MISS MURDER ATTEMPTS SHORT HORROR FICTION

BOBBING FINGERS

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It had all been planned out, down to the last detail. At least that was how she had imagined it, but truth to tell nothing had worked at all. She was supposed to leave early in the morning, but the sickness had her and with every step she took, a dizziness threatened to make her pass out on the floor. It wasn't until afternoon when she got the note, the gun, and put clothes on.

That wasn't as planned either - she had had an elaborate note of explanation, accusation, condemnation, and vilification planned but putting words to paper proved to be as impotent as she was and she ended up wadding the damned thing up and throwing it away. If they found it, let them try to read it - her handwriting was mostly indecipherable scribbling anymore anyway.

Putting on clothes for the first time in months (she lived in her pajamas), she discovered nothing fit anymore, and had to dig for the largest clothes she could find just to have something to wear. Her shoes didn't even fit anymore, so she kept her slippers on.

The gun was small but would do the job - the ammo the gun dealer had delivered to her with her new pistol was more than adequate. She had never fired this one before, but imagined it couldn't be too hard, especially since she planned to keep it steady with her teeth. All that was left was to walk to the river.

It was the perfect time of year. The recent rains had swollen the waters and the swift current would take her carcass far away, or at least she hoped. It was also past the tourist season, so the river wouldn't be clogged with people who had so much money they could afford to live in this small town for months and just play in the water. The last song that followed her there on her MP3 player seemed to echo over the whole world:

Back and forth, I sway with the wind

Resolution slips away again

Right through my fingers, back into my heart

Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark

Sometimes I think I'm blind

Or I may be just paralyzed

Because the plot thickens every day

And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away

But I know, there's a picture beneath

Indecision clouds my vision

No one listens...

Because I'm somewhere in between

My love and my agony

You see, I'm somewhere in between

My life is falling to pieces

Somebody put me together

Layin' face down on the ground

My fingers in my ears to block the sound

My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight

Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight

Droplets of "yes" and "no"

In an ocean of "maybe"

From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline

From the top, another downhill slope of mine

But I know, the equilibrium's there

Indecision clouds my vision

No one listens

Because I'm somewhere in between

My love and my agony

You see, I'm somewhere in between

My life is falling to pieces

Somebody put me together

- Falling To Pieces, Faith No More

She was alone and no one noticed her lumbering away as she traveled the path to the river. She was cold already - the winds blew hard here and made whitecaps on the waves. Once on the tiny bit of beach at the edge, she looked around first to confirm she was alone. Slowly she peeled her clothes off, putting them deep in the bushes where no one would look, hopefully for a few weeks at least.

One step into the water almost made her stop the whole thing right then and there. The frigid water sent shock waves from her toes all the way up the back of her neck...

She was only in just over her ankles when she heard the sharp report and felt a horrible pain in her right hand. The shock of the cold plus a spasm in her left hand had caused her to pull her finger on the trigger. She discovered she had shot off three fingers of her right hand. She plunged her hand into the water which was excruciating, then numbing. She didn't really care anyway.

The noise of the shot had been a lot louder than she had realized, however. Looking around to see if anyone was coming, she was relieved to see that the traffic of the nearby highway filled with people going on with actual lives to look forward to had made enough noise to drown out the sound.

She only made it waist deep before she realized she could go no further - the cold hurt worse than the remaining part of her hand. There was a sharp drop-off somewhere close, she was counting on that. The rock she had somehow managed to rope to her ankle wasn't large, but should be enough to keep her under water until the current grabbed her body and took it away. She had seen enough pictures of unsuccessful attempts of people who had only managed to mutilate themselves but lived to know if she screwed up the shot, at least she would drown.

The metal of the gun tasted awful, but she was past caring. The song in her ears ended as did her life as she pulled the trigger a second time.

She was unable to, but her three dismembered digits floated down the river and waved goodbye to the world for her.

                        

YET ANOTHER FREAKING NIGHTMARE HORROR MOVIE STARRING A CHILD THAT NO CHILD SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED TO SEE...





The Babadook (2014) Australia

After already getting complaints about my ripping on the popular movie Oculus, I decided I might as well go after another movie that I've heard so much about this year, I was incredibly sick and tired of it and I hadn't even seen it yet.

