompson forgets to write in a way for her to climb up to the fan so we see a woman hanging with no way of getting herself up there. Whoops.

So now we have a serial killer who's putting masks eerily similar to the one Spivey's mother had. That was waaaaay too convenient. The victims all seem random and the clues don't seem to go anywhere. Worse still, the husband of one of the victims whose body wasn't found (Mark Pellegrino) is convinced that somewhere out there his wife is still alive and to prove it, he's been getting emails from her from... somewhere. They work on tracing it to no avail.

Spivey is working hard but still is required in order to stay on the job to see his shrink (a puzzling appearance by Kevin Pollak) who works hard to unravel the big knot that Thompson has written his character into but it's Thompson's game so he gains very little ground.

And people keep dying. Spivey, against his best judgement picks up a previous relationship with his superior, Amanda Richardson (Teri Polo). She almost was a victim of a killer herself which just about killed him but he managed to save her and she genuinely seems to love him.

To Spivey's dismay, this serial killer seems to be performing for his sole benefit and he has no idea why. From the creepy masks, to the seemingly random (but not) victims, and now we get poetry. It's getting complicated. Waaaaay too complicated. This is about the point where you realize that Thompson has a basic thriller going here but he starts packing crap into it like a fat lady packs as much ice cream into a bowl as it can take without breaking (and before you get indignant, the fat lady is me).

We get flashbacks of his awful past, weird flashes of the serial killer and HIS twisted past (apparently no one in this movie had a normal childhood) and little details that Thompson seems to add just to get the movie to keep moving towards a neato conclusion that doesn't quite happen. In fact, just as when you put too much ice cream in a bowl - the bowl's gonna break or the ice cream's gonna melt before you can eat it. In other words, disaster.

And, in the end, it just doesn't work. We're supposed to believe (and this is the ending folks so if you want to see this - stop reading now) that waaaaaay back when Spivey's mom got her mask, the orderly (who was a young man when Spivey was approx. 10-12 years old) who made the mask came from a household where he was tortured by his mom after witnessing her kill his dad, cut him up and bury him in the basement. And she wanders, covered in blood into the streets where the police pick her up - but not before stringing her son up in some complicated Saw-like contraption from the ceiling of the basement, which is where the cops find him when searching the house. Ummm nope, sorry - that's just dumb.

It gets worse. The kid gets adopted and disappears into the system and boom, makes masks at a hospital? The young Spivey doesn't like the mask and rips it off his mom's face which enrages the... uh, guy. Who Spivey apparently forgets completely or he'd have realized the killer was right in front of him for the whole movie - the young husband still hopeful of finding his wife, the still-missing victim of the serial killer. Uh, what? Okay time to call BS on the whole movie and it's a shame 'cause it started well...

So to break it down: When Spivey, who's a grizzled, 50+ chain smoking hard drinking already spanked once cop was a little boy his mom got disfigured and in the hospital was given a mask - by a MAN who made it as he once made masks as a kid to 'hide' himself from his mom and dad fighting before she chopped his dad up. The serial killer, always impotent (it's not my fault to bring this up now, the movie just starts throwing little tidbits at you like it's trying to tie everything together at the last second - which it is) finds out his wife (why would she marry... never mind) is pregnant by another man and goes even more postal than he was.

Long story short (way WAY too late) this MAN who made the mask has been the 40+ husband bugging Spivey through the movie. Whaaaaa? The MAN is in his 40's but Spivey who was at most a pubescent boy is in his 50's? Yeah, that's about when I just said screw it, just finish this damn thing. How? Oh, the guy somehow gets in Spivey's girlfriend's apartment, injects her with a poison that works precisely at 2:13. And she dies. And he knows it. The end.

Doesn't make sense? It should have. But when you write a movie you should never star in it - 'cause like this guy he totally lost track it seems of what he wanted the movie to be and just started making crap up on the spot. And another movie with a number title bites the dust.

