NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! BUT I WON'T...

Skeleton Man (2004) SyFy Original Movie

Oy vey this was a massive stinker - both times! All through the movie I was saying (out loud which is usually why I watch movies alone) 'Geez I know I've seen this before' but I swore I'd seen it on TV and this movie had Michael Rooker and sounded... meh, and I didn't check it out first. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.


Turns out that this is a SyFy stinker of a movie that they added ONE 'F' bomb to and released on a DVD. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Let's make this short (pffft). Supposedly in the Pacific Northwest (also known as Bulgaria apparently) this dude is working on an archeological dig for Iroquois artifacts. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Huh. Iroquois warriors wore gloves. New one on me.

One, he's doing it in the middle of the woods, in a big, comfy home. Two, the Iroquois were nowhere near the Pacific Northwest OR Bulgaria. Three, just down the road is a power plant. Or a chemical plant. Or both. Or a nudie bar. It depends on who you read and talk to I guess. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Then we have Cotton Eyed Joe...

Whoops, sorry - it was Cotton MOUTH Joe. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Iroquois warriors also apparently
wore riding boots and used stirrups...

Cottonmouths (or Water Moccasins, or Pit Vipers, etc.) are found in the lower eastern parts of the United States - nowhere NEAR the Pacific Northwest. And show me ONE RECORD of an ancestral Iroquois warrior named JOE. Can't, can ya? In fact, this movie was originally CALLED Cotton Mouth Joe, but people wouldn't stop laughing so they had to change it.

Geez, he's whiter than I am...

Cotton Mouth Joe is basically a cheap skeleton in a cheaper black cape that was supposed to be riding a black stallion. He's been cursed (according to ONE blind old Indian sitting in the middle of the forest by himself in front of a campfire that isn't even burning for some reason) and now just goes around cutting off heads. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

Is... is he riding sidesaddle here?

An ancient Iroquois warrior with a long black cape? Was that from Spooks-R-Us? The bargain bin? And the 'black stallion' was clearly a brown mare. Several in fact, in colors ranging from dark to red, and the white marks on the horses' faces differ from scene to scene. And I'm not even going to go into all the hatchets he used which he clearly bought from a Bulgarian Home Depot.

After a bunch of soldiers go missing (because the Pacific Northwest has a wormhole that goes straight to Bulgaria), a 'Delta' team is sent in to find out what happened. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

This 'Delta' team included specialists that had skills that would serve them very well in the forest (she said with poisoned sarcasm) - such as the chick who was an underwater demolitions expert. Uh huh.


They get killed off one by one, some by arrow, others by ax, the rest by spear. We get a few comical scenes of actors rolling down hills and very obviously having to push themselves to keep going down the hill. In fact, one scene has Michael Rooker rolling (sort of) down a looong hill. He started with a hat, rolls without a hat, ends up at the bottom with the hat. Hey, a magic hat!


Let's cut this down 'cause despite the sad attempts of Michael Rooker trying his best to save this damned movie, there's just not anything to save. Even the stupidity of the plot and the lack of continuity wasn't good enough to make this even remotely enjoyable. This is where their money went:

1. Michael Rooker
2. Casper Van Dien 
3. A helicopter to pick them up (even though it was clearly a four person helicopter at the most) and a toy to blow up against a grass hill. You heard me.
4. A tanker truck carrying something flammable to jackknife and blow to Kingdom Come (or maybe open the wormhole back to the Pacific Northwest, you never know).
5. Lots of models of the whatever-the-hell-plant-it-was to blow up at the end.

The supposed rescue helicopter blows up because 'Joe' shoots a WOODEN arrow and destroys the back rotor. NOW I COULD GIVE YOU A WHOLE PAGE OF WHAT THE FREAKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT! But I won't.

The cab is sideways, he is on the ground, and then...

One soldier finds a road (with lots of traffic and lights of some town plainly visible not too far from it) and a truck whose driver has gone off to take the piss of death - I guess 'cause he never comes back. The soldier inexplicably steals it and makes it 1/4 mile at most, passing a sign that simply says 'North', sees 'Joe' and jackknifes the truck. The cab breaks away and the rest goes up in a ball of flame and then...

Whoops - too hot, gotta get it out further...