The Babadook is a variation of the boogeyman - at least in this movie. I think everyone's aware of that. However if you want to see an above average, sometimes puzzling, actually pretty neat little piece of cinema (without your children please, unless you like them jumping into bed with you screaming they've had nightmares), I suggest you stop reading right now. If you must continue:


SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

The setup: Amelia is tired. Very, very tired. When she was being driven by her husband to the hospital to have her baby, they were in an accident and he was killed. She was fine and the baby was born...

Almost seven years later, Amelia is very VERY tired. Her child, Samuel (Noah Wiseman), is - hmm, let's put this in nice terms. He is a high maintenance child. He makes weapons like a small Daryl Dixon and insists on carrying them constantly. He gets kicked out of the first grade for sneaking one of his weapons (a small homemade crossbow that shoots darts) with him to school. He wants to be a magician and insists his mother helps him with costumes and magic tricks.


And he's scared of monsters. Every night not only does he demand a story, but a thorough search of his room for monsters. Night after night after night...

Amelia is VERY tired. Played by the beautiful Essie Davis, she is all but unrecognizable in this movie as the toll of trying to raise her son alone (she still wears her wedding ring and doesn't date) along with a full time job at a care center is making her older by the hour. Did I mention he was high maintenance? Oh and she has a toothache. That comes into play later...

He's also very, very annoying. He screams more than he talks and if I were his mother... let's just say that Noah Wiseman should get an Oscar for his performance in this film. If his character had been my kid, when he pitched a fit in the car screaming and kicking the seat, I probably would have stopped the car, kicked him to the curb and drove off...


Just kidding of course. Maybe. Which is why I have no children. One night, Sam insists on picking the book for his mom to read before bed. It is a pop-up book called Mister Babadook. I must admit that when I first heard the name, I thought it sounded like a toddler trying to tell you they've filled their diaper. The story goes as follows (if you think this is really cool you can buy the book but don't expect your kid to sleep without the lights on until he/she leaves for college):

If it's in a word or if it's in a look
You can't get rid of the Babadook.
If you're really a clever one
And you know what it is to see
Then you can make friends with a special one,
A friend of you and me.
His name is Mr. Babadook
And this is his book.
(RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE)
A rumbling sound then 3 sharp knocks
ba BA-ba DOOK! DOOK! DOOK!
That's when you'll know that he's around
You'll see him if you look.
This is what he wears on top.
He's funny, don't you think?
See him in your room at night
And you won't sleep a wink.
(LET ME IN!)
I'll soon take off my funny disguise
(take heed of what you've read...)
And once you've seen what's underneath...
YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE DEAD.


After reading it to him, Sam completely freaks (just repeat duh a couple dozen times) and insists on sleeping with her. In his sleep he kicks her, pulls her hair and generally makes her miserable. Amelia is very VERY tired.

I peed myself more than usual trying to read this through without laughing so hard. I want to know who wrote this little ditty so I can shake his hand (I'll wash first)...


Samuel is such a brat he tries to scare everyone, telling them his dad died the day he was born, breaking the nose of a little girl when she won't believe there is a Babadook, and just being totally out of control. His mother can't even have a little, umm, personal time without him running in. Finally she's had enough after he trashes his room and takes the book and rips it up, throwing it out in the garbage.

Sooo of course the natural progression is that she starts to hear strange sounds at night. Great. She finds broken glass in her soup and is so defeated by it all that she simply tells Sam to go watch TV - even as he insists that The Babadook did it... And Sam isn't going to let up on her either:

"I HATE YOU! YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY AND YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE A DAD!"  This was his punishment for screaming at everyone and talking nonstop about the Babadook - oh yeah, and breaking a little girl's nose in two places. 


FINALLY he gets so worked up he convulses, so the doctor gives her sleeping pills for the kid. To hell with the kid, what about her? I have to say I love the way they show her getting some sleep - the shot shows her floating in the air softly to her bed. Really wish I could do that. In the morning someone knocks on the door. Hard. The book is, of course, sitting on the doorstep.

It has been pieced together and more words have been added and looking closely I found a continuity error - it's small but it's so stupid that they couldn't take an extra second to... well, anyway:

Notice how the words are arranged...

I'll WAGER with YOU,
I'LL MAKE you a BET.
ThE MORE you DENY the
STRONGER I GET

The word 'the' has just been ripped and moved. L-A-Z-Y!

The second time the camera pans across the words, the last line now says 'the STRONGER I GET' - a word has been moved from the third line to the fourth. In fact, the paper obviously has been ripped to move the word down.