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WE KIDS WERE SO MUCH SMARTER BACK THEN NEENER NEENER




The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (1976) French/Canadian

I'm not saying how old I am but I do know I was smart enough to know when to come out of the rain. Okay, so I liked playing in the rain. But you wouldn't catch me swimming in a thunderstorm. Oh, wait. Well I certainly was smart enough NOT to try anything I saw in a cartoon. HA! Laird Koenig wrote both the novel and the film.


This oldie but a goodie movie is about 13-year-old Rynn, played by a 13-year-old Jodie Foster (she always was cute as a button even today - I hate her! Nah, I'm just jealous.) who copes with living alone smarter than most adults. Ryan lives alone in Long Island, NY and must contend with nosy adults while she tries to live quietly, waiting for that magic age of 18 when people will leave her the hell alone. Not going to happen kid. Not now, not later.

It starts on Halloween which also happens to be her birthday. She is making herself a cake when who should appear but Frank, son of her landlady (Martin Sheen). This was a side of him I hadn't seen and it wasn't pretty - he's a mama's boy who's also a slobbering child molester who his mother married off in hopes of curbing his perversity. In spite of having two children of his own, he still lusts after others. And he's got his sights on Ryan. Letting himself into her house he makes his intent pretty clear without being too touchy feely. Somehow that makes him even creepier. And taught me a new word for today: hebephile. 

I had to look that one up - it's someone who prefers a certain age, not necessarily children, but adolescents from the age of approximately 11-14. It is specified that this is NOT a pedophile. Could have fooled me. Great, one more species of psycho bastard out there.

Getting rid of him doesn't end her problems. His mother Cora seems to think that a lease means nothing, that even though they paid for the house, she should be able to cruise through anytime she wants. Sheesh. Actually I've had landlords like that. Anyway, Cora keeps insisting on seeing Rynn's father but it's no go. She also wants to go down to the celler but Rynn is having none of that either. Suspicious but blocked Cora leaves, threatening to come back. She also threatens Rynn with not going to school, stating she's on the school board and will tattle on her, which Rynn quickly finds out is a lie. She's not falling for it.

Meanwhile creepy Frank is keeping his own eyes on her but for even a more sinister reason. I don't get creeped out easily but he did a little TOO good of a job being this, uh, hebephile. He tries to get her in his car but a passing cop cools him off quick. The officer is nice though and drives her home - even being a bit more gracious than the others when he also cannot see her father.

But the witch Cora soon returns in the guise of getting some jelly glasses (no I've never canned so I don't know why she didn't have them in her own house) but since Rynn didn't know the seals weren't with them, Cora insists on going into the cellar. She sees something... horrible (this is the 70's we don't get to see what) and slipping, knocks the cellar door closed on her head and dies. Ahhh.

Rynn tries to get rid of her car but can't drive (She can deal with banks and lawyers and living alone but can't start a car?) and so is helped by a passing teenager (they were actually helpful then) who is a victim of polio but so nice to Rynn in helping her get rid of the car she invites him to dinner. When the friendly police officer comes by to see her dad, Mario (the teenager) lies for her, stating the father had already gone to bed. So now they're friends for life and partners in crime - he just doesn't know that yet.

Rynn and Mario have an adolescent romance (She's 13 for crying out loud - was them jumping into bed really necessary for the story? At least they used her older - hopefully over 18 - sister for a body double) and despite Frank's desperate attempts to get at her, things are good for a while. Then Mario stumbles across WHAT'S IN THE CELLAR. We still don't get to see.

Frank shows up and barging his way through again, takes Rynn's hamster and tortures it to death (not pretty) to get Rynn to answer him about what happened to his mother and her father. The answer - which she had told Mario - is that her father had become ill and had arranged for her to have a place to live after he died. Apparently her mother, who had disappeared long ago was abusive and so when she returned to take over, Rynn was prepared - she had served her mother tea laced with cyanide - the almond taste covered by the almond cookies she served her.