Uh, wait a minute. Back the hell up. Apparently, they only had that stretch of road to do stuff on because as the truck begins its little trick, the 'North' sign is still in the same place, but the truck is now facing the other way. 

Okay, that's better - go back
sideways in the road and lay down, 'kay?

And although they could afford the tanker explosion, they couldn't afford to damage the cab. The cab is at first sideways on the now-deserted road but when the camera cuts away, it is driving AWAY from the flames. The camera cuts away again, and the cab is once more sideways in the road. DUUUUUUUUH!!!!

So Rooker's character supposedly tricks the non-Iriquois Indian from Bulgaria into going into the chemical/power/I-have-no-freaking-idea plant before blowing it up. The end. Not. They show the cheap ripoff from the Scream movies riding his black... brown... red... whatever the hell horse it was... off into the woods for another, uh, skip it.

CURSE YOU, SYFY CHANNEL!!!



                        

GETTING NEW (WELL, THEY'RE NEW TO ME) MOVIES, TRYING TO FIND THE TIME TO WATCH AND REVIEW THEM, WATCHING WILDFIRES NEAR MY TOWN, WATCHING THE NUMBERS OF OUR THERMOMETER GO WAY WAY UP AND THEN DOWN THEN UP, THEN DOWN, AND WATCHING THE IDIOCRACY OF PEOPLE WHO INSIST ON ONE LANGUAGE IN THIS COUNTRY AND THEY CAN'T EVEN SPEAK IT WELL THEMSELVES





Random Ramblings

Okay that's a long title and pretty much sums up my mood, our current events around here, and a personal peeve I have that seems to be getting worse.


If you want to blame my irritability as a combination of fibro and changing weather pressure, yeah, that's a pretty good bet. But we'd also have to blame the fact that I'm known (and not at all popular) as a spelling and grammar Nazi - which is probably why people dropped off my Facebook page like Disney pushed lemmings off a cliff.

THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT, WE SPEAK ENGLISH HERE!

No, no we don't. What we do (or a lot of us do) is mangle a language that I admit is pretty confusing and, even though I still believe that Mandarin Chinese is probably one of the most difficult languages to learn to speak and write, English isn't the easiest.

For those who need reminding, America is the ultimate melting pot. So unless you are 100% Native American (Although I am a degree that is just enough to be registered, I don't even remotely look like one), your family came here from somewhere else. Our sense of patriotism can be impressive but our intolerance of other people who speak other languages is not. "I shouldn't have to choose '1' for English!" That gets repeated A LOT. You know how many times I hear or see that? Way, way too many. 

What happened to us being a free nation for all those who want to live here? And no, I am not going to get into politics and talk about who pays for what. That's not my point. What I am saying is, if you're so incredibly proud of your language that you think everyone should use it and ONLY it, shouldn't you also have the responsibility to be able to read, write, and speak it well?


I am not perfect by any means. I do not have a college education. I graduated from a small town high school with decent enough grades but I was not valedictorian - just another face in another class of average kids. But dammit, what the hell happened to them? I've given up on reading posts from people I know as well as those I don't on my Facebook page because I get a headache cringing when I see how badly they write (which is why they're not on my page anymore). But it's not just the people I used to know. It now seems that the idiocracy has spread.

English seems to be converting into a mangled language to news sources, entertainment sources, even sources that really REALLY should at least have a passing knowledge of the language.

'Weird Al' did a song about it which sums up my feelings perfectly. I've posted it before and I'm doing it again:

Just this morning, in referring to a recent tragedy the whole nation is speaking of, one news source said (in part because really the whole sentence didn't make sense) we lost someone who made us 'bare' with our madness...


Bear. Bear with our madness. Why is that so hard? And no, it's not about doing you-know-what in the woods.
You lose time.
You work a knot loose.
You go to the store.
Your friends go to the store too.
You go to the store with two friends.
You're a good friend.
Your friends are good to you.
Your male friend just got his mail.
It's not nice to point at a dog if its tail is bent.

Okay, the combo of heat, frustration and a heap of movies to review has got me a bit cranky and I can't even keep my eyes open. But please consider this:


Many people who have come to the United States know two or more languages. When Americans go to other countries, they get bent out of shape if they can't find someone who speaks English. And a lot of people for whom English is a second language speak it a lot better than we do. How pitiful is that?



