Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

Zombi 4 aka Panico aka Panic (1982) Spanish/Italian

Sometimes I have to remind myself the purpose of this blog - to find the awful, the silly, the just plain ludicrous and of course make fun of ever minute of it. Sometimes I forget that and wonder if I'm being punished with finding all these bad movies but no, it's just my job. A job I chose to do so no whining big girl, just do your silly movies...

I tried to find at least one halfway decent in the Amazon pile before my free subscription expires (I love Amazon, can't say enough good things about them - but their movie streaming service needs a lot of work) but despite my best efforts, I got this. It could have been worse - much, much worse! I found one called Blood which apparently was about this girl they somehow engineered so her blood is like a narcotic which means she makes an inexhaustible supply but since nothing happens, they decided they needed dialogue. And as their music played at top volume, so did their dialogue which went something like this (PG rated): 1: Turn the (bleep) music the (bleep) down now! 2: You (bleep) turn the (bleep) music the (bleep) yourself! 1: I'll be (bleep) if I (bleep)... and so on. Oh the music? 'Get the (bleep) out of my way or I'll (bleep) you' repeated ad naseum. And five minutes was oh so much more ad naseum than anyone could stand. So I got this one.

No this is NOT a toupee' - why do you keep asking?

For whatever reason, this is set in England but everyone is talking in Italian, which is horribly dubbed over. It's like watching a Godzilla movie. Our basic premise for this nail-biting horror show? Rats. Again with the (bleep) rats! This time they're experimenting on them to make (say it with me... say it!) a virus that cannot be cured (Geez, wonder what they need that for?). And it gets out. Or at least gets to one Professor. I was very disappointed his fellow professor's name was Jane, Maryanne would have been funnier. Hey, this is so lame, I took whatever chuckles I could get. For instance, the police officer in charge of 'investigating' the 'incident' at the Chemi-Cal company (Wow, what imagination!) was named Captain Kirk. That got me a couple of times. Every time they found a body (always hanging upside down from... nothing) 'he's dead Jim' went through my head. Hey I had to find some way to pass the time until this stinker was over. 

Me Jane... JANE!!! Don't you speak English... uh sorry.

My favorite line? Captain Kirk was interrogating the one of the scientists at the Chemi-Cal company and when they were finished turned to his fellow police officer saying 'He was a dreadful actor, wasn't he?' Pffffffftttt.... okay that was pretty freaking funny. Even funnier? Reading the Spanish version of the synopsis of this movie which, word for word was: An English laboratory currently uses a deadly virus created during World War II. During a test, a scientist is contaminated by the virus, which transforms it into a monstrous, with customs and habits anthropophagic bloody. To prevent the spread devastate humanity, take matters into their armed forces.

With a wick I could light up a city block.

Wahahahahaaaaaa.... that's better than the whole movie itself! Okay, they didn't give a 'date' of the movie happening but yes, they were making a deadly virus and one professor got it, turned into what looked like a bunch of melted candlewax that they smeared all over this guy's face and just mushed it around and said 'There! Now add the fake blood...' 'Oh yeah, there's some leftover hands from the first three Zombi movies, just grab a pair and shove them on him... and make sure he breathes real heavy like he's got asthma through the whole thing... don't need a silent mutant now, do we?'

So this non-rat looking rat mutant goes around killing people and drinking their blood. Why? Don't ask, it wasn't covered in the script. The English military, in all their wisdom, decided on 'Plan Q' which sounded like 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' 'cause it was just that stupid (but used in more than a few films so...) - basically they're going to cut the town off and blow it to kingdom come (or use some sort of nerve gas, wasn't paying enough attention at this point) but the end result would be 'the death of a thousand to save millions'. Yeah, thanks guys.

 

Yeah we know stupid, we just watched the movie - DUH!

Needless to say Professor Maryanne... I mean Jane finds a last minute cure for this non-curable virus and it is put in some sort of fire extinguisher which Captain Kirk sprays the non-rat looking rat and kills it... it bubbles down to... well, bubbles. They tell the military and hooray! The day is saved and the movie is over! That's something we can all celebrate.