While she tells Frank that her father and his mother are dead she doesn't say how - and he takes full advantage, informing her that they were going to be together for a long time (or at least until she comes of age, since he only likes adolescent girls). Rynn appears to be resigned to her fate and offers him tea and cookies... the only duh in the movie and a rather convenient ending, as we watch Frank begin to cough while Rynn calmly watches him die...

Now for the nasty part. MY nasty part. This movie had more continuity problems than Evil Dead and Zombie Ass put together. Who was in charge of continuity anyway? It doesn't take a particularly sharp eye to see that clothes, props, even furniture changes from scene to scene. In fact, writing them down got tiresome - if you're curious, see for yourself. It's not hard - in fact it got in the way of the story 'cause I have a critical eye anyway and this was just ridiculous.

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MOVIES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT BUT GET MUCKED UP

Shelter aka 6 Souls (2010)

There are movies I'll watch no matter how bleah they look just because of who's in them. The opposite also is true. I'm not saying anything bad about Julianne Moore, it's just that I see her and I just think... well... bleah. And so even though the premise of this movie was almost interesting I really didn't want to give it a shot. But I have seen Jonathan Rhys Meyers in a couple of things and liked it so... It was good - almost. And the 'almost' part wasn't even her fault.

Our basic premise is a psychiatrist who debunks those claiming multiple personalities or other mental disorders in order to escape the scales of justice. In short, she calls BS on killers who 'hear voices' or think they were other people when they killed. Her latest 'interview' ended in her determining the convicted murderer to be sane and so he is executed. So far this is my kind of movie.

On her off-time she spends time with her daughter who is mostly looked after by her brother after the brutal murder of her husband. Her father, also a psychiatrist who is more open to the prospect of split personalities or 'borderline personalities' as they're now popularly referred to kind of tricks her into interviewing a new patient that he doesn't really tell her much about. And that's the problem with this movie. 

Those who should know better don't, those who don't think they do, and a whole lot of DUH gets pushed into this movie to make it into some kind of paranormal mess instead of a psychological thriller. The mess is really REALLY stupid - if they'd stuck to the 'are they nuts or faking it' type of premise it might have been interesting. But instead Julianne Moore is once again stuck in a vehicle where she's the perpetual victim always three steps behind the plot and a loser at every turn.

The patient, who refers to himself as David Bernburg, is a paraplegic. After a short interview with him while her father watches in a two-way mirror (Do people think patients are fooled by those things?) he seems to be... average. Played very well by Jonathan Rhys Meyers, he is the only halfway decent part of this movie but unfortunately you can be the best actor in the world but if the script is a total duh...

After she interviews him she argues with her father that he's nothing special after which her father 'calls' the patient on a phone set on the table (Uh, what?). David answers and her father asks for 'Adam'. David arches his head back with a sickening crunch and when he straightens his head, he answers as Adam - who is colorblind (David wasn't) AND he can walk. 

With a told-you-so attitude her father gives her all the patient's files to see if she can find out the 'secret'. DUH. But at this point the movie still wants you to ponder whether it's mental illness or not, instead of possession 'cause that would be just stupid, right? Right? Sorry, but it was at that point that I fully expected his head to spin around - or spew lots of pea soup.

But since this movie is a dragging 112 minutes long we get a lot of useless sleuthing action where Cara (Julianne Moore) tries to show she is really, really smart. YAWN. No no, she IS smart. YAWN. But they try to puzzle you by showing that others who have had contact with this guy are getting weird boils all over their back - leading up to coughing up dirt and, duh, death. GET A CLUE CARA OK? 

This goes on and on as she eventually finds that David has even more personalities than I have patience for. Why? 'Cause as Cara finds out, his different personalities are from people who are dead - some when he was a kid. And he's getting more of them. Oh, great doctoring skills guys. You're treating him and he's gone from two to six in (checks watch) ah geez this movie has over an hour to go? <sigh>

Oh and conveniently, one of them is now her late husband. Great.

Okay I'm going to give you guys the luxury I didn't have and skip ahead... the personalities are dead 'cause he killed them. Wait you say, some died when he was a kid. Nope. David himself is dead. He is being used as one of the personalities by...