                        

AW C'MON MISS MURDER, YOU ACTUALLY LOOKED FOR FACTS TO DO THIS REVIEW? IT'S A SYFY ORIGINAL MOVIE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WASN'T THERE ENOUGH TO LAUGH AT WITHOUT GETTING ALL TECHNICAL?



Sharknado (2013)

Yes. Yes there was. In fact, that's why I watched the movie in the first place - so many people have been talking about it, especially with the release of Sharknado 2: The Second One... <laughs and gets soda up nose> umm, excuse me a minute...

<Coughing>  Okay, so I missed the last umpteen years of Shark Week so I know practically nothing about them except when they're used in movies they're either huge beyond reality, or <starts coughing again> falling out of the sky. Sharks, although related to fish, are not fish but neither are they mammal. That means they DO NOT BREATHE AIR. They must depend on saltwater passing through their gills to get oxygen - that means they must always be moving. But unfortunately they didn't move fast enough to escape this movie. Oh and contrary to this movie, they would not survive in a chlorinated swimming pool, fresh water, or the sewer either.

Now Sharknado is incredibly easy to make fun of. In fact, it's gained kind of a cult status of people doing just that. It also seems to do something to the mind though. The hubby started watching it with me and after 20 minutes he said 'I'm done.' So the next day I thought I'd finish it. Woof. I have never... then the hubby found out I finished it and said 'I thought we were going to watch it together.' Umm, what? 

Okay. I said, "Let's start from the beginning and watch the whole thing, the ending's the best (because it's the end - pffft)." We sat and watched and after 20 minutes (Where have I heard this before?) he said 'I'm done.' 'No no no no... you have to watch to the end, that's the big payoff.' He groaned and rolled his eyes but watched it to the end. And then said, 'Why did you have me watch this? I NEVER want to see this again. I can't believe...'


So my only conclusion is that Sharknado must cause slight bleeding in the brain that leads to memory loss. He didn't remember not wanting to watch it, then wanted to watch it, then asked why he watched it when it was done. I kept a close eye on him for the rest of the weekend, looking for bleeding from the ears (or clear liquid, that's bad too) or nosebleeds. Other than a zombie-like trance for a day or two, he seems to have recovered.

Hmm? The movie? Oh man, if you haven't seen it... you've missed absolutely nothing. We have TV has-beens (even cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch... ewww) getting together to overact (or not act at all) as a 'freak' hurricane has caused waterspouts, sucking up all different kinds of sharks (some with remoras still attached to 'em) and dumping them on Los Angeles. I don't know how they noticed.

What country are we in now?

There has been much 'discussion' about this film and I don't get it. Yeah, it was absolutely terrible - in plot, special effects and continuity. In fact, I scoured the credits for a Continuity Editor just so I could smear his/her name up to the sky the sharks supposedly fell from - there was none. At least none that would put their name on the credits. 

I understand completely. When there's a movie where it's wet-dry-wet-flooded-dry-wet etc., nobody wants their name on that. One of my favorites was a small one - the 'heroes' are in their car and the sprinkler guys have water hitting the car so heavy the wipers are on as fast as they can go... as dry bits of paper fly around them. <Laughs - keeping coke safely out of reach...>

Okay, for those of you who would rather pass on this incredibly non-scientific piece of celluloid, here's the movie: Fin <Get it?> (Ian Ziering) owns a bar on the coast. We have his friend Baz (Jaason Simmons), a barmaid with a large but stylish scar on her thigh named Nova (Cassie Scerbo), and rounding out the only characters in the bar we're supposed to watch is a very drunk (and very misplaced actor) George (bafflingly played by John Heard).

Now, a hurricane is coming but that doesn't mean anything to the idiots on the beach and in the water. And why should it? One second they show obvious stock footage of waves out of Hawaii, the next it looks like a pond - flat. One second the sun is shining without a cloud in the sky, the next second, clouds and wind. But then BOOM! A shark flies through the window of the bar and the party's over.


Biff.. uh, I mean Fin decides to get his 'family' - ex-wife April (Tara Reid), daughter Claudia (Aubrey Peeples), and son Matt (Chuck Hittinger). When the barmaid Nova meets Fin's ex-wife, out of the blue she sputters, "I am not a stripper." Where did that come from?