A Most Unspectacular Craptacular Movie Marathon Weekend 


First of all, thank all of you for putting me over 6,000 views - that is really special to me and I never thought I would ever have so many readers - give yourselves a hand, you deserve it! Second I know I've been slacking off a bit, but between health issues, a sick puddy cat and other bothersome things you don't want to know about it's been kind of... hard to get it together and get movies on here. I noticed that coming up on IFC this month is Atrocious and Repo: The Genetic Opera (snickers loudly). That ought to be fun... for those suckers who don't know what they're getting into when they sit to watch them. Oh Repo had its moments and Joan Jett made the movie, even if only for about ten seconds, but still... and they've released (if you get Netflix) the top movies to watch for October and all I have to say is - you might want to check their list against my blog before you commit yourselves to hours of... torture.

All right, as for my most unspectacular weekend - I call it that because not a single movie I saw deserves its own review. That's right folks, it was all pure crap - only one was worth watching and that's only if you like the 50's style comic book type of horror. If not.... The goal was to clear my DVR of some things I've been keeping because people kept insisting these movies MUST be seen. Not going to say exactly who but.. plbbbbt on all of you 'cause it was horrible!

Death Row aka Haunted Prison (2006): An abandoned prison. A dark past. An evil that will not die. Uh huh. This movie takes terrible to a new level and, I must admit to be perfectly honest, makes it a little funny to watch. Now, no disrespect to Jake Busey, but if you want to see a guy outdo his old man as far as overacting, twitching, spazzing and generally being a goofball, this is a good movie to watch. Yes, I do confess I've seen this movie more than once because he's just so darn fun to ridicule! There's also Stacey Keach (briefly) doing a good bit about being a 'good guard' within this evil prison - as he's telling the Scooby gang who wants to do a documentary about Isla De La Roca (Rock Island, real original guys) about how he barely escaped with his life because 'somebody' went nuts and started a riot and mass murder of both inmates and guards, it is shown that the 'somebody' was him. Heh heh... Danny Trejo, who seems to get a least a bit in all these types of movies does NOT play a janitor (Hey, I hear he's in an upcoming film about being a zombie killer too - not a janitor. Cool!) but a Catholic priest (Really, do these guys get to wear ponytails?) who was 'fresh from the seminary' but immediately felt the corruption of this place. Yeah, it's your typical 'a lot of people died here horribly so the prison is haunted' type of movie, but between some little giggles (and watching Jake twitch up a storm) it's almost passable. Who lives? Ah, that wouldn't be fair. Let's just say that the gore is very respectable, the effects are okay, the story ridiculous and the acting laughable. And we'll leave it at that.

Hush (2009) British: This is a good example of something that could have been good but gets so mucked up that it turns to crap. The synopsis is almost original: A couple, while driving (and hating each other) get cut off by a large white truck while going through construction - the back door comes up a little and the driver can see that there are naked women in cages in the back. All right, that's a little different. The driver looks for a license plate - they've caked it with mud. It stops at a service station and so do they. And here where interest wanes because they muck this up so badly (it is British after all and no, I'm not prejudiced, I just think their idea of horror is... off). You just start to not really care what happens to any of them. Long story (and it seemed waaay too long) the girlfriend gets snatched while they're at the service station, he goes on a one-man rescue mission (DUH), stealing cars when his runs out of gas, leaving bodies they kill behind making the police think he's a killer as well as car thief and the ending is... unsatisfactory to say the least. They explain nothing, resolve nothing, and the whole premise is never expounded or made into a satisfactory story. In other words, they took an idea and thought they could fill 90 minutes with it. Nope.

Mulberry Street (2007): There's nothing more disappointing than watching a movie that you think is about a rat-plague started zombie invasion which turns out to be... a rat-plague started infestation that turns all who are bitten into... are you ready? Human rats. No shit. I was waiting for zombies, I mean they certainly acted like 'em, wanting to chew on each other and attacking (fast little buggers) but... see this takes place in Manhattan, where a developer has decided he's going to personally drive up the cost of living so much that everyone will pretty much have to leave - he's doing a ton of digging, making new high rises, tearing down old ones... and stirring up the rats. And apparently pissing them off. Soon the subways are rife with the nasty little things and they're biting everyone in sight. Mixed in this extremely depressing scenario is the story of a dad and his gay 'friend' waiting for his daughter to come home - she apparently had been serving her country, getting her face scarred up for her troubles (they keep making a big deal out of that but she didn't look bad at all) and she ends up having to hoof it through the whole city because by this time all transportation is gone and the streets are blocked. I'm sorry, but I really lost interest when the tenement's super got bit and was shaving the tops of his ears and checking his little sharp teeth. I'll repeat that. HE WAS SHAVING THE TOPS OF HIS EARS BECAUSE HE WAS TURNING INTO A RAT. And that's the big story. Who lives? What do you think? If pretty much the whole city of Manhattan is running around with sharp teeth and a tendency to eat each other, you think the government is really gonna help? Really? Well, if you do, watch and see...