Here's the paranormal garbage that mucked this story up. Conveniently she finds an old codger whose father filmed everything he saw. YAWN. Sorry. This was at the beginning of the 19th century I guess since there are both doctors and moving pictures. And religious nuts. Oh wait, they've been around a lot longer...

Soooo... in this backward community there is a Bible thumper who thinks he's a direct line to God and he (since none of these guys do anything with the Bible except shake it at people) tells them that to inoculate their children against common diseases is an affront to God and a lack of faith (wait, that sounds like a religion I've heard of.... uh, never mind). So his followers don't and the children die like... well, there's not that many of them yet so they die by the, uh, tens?

But this psycho's own children are perfectly healthy. 'Hmm', say the stupid followers, how come? Somehow they find out that when he's not hitting his Bible, their fearless leader is taking his kids to doctors and geez, they're gonna live for a long time... whoops, no they're not, 'cause the outraged people kill them. Sorry. 

As for the jerk who didn't practice what he preached - they drug him to the typical mountain healer woman (I say typical 'cause isn't there always some strange witchy woman living on a mountain who's a healer?) who sucks out his 'soul' and puts it in a jar, then stuffs his mouth with dirt so it can't go back in. Ooookay. That doesn't explain the boils on the back of the afflicted but they DO throw up dirt before dying... I guess.

Cara gets a frantic phone call - they've finally figured out that David is not David - he's actually the Bible thumper who somehow got out of his jar (Hey I get it - he's a genie!) and has been sucking the life out of people to... I dunno... why would he do that exactly? I mean yeah first he's got to get a body but after that... and isn't it awful convenient that one of the people he murdered just happened to be her husband? Out of billions of possible choices?

All I know is this movie is beginning to suck the life out of me. So let's end this, shall we? Cara's father dies, her brother dies, and she catches David/not David who is actually Adam the duh preacher sucking the life out of her daughter. So she does the only logical thing (sarcasm heavy at this point) - she kills Adam as he becomes her daughter. The end.

Whoops, not quite... all of a sudden the sucked out daughter springs back to life and a happy reunion is had by all... uh, by two. Until her daughter starts humming one of the 'soul's' music pieces that he wrote I guess showing that she is now Legion (dum dum DUM!!! Or DUMB!!!). The end.

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DON'T 'POO POO' THE POO POO

THE ULTIMATE DATE NIGHT MOVIE TO SHARE WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE (WARNING: SCATALOGICAL AND OTHER BODILY FUNCTION REFERENCES FOLLOW AND MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME.. YOU WIMPS)





ゾンビアス Zonbi Asu aka Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead (2011)

I'm not ashamed to say I waited almost a year to get this movie, from the time I first heard about it until it finally arrived thanks to Amazon's amazing selection of the seemingly unobtainable. I had first ordered it from my (very reliable) local comic book source, but after almost six months of waiting, they informed me that sorry, they would NOT be acquiring any copies of said movie and cancelled my order. I then turned to Amazon and pre-ordered the movie which said would not ship until summer (this was about the beginning of the year) and waited hopefully, almost afraid my order would be cancelled again. Oh boy oh joy it arrived just as promised!

And my husband promised me to watch it with him so I told him he was half responsible for this review. He reluctantly agreed, but provided some of the best lines and funnies during the movie while I was busy finding all the continuity errors (of which there were plenty) and when they changed from models to CGI in scenes (of which there were also plenty). We've been married 30 years, which is just about the right amount of time to use this as a date movie. If you're trying to impress some young thing by dinner and a movie and you both want zombies - go see World War Z you amateurs.

I didn't count on it being so hard to write a review for the movie though - I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed to report how weird and funny it was to watch a movie about lots of poop, butt worms and zombies or if I thought I wouldn't be able to do the movie justice. Then I thought screw it - so here it goes:

Okay let's start with the basic premise of the story. I think the director of the film, Noboru Iguchi just said "I want zombies. I want gross bodily functions. I want Japanese school girls in uniform. I want lots and LOTS of excrement. Now make me a movie!" So we have five young people (one in uniform so you know right away she's going to be the ass kicker) on an undefined road trip to catch fish. Why? The prettiest (they say) of the group wants to find a parasite from a fish to swallow so she can be extra skinny. Yeah, people still do that. Why these five are together or even speaking to each other is not explained and not important so shut up. And I SWEAR that the one in the yellow t-shirt was in the 'Gangnam Style' video...