Personally, as much as the women bitched, I would have ditched them and just grabbed the boy. Tara Reid does a stellar job of acting (I wish there was a 'sarcasm' font) as she watches her new boyfriend get chomped by a shark and doesn't even blink. One fake scream, then practically a shrug. Must have been too much botox there to actually make a real expression. It was fun watching her hair change constantly though. Must have stopped at every salon they passed.

So we've got family, Baz, Nova and George. That's too many people - somebody's gotta die. George goes first. The shark that ate him probably had to go to rehab afterward. Oh yeah that reminds me - and I'm not the only one to mention this - do NOT make a drinking game out of the movie. You'll be in the hospital (or the morgue) from the first 20 minutes.

The group stops at a liquor store (uh oh) which is really like a 7/11 with hard liquor. Nova and the daughter search the shelves that have just about been wiped clean, where Nova picks up... bandage rolls. Sounds logical. April skulks off to the corner of the store where the sundries are in perfect order without a single product missing and picks up... the same box of bandage rolls. Really?

Fin plays the hero next, so his family can realize that hey, they don't have a man in the house anymore (hell, they don't have a HOUSE anymore), so they need a man. I guess. He saves a bus full of children by rappelling down from a bridge with all the gear that any ex-surfing pro and bar owner keeps in his vehicle, you know, just in case. 

Baz gets to show his incredible strength (not to mention how much weight that truck bumper could handle) by working the rope and pulleys but obviously using no muscle to pull the rope at all. Skip ahead and the kids are rescued - and in an ambulance - all of them. Uh huh. Not there to help, just there for the magic blankets, right?


So. Fin's boy is going to flight school and is the only one of the people hiding inside (where they should have stayed) who doesn't get munched by the magical sharks that not only fall out of the sky, but don't need to breathe water, don't splat on the ground, and are still pissed enough to eat anybody they fall on. Yeeeeah. I don't know who had the great idea of using homemade bombs (cute, guys) to 'stabilize' a tornado but hey, this movie's gotta end. Soon. Very soon.


As the boy and Nova go in the air with a helicopter to detonate some bombs without getting sucked into the tornado themselves or blown out of the sky by the explosions, on the ground we're whittling down survivors. They got into a machine shop and now have chainsaws and... sigh. Fin shows his might, his courage, his wit, his green screen acting skills as he uses one to saw a falling shark lengthwise clean in half. No shit. Woof.


Baz has got to go, we like him too much and he's got more character than all the others put together so - he's dead. Some made fun of his seemingly constantly changing accent but either he did it on purpose or he's a bit mixed in the head - he said in the movie he was Tasmanian (and, in reality, he was born and raised there) so... meh.


Back to the idiots in the helicopter. They seem to triumph at first - until Nova falls out and gulp! She falls right down the gullet of a shark that continues its journey to the ground. Matt says 'Noooooo!' like he's known her for years instead of ten minutes, tops. Then he starts to lose control of the 'copter. It goes down in smoke (well, a much smaller, probably radio controlled toy helicopter does anyway)... until it almost reaches the ground. Then the smoke is all gone, it turns back into the first helicopter and it makes a gentle landing. Pffft...

Fin realizes that the last bomb didn't work so he takes a truck with nitro on board that they stole where Baz put all the other bombs, drives it toward the tor... uh, sharknado and lights a bomb (don't ask), hits the nitro button and he jumps out.


Okay, except that they already used the nitro to outrun a cop that chased them... for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Unless they had an extra nitro canister... sigh. And... boom goes the dynamite. Sharks are now falling everywhere. Not splatting, not splitting apart into a thousand pieces, they're coming down mean and hungry. And really, really, fake.

And this one is just horrible: When the sharks do their swan dive out of the sky, one flies towards the front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre (which is showing the laughable The Asylum's mockbuster Hansel and Gretel - their copy of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters)... and disappears (because the CGI was crafted by monkeys). It lands (still invisible) and makes an imprint of its body on one of the sidewalk squares, joining all the other important stars of Hollywood - most notably, the square in front of it which says it belongs to Steven Spielberg. Did you get the joke? Huh? Huh? Huh? Didja? Huh?