The next page is The Babadook over HER bed with the words LET ME IN! The next page shows a pop-up of her standing with him towering over her from behind.

You start to CHANGE when I get in.
the BABADOOK growing right UNDER YOUR SKIN
Oh COME! Come SEE what's UNDERNEATH!

The next pop-up is the same except now she's strangling the family dog. As she looks, the dog's head falls over. So of course the NEXT pop-up shows the same except now she's strangling her son (YESSSSS!!!!!). As she watches the paper twists back and forth. The final pop-up shows her with a knife, slitting her own throat and red blood flows.

This time, because she has learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, she puts the book on the barbie, covers it in gasoline and sets it on fire. Next come the phone calls, then the cockroaches...  Ho freaking hum. We're 41 minutes into the movie and all I've learned is that I'm rooting for a made-up boogeyman instead of worrying about this pitiful family.

Forty seven irritating minutes in, things finally get interesting. The kid is drugged to sleep, but mom isn't so she gets to see and hear a freak show that would frighten just about anybody. I was even creeped out. It's loud, it's an all-black figure, it crawls everywhere - even on the ceiling. Now HERE is the nightmare I was looking for. Watch only if you wanna:

Now it's mommy's turn to do all the screaming. She yells at the boy when all he wants is food. All she sees is TV programs with monsters in them - over and over. Her jaw is hurting even worse from the toothache, and while driving she thinks she sees something black and ends up in a minor accident.

I did find it interesting that when she turned stern (before she went total full-on psycho) the boy started behaving and stopped his yelling and temper tantrums. Hmmm... Of course once she totally flipped he tried to call for help and he had to hide with his homemade weapons while she went around locking everything so 'nothing could get in' although by now we know that she wants nothing to get out. She also makes him take his sleeping pills although they make him sick.

Totally at the head-twisting (the dog, or at least a stuffed one anyway) stage, she then pulls out one of her teeth - apparently the one that's been bugging her since the movie started. She's now a full-on evil spirit - she floats, screeches, and kind of sounds like Jessica Lange (sorry Jessica) - and now Sam's the hero and she's the enemy.


For a bit it turns into a nasty game of 'Home Alone' as the kid uses his homemade weapons, the kitchen knife, and a rope he strung on the basement steps to pull tight when she comes after him to trip her. If the tension wasn't so high, this would be funny. He manages to knock her out.

She comes to in the basement, tied up. But he's a seven year old and so she gets her hands free and starts to strangle him. After he tells her he loves her (with his neck being squeezed?) she lets go.


She turns over and vomits a bunch of black stuff. The boy then helps the wounded, icky and tired mother up the stairs. But at the next staircase he tells her you can't get rid of the Babadook and something invisible pulls him up the stairs.


She runs to save her son and gets in a yelling match with The Babadook and it gets irritating really fast - then we see effects that seem really cool but we don't see anything of him, except that he screeches and runs into the basement. Sigh. And the movie is not over yet.

It's the day of the boy's birthday party and they're apparently keeping and feeding the blasted thing in the basement worms. They're actually being nice to it and it seems to be at home in the dark of their house. Aaaaand that's the end. Sam and his mother celebrate his birthday by themselves, and they hug and are... happy? Really?

Actually although at first I felt kind of let down by this meh ending, I was at least not disappointed completely with it - it wasn't good, bad, or predictable... just really, really weird. And I think it fits.

Update: 4/18/15 - I watched this movie again on Netflix and think I have a theory of the weird ending that seemed off the first time. Of course because of all the screaming I watched a lot of it with the sound down or off (bless the CC) but I think why she allowed it to stay in their basement is first, she was briefly possessed by it and maybe understands what it needs - and it understands that to have a 'home' it has to behave. Also, now that Sam has seen a real monster that is not going to 'get' him (rats) he has calmed down and maybe a real life can begin for the both of them. Just a theory.



                        

LOOKING THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY... STILL ISN'T GOING TO HELP...

Oculus (2014)

1 Corinthians 13:12 (Reference Bible) For at present we see in hazy outline by means of a metal mirror, but then it will be face to face. At present I know partially, but then I shall know accurately even as I am accurately known.  (King James Version) For now we see through a glass, darkly...

I actually had most of this review done a couple of months ago but those of you who have read even a few of my reviews won't be a bit surprised that I got sick, my mind got lost, and the notes... are somewhere in the universe, just not on my blog. Nuts. That meant I had to watch this mind fu... umm this mind twisting tale again and try my best to comprehend what the hell was going on.