Now I'm going to state right away it was the hubby's job to find the funny, me to criticize the film - my job was extremely easy. Continuity errors? There WAS no continuity. Or logic or sense or anatomical accuracy but we'll get to that. His job? Coming up with good lines or puns to fit the action, which he did very well. See this movie was kind of like Evil Dead. 

Oh not in locale or plot or action or... what I mean is that when you go to the extreme with... things you can't control (with Evil Dead it was blood and guts, with this movie it's poop) there's not going to be continuity between one scene to another 'cause how are you going to keep a stain looking the same from one day to the next? Not gonna happen and they don't even try.

One guy starts the duh factor off right away with a scene where he starts to make out with the pretty girl. He's wearing a tank top and a shirt. The shirt comes off - next scene it's on - next scene it's off... you get the idea.

They get a fish, cut it open and the buxom idiot of the group swallows the large parasite whole. Oh c'mon people it's not real and if you can't take it, stop now 'cause it's going to get oh so much worse. Almost at once she starts to get cramps. And she's gotta fart. But that ain't happening.

See, Japanese women think (at least that's what they try to convince the world) that bodily functions are not ladylike and it would be better to die than to do something... unseemly. Oh, it's okay to have little girls wear skirts that constantly show their underwear, as long as nothing comes out.  

In ABC's Of Death F must have stood for What The F***?

In the movie The ABC's Of Death, the letter F was, of course, for Fart. The dainty Japanese girl mused that there must not be a God because if there was, a girl would not need to fart and it wouldn't stink. Well, this worm eating girl's not going to be so lucky. The farts start, she vainly attempts to hold them in while they search for an outhouse which is conveniently nearby. I'll tell you right now honey, when you've got the walking farts, you can grab your butt as hard as you wanna but they're gonna come out. Just sayin'.

Anywho, the girl finds the, uh, outhouse and does the squat. Don't worry, for all her protesting and all the noise, nothing, uh, nasty is seen - unless you count the zombie that comes rising slowly out of the - sewage and grabs the girl on the butt. A lot. I mean they really milked this scene. He's grabbing, the... stuff is smearing all over this dainty girl's butt and underwear and finally he and his buddies start to rise out of the squat hole.

The girl runs to the others for help - with not a speck of excrement on her and her underwear pulled up and clean. Uh huh. C'mon, uneven splatter is expected - no splatter is just insulting. The zombies follow and begin TO THROW EXCREMENT LIKE MONKEYS. My hubby noticed that the 'lead' zombie actually had a jacket with pockets he was scooping crap out of and tossing at them. How handy.

The precise beginning of these zombies is not clear - the parasite that takes their bodies and minds over is either a mutation or alien - they leave that conveniently unsolved. See the whole thing started because this doctor has a daughter with cancer and the parasites and him have an agreement (?!?) that if his daughter carries one it will kill the cancer and let her live. But she has to swallow one each day and crap one out each day. Sorry, there's no better way to say that. 

Where does he get 'em? From a chained zombie (who was inexplicably wearing glasses) he repeatedly hits in the stomach with a baseball bat. Woof. She swallows, he gives her the King of enemas and the 'old' parasite is expelled. My butt hurt just watching that.

We now have the beginning of the battle between wormy zombies and the young people. These people were stupid enough to eat a meal the doctor gave them of noodles (I am NEVER eating Ramen again!) and so now all have the wrigglies in their tummies - which means all are beginning the farts.