Fin comes back to his now adoring family just in time to see a shark (that apparently they didn't quite have time to complete coloring in so it's spotty) coming straight for his daughter out of the air. Instead of stepping to the right or left, he grabs a chainsaw and... goes straight into the shark (most of the color done now) with the damned chainsaw on. He's been 'et. Aww. Oh but wait, this is the SyFy channel and he's in the next two movies so... We see blood spurting the wrong way as he uses the chain saw to cut himself out of the shark. 

See, normally chain saws send sawdust or whatever they're cutting to the back when they run... but that's not the DUH part. Excuse me, that wasn't the WORST DUH part. After he gets out, guess what? GUESS. IF YOU DON'T GUESS YOU DON'T GET ANY PUDDING. HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?


Uh, I got off track, sorry. Even though he went into the gullet, chain saw running, he managed NOT to cut... Nova, who he pulls out of the shark. How wonderful that the EXACT SAME SHARK that gulped her down also went for Fin. His son revives her (the others stand and watch, nice first aid guys) and he's deliriously happy. The daughter smiles for the first time. Fin and April kiss, shark blood and guts smeared between them. How... disgusting.

And the movie ends. Fin. No, really, they actually used Fin to end this horrible excuse of a movie - abysmal even for The Asylum. And there's gonna be two more - but I think I'll pass. Oh, and to Ian Ziering's credit, the reason he did this movie? So he would earn enough to qualify for the Screen Actors Guild health insurance for his family. So much for Obamacare.





                        

GIMME AN 'F', GIMME AN 'R', GIMME A 'Q', GIMME A, UMM A, UMMM, WHAT WERE WE TRYING TO SPELL ANYWAY? OH YEAH, REVENGE! REVENGE! REVENGE! WIKKA WITCH BULLSHIT! ZOMBIES! YAY!!!

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

Heeeey bitches! Time for another bedtime story - and I don't wanna hear any static out of you hoes and hosers 'cause you've heard this all before from a dozen other movies 'cause I gots me the floor right now and Ima gonna speak my piece so shut up and listen up! You don't like my title? Hey, you don't have to know how to spell to be a cheerleader you know. Now listen up kiddies 'cause this is one story that has so much duh, copying of other movies, plot contrivances, and just 'WTH is this stuff?' that it actually becomes fun to watch.


This is one of those few movies where the entertainment overcomes the DUH of the plot. And the actors. And the situations. And the fact that this movie has doomed itself immediately by telling you it's gonna have a sequel. Never NEVER do that. Just ask... oh, never mind. This was written and directed by Lucky McKee/Chris Sivertson based on their original film 'All Cheerleaders Die'. What they meant by that (besides it being totally stupid) is that they remade their OWN movie that came out in 2001. This is how it plays out:

Maddy (Caitlin Stasey) is making a cheerleading movie with her friend Alexis ('Why do you call the cheerleaders bitches?' 'Cause - the players are the Bloodhounds so we're the bitches, a'ight? It's gangsta!'). Alexis tries to show off and ends up breaking her neck. Three months pass, and we see Maddy determined to 'ruin' Alexis' boyfriend Terry (Tom Williamson) for... several things he's done.

The cliche's and stereotypes fly fast and heavy throughout this whole thing: Cheerleaders are super skinny (they're not - it takes muscles to do those moves), football players are demi-gods always looking to score sex and drugs and alcohol, (they're not, although many of them might like to think so) kids who are different are outcasts, losers, or 'emo'. 

So this is a 'I'm gonna get you sucka' kind of movie where we only have to wait for the rest of the cheerleaders and football players to die right? Well... not quite. But this film also has a bit of a messy plot line and what it's going to shape into is not quite made clear until you're twenty minutes or so into the movie. And I had given up on it at first. Buuut, I try to finish every movie I start no matter what, so I waited a day and tried again.

Okay, Alexis goes boom and three months later for the new high school year, Maddy decides to infiltrate the cheerleading squad to get her revenge. For Alexis? Kinda sorta. She's got other reasons of her own too. She makes the squad because, you know, if she didn't the movie would be over. Everybody's happy except her ex-lover Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee; how's THAT for a name?), who is into 'Wikka witch bullshit' (that's the movie talking, not me) and foresees that Maddy is in deep shit.

We have the obligatory pool party full of cheerleaders. And a party in the cemetery (two cliche's in one). There's a small side story that Leena, playing with her magic stones, tells the younger sister of a cheerleader that if she wants it badly enough, she could have her sister's boyfriend - if she accepts the consequences. That comes later.