Thennnn... well, just read the above paragraph again and you'll get a pretty good idea why it's clear in freaking December and I'm just now getting this out.

Hey but considering they shot this back in 2012 in Mobile, Alabama of all places, then didn't get it out until 2013 (in Toronto) and didn't even hit an American theater until April of this year, it looks like I'm not the only slacker here.

If you want an in-depth understanding, two or three viewings may be necessary. This isn't as bad as you might think, as overall I believe the movie was well done. In other words, they left it in the oven WAAAAAAY too long. It was a confusing mish mash of past and present events, most taking place on screen simultaneously. Plus, quick lesson movie making guys - an oculus means 'eye' in Latin although it can be a round opening or a circular window. You guys weren't even trying, were you?

Remember me telling you about Insidious 1 and 2 coming out two years apart was really stupid because there were questions in the first that were answered in the second but in two years who remembers the questions? You don't? Pffft... go to the back of the class and study a little harder kiddo. Anywho, here instead of having story one with the kids, then two years later the story of the kids as adults, they mish-mashed both together. Fun.

I honestly have no idea why it was rated 'R' either, and that's after ranting that no horror movie should be PG-13. This is yet another 'R' rated movie featuring kids that kids should NOT see. Not unless you want to invest in a freaking truckload of night lights and having your kids jump into bed with you at every night sound. And that's not including night terrors either. It's an interesting choice by the WWE Studios though. So far we've seen them doing slasher films (including the anticipated See No Evil 2 with Kane and the impressive Soska sisters) so this is a bit of a gamble for them.

My first viewing's impression found this to be a good film overall - the actors were solid and convincing (especially the small kids), the directing was good, suspense, story progression - all that stuff that REAL movie reviewers wet themselves over were basically here. But I am NOT one of those reviewers. So let me tell you why this movie not only wasn't very original, it wasn't very good, either. Oh and if you haven't seen it and you wanna, I've learned I have to say SPOILERS so...

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

This, of course, has to do with the mystical take of mirrors. It's not new, it's not original, and it's not limited to any one people, religion, time, or belief. Ever since man figured out how to look at himself without getting wet (from looking at the water people, not... never mind) there have been superstitions, beliefs, and paranormal views of mirrors. The movie is rather simple when you look at it - it's the history that's more interesting. And so:


A bad, bad mirror does bad, bad things to one family... it leaves 10 year old Tim (Brenton Thwaites in adult form, Garrett Ryan as his younger self) in a mental facility until he turns 21. His older sister Kaylie (Karen Gillan in adult form, Annalise Basso as her younger self) apparently spent her growing up time plotting revenge. Her preparations are impressive, she'd done the research and thinks she has every possible outcome planned out and carefully controlled so she and her newly-released brother can do what they planned - kill it with a "kill switch" - an anchor weighted to the ceiling and set to a timer.

Thankfully they didn't try to make this 'based on a true story' so the history is bogus but entertaining:

A rather ugly looking antique (my words), the 400 year-old Lasser Glass is supposedly home to an observable, predictable supernatural force. That's a nice, college graduate way of saying the freaking mirror is haunted. It has 'killed' at least 45 people (no, they don't say how many dogs and plants). Since she blurs past this history and I wanted to know who the hell Marisol was (the woman who 'seduced' their dad) I took it step by step:

The trail starts in London in 1754. Philip Lasser, the 17th Earl of Leicester, was the first recorded owner. He hung the mirror over his fireplace. He was found in that fireplace burned beyond recognition. One of the stewards claimed to have seen Philip reflected in the mirror which prompted the Church of England to investigate the house. Was anything done? Pfft...

In 1758 it is sold in public auction and then to an American railroad tycoon, Robert Clancy, in 1864. Clancy weighed over 300 pounds. He was called the South Windham Whale. After hanging the mirror he is seen less than a year later, thin as a, to pardon the pun, rail. He died a few weeks later.


The mirror was thought to have been destroyed but pops up in 1904 in New England belonging to Mary O'Connor. She hung the mirror in her bathroom and was found dead two weeks later in a bathtub full of water. Cause of death? Dehydration.

Then Alice Carden in Lake Geneva Wisconsin in 1943. Soon after she got it neighbors reported screams and loud noises coming from the house. Alice's two children were found drowned in a locked cistern. Alice was in the nursery, systematically smashing her own bones with a hammer. She thought she was tucking her children into bed. The family also kept several dogs at the farm but none of them were ever found.