Our uniform clad schoolgirl has a flashback - her younger sister, when cornered by bullies was forced to fart to 'save' her older sister the embarrassment of performing such a vile act - after which she promptly killed herself (they do that a lot in Eastern movies - not a great statement for the youth of Asia). So our main girl, named Megumi, took martial arts to become strong. Umm, I'm no karate or other kind of fight expert, but sphincter control is NOT a part of special fighting techniques. Unless I'm wrong. I'm not. How strong she can be when she weighs about 80 pounds (when standing naked my hubby commented she had the butt of a 60 year old man) and has no weapons of any kind...

So he's watching the funny, I'm watching their clothes. They have two outfits which they seem to switch from scene to scene - the impeccably clean ones and the filthy, bloody, poopy ones. And then the worms start coming out their... ah heck, it's not their mouths, okay? And anatomical correctness goes out the window because the sphincters are anywhere from the base of their spines to between their legs depending on the scene.

Gotta have a 'Thriller' zombie dance too, right? Well, not quite. See, the 'worms' develop brains and eyes so the hosts... it's kind of a backward crab walk as they 'chase' the others. Hell, you could WALK very slowly away from these guys and still get away. So the worms get desperate and start growing fast - and by that I mean anywhere from 20 to 100 feet long. Okay, we're not even going to try to be serious, got it. 

I DID warn you...

The pretty girl explodes into the 'queen' worm who inexplicably gets wings and grabs the doctor's little girl who has two swords 'cause in reality she's not a sweet little cancer victim, she's a mean mother of a little kid who needs to die NOW. 

The fight was a pretty impressive display of the combination of special effects models and CGI effects and, although it was obvious when they switched from one to the other still made for interesting scenes. We'll overlook the fact that the 'worm' was supposed to be coming out of their throat out the mouth but the end was clearly visible between their teeth.

After the others die and Megumi is left, her worm, uh, comes out but she somehow still has control. After the queen takes her up into the sky and drops her to her death, she decides to choose dishonor instead of death and the SUPERFART begins. With a yellow trail through the sky she flies to fight the queen. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

I will mention at this point that the hubby was trying to be Joe Bob Briggs and making all the fighting a type of 'Fu' - there was Butt Fu (they simply sat on the zombie heads and squashed them), Sneaker Fu, Shotgun Fu (a double barreled shotgun with magical unlimited shooting capability), Long Stick Fu, Nail Gun Fu, and, of course, Parasite Fu. Many, many apologies Joe Bob.

Okay the fight in the sky: Unknown to the queen, Megumi had stolen the mega enema from the doctor and when she had the chance she, uh, shoves it home. The queen explodes and the young girl falls to be impaled on a tree branch. Kind of a grisly end for a little kid.

That's GOTTA be the guy from Gangnam Style...

Megumi decides that despite her dishonor, for the sake of her younger sister she will choose to live - she drinks up the rest of the anti-parasitic medicine the doctor kept on hand for the enemas and a lovely ending is had by all. Okay, there's no happy ending here 'cause that freaking thing is still in her and she's gotta get it out somehow... I don't wanna know how it ends to tell you the truth.

The hubby's favorite lines:

"I'm going to get parasitic on your ass."
"Like a woman, I'll never forgive you."

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THE ULTIMATE DATE NIGHT MOVIE TO SHARE WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE .... OR IS IT???

ゾンビアス Zonbi Asu aka Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead (2011)

BUT FIRST: AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF JAPANESE/AMERICAN MOVIE TRAILERS

HA! GOT YOU! 

Don't worry, the movie's coming, it's just that these were almost as good...

I just had to start with the previews that came with my DVD - if the US did trailers like these I might go to the theater more often...

1. Japanese cowgirl/Yakuza Hunter Asami is at it (again?) in Yakuza Hunter: Duel In Hell. As for gore in just the preview alone we get a chainsaw to the groin (ouch!), a head caved by a bullet, a hand blown clean off, and many, many beatings. It's been three years. After beaten up to death, she made a come back. (Those are their words, not mine so don't whine) By Spaghetthi Western Bastard (again, shut up! I know!) Director/Writer/Editor Shinichi Okuda

2. The girl turns her dress. Precedes through a rain of blood (I'm not going to warn you again!). Eyes burning with flames of revenge. Psycho Gothic Lolita. Earth shattering violent action (mostly consisting of women in petticoats fighting with swords from what they showed, but blood rains nonetheless). Grotesque Japanese art. (I wanna see the frilly umbrella that shoots lead) All brought to you by the same special modeling director who gave such classics as Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl. Beauty, modeling and action!