The 'boys' stop by and, as Maddy had planned by making out with cheerleader Tracy, she and Terry get into a fight and break up. Terry was Alexis' boyfriend and started dating Tracy right after the funeral. He gets mad enough to punch Tracy (and the Foley guy better not get any more work for making a simple punch sound like concrete hitting harder concrete). 

After that, he needs revenge AND to prevent any of the girls from calling the police and ruining his high school year. It escalates into a sort of drag race with a car full of 'bitches' and the other car full of 'bulldogs'. The girls crash into a river. The guys chicken out and leave. The girls are dead.

Emo girls practicing Wicca witch bullshit must have super strength because Leena was able to break into the car that is upside down in the river and drag all the girls to the edge. Of course, they're all dead but she IS a witch, right? She notices her stones rattling... sure enough a stone for each girl starts to glow and embeds itself into wherever they were injured. As for Leena, her part in this... uh... whatever they're trying to make it, is to have one purple stone glow, then embed itself into her throat. Oh goody. For whatever reason, that means she is now their leader. Why? <Sigh> How long do you want to be here?

Next morning, all girls 'wake up'. And, in Freaky Friday tradition, the two sisters are in the wrong bodies. Why? That comes later. But what they do discover (by watching Leena resurrect her cat for the third time - a little Re-Animator anybody?) is that they have no heartbeat, and they also have a thirst for human blood. But hey, there's school.

And time for another cliche'. The super slow hot-chicks-walking-down-the-hall-making-everybody-stop-and-look scene which includes a tarted up Leena, the leader of this group. Why? I dunno, she has the one ring... umm I mean the one stone? 

While at school, the younger sister (in her older sister's body) boffs the older sister's boyfriend (Remember the 'consequences' story? No? You've gotta pay more attention dude...). Another kills and drinks the CGI blood of one of the football players. When they feed, they heal up and feel better. When one has sex, the others all collapse to moan and wriggle on the ground to the entertainment of the other kids.

When Maddy collapses, Terry sees her back glowing (where the rock went in). Then Terry and a couple of the other football players find the body of their fellow player that got killed and Terry figures the glow has something to do with it.

He kills one of them, digging where he saw the glow. He gets it out and it fights like hell to get away from him but he swallows it. He now is... something else. He decides to kill them all, get all the stones.


Terry steals Leena's bag - now he's going after the rest of the stones. Leena and Maddy have to go get them - and since Leena is letting Maddy 'feed' on her blood, they're best bud... umm I mean they're girlfriends again.

We get the cheesiest 'love story' type of music as the two girls go after Terry on a motorcycle - taken from a guy who really liked Maddy so she really... killed him. Kind of like Romeo and Juliet - you don't know Romeo and Juliet? That's okay, they don't know you either.


So it all comes to a head at the grave of the munched cheerleader from the beginning. Why? Don't ask questions or you don't get dessert, you mouth breathers. Terry's got Leena and set traps for the other two surviving girls because he wants Leena's 'secrets' - he's already swallowed two or three stones so he's like... dumber than ever. We find out that the main reason Maddy's been after him is not just that he went for Tracy practically at Alexis' funeral, but he also raped Maddy the summer afterward. He thinks Maddy's dead but... Tracy fell on the traps Terry set, and Maddy landed on HER so she lived. Sooooo....

Maddy rescues Leena, Terry tries to kill Maddy, and Leena concentrates on her stones. They beep (do NOT ask questions) and circle in the air above Terry which scares him for some reason even though they're the size of quarters. Now everybody must get stoned... umm I mean unstoned as all stones come out of everybody to join the little dance.


Leena gets 'em and the purple one goes to Maddy, bringing her to life for the third time, but one goes underground... hmmm... says the movie critic with the Horror Movie Worksheet (patent pending) already filled out - I wonder what THAT will do??? DUH!!! Up through Terry's body (which was the coolest scene in the movie) comes Alexis and SHE. IS. PISSED. She screams for Leena...

And that's the end of Part One. And all the other parts, we hope. And just for ONE MORE IRRITATION, during the credits the music changes like somebody with ADD is listening to the radio and keeps changing stations. Thanks guys. I feel... horrible.