Then Tobin Capp, 1955. Starved to death in his own bedroom - where the mirror was placed. He had a pet Dalmation, also never found (apparently all kitties are safe).


California, 1965. The mirror now belongs and hangs in the San Diego Hill Trust Bank lobby. Marcia Wicker, a teller for ten years, locks her manager in the bank vault and then chews through a live power line (my fave pic but I'm twisted that way).

The only person who really tried to destroy the mirror was Oliver Jeffries in 1971. He was a teacher at Manhattan's Duhame Academy. The mirror hung in the central lecture hall. He ran at it with a fireplace poker one morning, shouting about how it needed to be destroyed. He stopped at the mirror and stood quietly looking at it for almost a minute before walking out of the hall and into traffic.

1975 Marisol Chavez (Aha! Paydirt!) dies in her bedroom (where the mirror hung) of hemorrhaging due to a miscarriage. In her nightstand, they find every single one of her teeth in a little plastic bag and a pair of bloody pliers. Ohhhh, now the tooth fairy's involved, huh? I get it... no, wait. I don't get it at all... and nasty as she looked, how the hell did she manage to 'seduce' the dad... yikes.

And finally, 2002. Alan and Marie Russell (played but not given enough screen time by Rory Cochrane and Katee Sackoff, respectively) purchase the mirror and it hangs in the home office of Alan who has started a new business designing software. It takes only two weeks for the mother to suffer an intense psychological breakdown and is tortured and murdered by her husband (according to police reports, Kaylie doesn't agree). 


Afterward the father is shot and killed by Tim, which lands him in psychiatric care until his 21st birthday. Oh yeah, their dog disappears too.

So the day he gets out, his sister bombards him with her plans for the mirror's 'demise'. Nice sis, the guy has been steeped in psychiatric bullshit for eleven years, and you hammer him with paranormal mirrors the second he gets to the parking lot. But for him to get to see the world would take too much time so...

We get a slightly different, but familiar 'paranormal' activity set up of equipment - computers, cameras, timers, etc. In addition, because this thing apparently 'feeds' Kaylie has also set up house plants all through the place, as well as a dog in a cage in the same room as the mirror. This dog is only there as a type of, umm, offering (don't worry animal lovers, nothing bad happens to him). But it's said that supposedly being outside the 'dead plant' zone is the only safe place from the mirror.

The brother, fresh out of the hospital and totally brainwashed into thinking he and his sister made the whole thing up (isn't psychiatry wonderful?) is bemused, then concerned, then outright frightened - of his sister. He doesn't believe a single thing about what she's saying. However he is finding that there are disturbing memories, ones he had buried deep down that are playing out in front of him (confusing if you don't pay attention) but this he attributes to trauma, nothing else.

Until. The turning point of the movie from lets-get-this-show-on-the-road into the good stuff: He and his sister, in the room with all the cameras and the mirror, leave the room and have an all out argument. They return to the room and find that the two cameras are now facing each other, lenses touching. A review of the computer records show that they did NOT leave the room, but stood there yelling at each other while moving the cameras themselves. Now, the big question: Did THEY actually do that, only thinking they left the room, or did the 'spirits' in the mirror do it, and mess with the records to make it show only what they wanted it to?

And why do we only see (at first, more later) a woman named Marisol Chavez? Why is she the 'leader' so to speak, the primary 'spirit' in the mirror that draws the father in? That was never explained and I don't think it ever will even if they try any kind of sequel. Please God don't let that happen.

How does it end? Badly and with a whimper. Bleh.

"I've met my demons, and they are many. I've seen the devil and he is me." - Alan Russell







So what the hell is my problem with this movie?

Okay, put aside the slick camera work and the great actors and you've got the story. And... it's... just awful. I mean the concept of mirrors either trapping or holding evil is extremely old and world-wide. And the 'traditions' associated with mirrors and death are just as old. I personally have heard theories that say mirrors are covered and windows opened because recently departed spirits get confused and can't leave the house unless all the reflective surfaces are covered. Or was that the rule for flies?

Panic! At The Disco's 'Ballad Of Mona Lisa' shows an old-time western funeral and the 'rules' attached. Don't know where they got all of them or whether they just made them up but at 1:14 into the video it states that "Rule Number 3: Stop all clocks and cover all mirrors.