3. The game has finally become a movie. (Shows a flying girl in a bikini and cowboy hat with two swords fighting through, uh, zombies? Bad guys?) Onechanbara: The Movie. AD 20XX - the zombies are overflowing in the streets. One pretty girl ('cause you wouldn't see an ugly girl in a bikini in a movie, right?) stands up to defeat them. Her destiny is tainted blood. Sexy and violence (say it with a heavy Japanese accent to get it right).

4. To the city of the dead the invincible chick finally returns (up bup bup!). Take double swords and slash all the zombies! Based on the popular game (why not, the US does this all the time) the ultimate sexy battle (is there any other kind?) is coming to the big screen. Chanbara Beauty Vortex: The Movie (they seem to like colons in their titles a lot).

5. This is most danger movie (I saw you smirking back there! Get out!). To avoid fainting, keep repeating, it's only a movie.. only a movie (actually this gimmick has been used several times in the past by bad horror movies in the US). They will come they will come they will come they will come they will come they will come they will come. THEY COME IN THE TOILET. Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead (yes, it's for this movie, now hush). This is Japanese zombie. They are living in the toilet. They pervert! They are dangerous! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! (Listed among the stars of the movie is my personal favorite: Shit Zombie, as Demo Tanaka. Isn't that backwards?) DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE! (Their words)

And now our two movies actually taking place in the US:

6. (No we're not done yet, you got something better to do?) An American states her dream was to work on Wall St. but all men are bastards and she's attacked so... not pretty enough for a bikini and cowboy hat I guess she wears the mask of a ninja and goes after the bastards - which is pretty much anyone who's male in this movie I guess. Shinobi Girl. She takes their lives since they took her soul - hmm, good trade.

7. It wouldn't be a complete crap offering if we didn't have our Paranormal story so... In 2003 a group of paranormal investigators entered the infamous Fisher House - and were never seen again. We have our skeptics, our believers and one woman who wants to marry a dead guy. WTH? Wait you goons - this has a Japanese girl in it. Sheesh. Tsukiko is a girl whose mother was raped by a demon and so hovers between two worlds - but to keep her human side she must FEED THE BEAST. Whatever the hell that means, guess you'll have to find the movie. Hmm? Oh, the name -  Flesh For The Beast: Tsukiko's Curse. Duh.

Woof, that was longer than some of my reviews but hey, if you even find ONE of those movies and know where I can watch them, let me know.  DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

 - And shame on all of you that thought I wasn't talking about a real movie. They've got some twisted minds there in Japan. I like it.

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A SHORT PRAYER TO NETFLIX LONG MAY THEY LIVE






Oh Bless Me Netflix For I Have Sinned



I have strayed from the path and dallied with other movie streaming services.

I have watched non-rated movies that truly sucketh even though I knew non-rated movies MEANS they did not make it to theaters and therefore must sucketh.

I have blamed you for having horrible movies when the truth was in front of me - you have good, halfway good and sort of good movies that match or overcome the horrible - not so with other services.

Oh Netflix, you have different movies from time to time, even popular ones that I can watch WITH CLOSE CAPTIONING HALLELUJAH!

I shall fear no endless series of movies that sucketh for thou art trying to provide decent movies from time to time.

You do not try to taketh more money from us by telling us the good movies can only be seen by DVD that must be obtained from a damned red box.

You do not list movies three or four times to make your lists appear longer when it's the same garbage over and over.

Your streaming is like cool water on a summer's day.

Your customer service is impeccable.

May you stay with us all the days of our movie watching life for yours is the service and the variety and the availability.

Amen.

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