Covering the mirrors after a death can be found in many religions, including Judaism. It has been a time-honored tradition to cover the mirrors in the shiva home from the moment of death to the end of shiva.

A variety of reasons have been advanced for the custom of covering the mirrors:

Judaism has always taught that man was created in the image of God and that he derives, from that resemblance, his dignity and his value. The dignity of man is the reflection of his Creator and, therefore, the image of the Creator Himself shrinks with the death of His creatures. At the time of the destruction of the image of God, represented by man, the mirror-which serves to reflect man's 'image' ought not be used.

There are several more pages along this line but I'll take pity on you and stop it here.

I think this is a Def Leppard
album cover as well...

If a lot of this also reminds you of an Irish Catholic wake, you're not wrong. As I said, it transcends a lot of religions and peoples and traditions.

And movies. Lots and lots of movies. Do you know how many horror movies are about mirrors? If you knew, you'd instantly realize that Oculus, though having its tricks that it puts good actors through, is nothing but a cracked mirror and a ho-hum story that everyone has seen before.




                        

CARL STAY IN THE DAMNED HOUSE! WHOOPS, NEVER MIND, YOU CAN COME OUT NOW... 

Mercy (2014) 

Okay, Stephen King is just about everybody's favorite horror author, right? Even when he scams H.P. Lovecraft stuff? Even when it's a short story that's from a book in the '80's (Skeleton Crew) and already appearing (with Harlan Ellison's help) in an episode of The Twilight Zone? Do we really want to see a repeat of a story they told within 20 minutes?

The answer is... dammit I thought I knew that one but I forgot. Here's the original (Twilight Zone version) story in a nutshell: Little George is left alone with his ancient and infirm Grandmother. George hears a monstrous growl from the bedroom. It is his Grandmother asking George for her tea. George recalls conversations in which his mother and her siblings discussed how dangerous Gramma is now that she's senile (a hilarious memory is when he hears them talk about all the graves in the cemetery exploding - I would have loved to see that). 

George returns to his grandmother's room and tries without success to rouse her. But Gramma opens one glowing red eye and glares at him. She draws him to her and embraces him, and tells him that he is her favorite, and they seem to merge into one being. George's mother returns and finds George sitting at the kitchen table with his grandmother's books. He explains that Gramma died and he didn't know what to do. She tries to comfort him, but does not see that he now has glowing red eyes like Gramma.

So. We get a quote to start: "Love Made Me" (Inscription Over Gates Of Hell, Dante's Inferno)

Then we're in W. Virginia in 1967. A woman coos over her newborn triplets. The father chops his own head with an ax. Uh huh, it's going to be that kind of movie.

George (Chandler Riggs) starts us off by telling us that he and his Grandmother were always best friends. Umm, what? Okay, we're off on a whole 'nother story now...

On one outing his Grandmother has him 'charm' a snake with violin music. It's pretty stupid - not the music charming part, the part where they obviously used three different snakes for one scene. Duh. And I don't even know anything about snakes.

So during a family dinner Grandma has a seizure and is now out of her head - except she knows George (the others she attacks). The doctors are coming but she knows her time is short. She warns him that "He's coming." but doesn't say who "he" is. She's taken away.

It's one year later. Grandma is so bad that the nursing home won't have her anymore. George talks to a girl who tells him she's watching over him - but no one else can see her (great, he sees dead people too although she is just billed as 'the girl next door' for whatever reason).

He, his brother and mother move back into Grandma's house and George tells his brother to be careful, he's getting the 'haints' angry (that's a Southern word for ghosts by the way). George is looking forward to being with his grandmother again.

Their neighbor Jim (Dylan McDermott) gives George a book and his brother a gift card for the grocery store so he can 'Bobby Flay himself to death'. Had to look that up - guess the older brother wants to be a chef and Flay is known for his Southwestern cuisine. 'Kay.

They pick up 'Grandma' who's looking just one step from a vegetable. George's dead blonde friend sits with him as they take her home. They find she's like an infant, rarely lucid, and needs regular thorazine shots to 'keep her friendly'. They quickly find that giving her the shots is NOT easy. And that drug will lay the most manic person out flat, so something is up.

The other two kids, Jinny and Len are worthless. Jinny tried to leave town with her boyfriend - he was found torn to pieces and Jinny has lived her life in an asylum. Len turned to drinking. So George's mom is the only kid that has it together enough to take care of Grandmother. 

One day they get a scrawled note that Jinny somehow, although in isolation, managed to mail to George warning him to get out, Hastur is now there (one of Cthulu's many monikers). Jinny supposedly was most like her Grandmother and saw... things. So Grandma was desperate for kids, did something bad, got three of them, and only one is normal. With one Grandson to love her. Nice. Totally worth the death of her husband and the ones to come...

George finds that Grandma now only responds to him if he uses the name Hastur. She also speaks (perfectly without slurring) a strange dialect (since this is an H.P. Lovecraft rip-off... umm, I mean adaptation I'm assuming it's something supposedly in the Necronomicon). 

He tells his brother, but his brother is mainly waiting for Grandma to die so he can get back to his life and doesn't really care - he tells George not to meddle with anything. But does our 'Carl' ever listen to anybody? Hell no! After hearing pleads from Grandma, he takes the thorazine out and replaces it with saline.

They leave Len with Grandma and go shopping. George finds out from the town priest how his Grandmother, after finding herself barren, used 'other things' to get what she wanted. His Grandfather figured things out and that's why he killed himself. She threw her Bible at the priest and swore she'd never come back. She always prospered, even when the whole town had bad luck. The family goes back to find Len and Grandma locked together. Len is dead, his blood all over her.

Grandma isn't blamed though - they say Len died of an aneurysm - too much drinking. And George talks more with his dead friend.

The two brothers find a 'book of weeping' - apparently the book that let Grandma get pregnant. Before George can learn what to do to cure his Grandmother, his brother throws the book in the woodchipper. A piece whips out and impales him. George is now alone with his Grandma while his mother takes his brother to the hospital.

A plant is delivered, at night, by regular mail (wrong wrong wrong). It is Verbena, also known as 'Devil's Bane'. Uh huh. He then looks up (finally) Hastur. Grandma goes nuts but George left one bottle of Thorazine just in case and drugs her. 

He then gets a call from Jinny - she's 'hurt people to escape' the hospital and wants to meet with him because he's 'the one' whatever the hell that means. She tells him to meet her on Dead Tree Hill. Hanging up he hears a thump - Grandma has died. He must have been a bit heavy handed when he closed her eyes like everybody does in movies - she definitely and very visibly flinches when he does. Whoops.

He calls 911 and the power (and phone) goes out. The doors won't open and the windows won't break. THAT'S what they needed in TWD!!! He HAS to stay in the house now!!!

Just kidding. His dead friend (who can't come in) tells him to use the ax in the cellar but somebody's already got it. Running back upstairs he finds himself in a drawn circle with lots of candles. Wow, somebody was quick!

A door is now open - he runs to it and the weeping book is on the floor. Since he wished for a cure for his Grandmother, it appears - a picture of her eating his heart (which is why his brother destroyed it). He runs outside, she grabs him, throwing him back into the circle. She starts to chant in another voice. Luckily (Miss Murder says, rolling her eyes) he reaches the mysteriously delivered plant, grabbing some of the flowers and burning his Grandmother's face with it before bolting.

He gets to the neighbors and Jim promises to take him to his mother. But Jim made a pact with Grandma - she was going to make sure he could be with George's mother (What is it with Dylan playing douchebags these days? He used to play the nicest characters...). George figures out though that Jim needs him alive and so dives out of the truck. Jim follows and is run down by one of those cars that likes to run people down, beep their horn but never stop.

He finds Ginny dead and knows his mom is back home and about to die. His dead girl friend tells him it would be suicide to go back but he does. Sure enough, whatever's in Grandma's body is gonna eat him up. And because the rest of this movie is total nonsense, why not have the dead Grandpa show up with the ax, let George's chains loose, and also let him go pick up the ax? Meh, let's having dancing ponies and pooping unicorns too while we're at it.

Aaaaand to bring this overblown story to an end, the boy cries, the Grandma dies, and the dead girl turns out to be the 'good parts' that his Grandma had been giving up to get what she wanted... awww, isn't that sweet?

Here's the kicker: George's summary of the whole mess? If Grandma hadn't been evil, he wouldn't have been born so wasn't it worth it? I mean geez, people died, but he gets to be on a top-rated TV show so hey, let's all get one of those freaking books... Oh and don't think we didn't notice all those different hair styles of yours Mr. Riggs - having to fit the filming of this movie with the TWD filming and all... just sayin'...