Necromentia (2009): Okay I gave this another try because I saw it a bit ago and understood not one single minute of it. Gee, what a surprise, nothing changed. This horrid bit of totally confusing gore and self-mutilation with some necrophilia and outright ripoffs of Hellraiser and even Welcome To The Black Parade, a music video by My Chemical Romance just killed any sense of even wanting to try to understand what the hell was going on. And if you watch it, what the hell will be the phrase you will find yourself repeating a LOT. This is how wiki puts it because I would just keep repeating what the hell so see for yourself: Travis cares for his mentally disabled younger brother and works as a torturer for hire. He is also addicted to ketamine, that sends him to this... hallway where he meets Morbius. Morbius informs Travis that his brother has been taken by another demonic troublemaker called Mister Skinny. Mister Skinny appears as a diaper-wearing fat butcher in a pig mask who first entices the boy to eviscerate his slumbering baby-sitter (pretty damn good for a kid with cerebal palsy). If Travis helps Morbius exact vengeance then Morbius will allegedly help Travis find his dead brother.

Travis has to find Hagen who stole Elizabeth and carve demonic symbols into Hagen's back and send him straight into the utility tunnel, err, I mean Hell, where he is gruesomely mutilated by a monstrous eyeless beast before ever setting out in search of his lover. Travis follows in search of his own brother and is disabled and dragged into the darkness by the hideous beast. Best line of the whole movie? Travis is told 'Disappointed there's no fire and brimstone? It's just a boring place with no beginning or end'. Amen to that one!

Morbius is then shown as being the beast and being controlled by another entity who looks like a gray-skinned adult man in a gas mask (Welcome To The Black Parade bitches.). It is then discovered that Morbius was a mute who worked as a bartender and dabbled in the occult. Morbius' girlfriend was Elizabeth. Hagen inadvertently becomes a murderer by killing the mute with a folding chair after Morbius manages to choke the life out of his treacherous girlfriend. Morbius abruptly finds himself in Hell and facing the gas-masked entity, who reveals himself to be a visage of Elizabeth's unborn son. Morbius pleads for revenge and the entity agrees on the condition that Morbius will then belong to the entity, as the act of revenge will ensure that Morbius will be lost to the darkness forever. Morbius agrees, then collapses to the floor, where he slowly is shown becoming his demonic form, with paper white skin and hair, and solid black eyes. He then continues to transform further until eventual becoming the large mutilated demon (Hellraiser bitches!), who was seen exacting its revenge against Hagen, and dragging Travis away.

And if you understood even a single word of that, you're a much better horror fan than I am my friend. Yuck!

Creepshow (1982): I'm sorry, I just love these kind of movies. They're silly, not at all scary, packed full of actors you would recognize if you're from that era, and the wraparound of the comic book leading you through each story is just a lot of fun. This was overseen by George Romero, a screenplay by Stephen King, with makeup by Tom Savini so you know it gets my vote. I would give it its own review but... ah, I'll just put it in here. Besides, many of you probably have already seen it at least once. As you probably know (and if you don't, look it up, it's a lot of fun) it consists of a short wraparound with five short stories that are both silly and 50's version of creepy. But hey, there's zombies... Who could possibly resist the most over-the-top acting job by Stephen King as he plays dimwit Jordy Verrill in a story so silly it'll make you bust a gut. Don't expect scares, just watch for fun and to see some of Tom Savini's early work... it is worth the time.

Teeth (2009): This was one of those 'DVR'd it about six times, started watching it twice, lost interest. Your basic story - this is about the myth (and it IS a myth, and an old one) about the condition of vagina dentata (toothed vagina). Okay, a short story at most to make this interesting but no, they want a whole movie. I looked this up and no, no one has ever had this 'condition' - the only case even close was a woman who had cysts that were almost as hard as 'teeth' but they were easily removed... this movie is mostly about, if you haven't guessed already, female empowerment especially in the face of abuse and some really bloody revenge. REALLY bloody. Basically the story is if you piss this girl off do NOT have sex with her. She manages to maim and kill those who hurt her, whether by trying to force themselves on her, or just giving her a medical exam (there's been a time or two when during one of those I wish I had teeth down there too). Okay, one or two scenes of toothy revenge is more than enough, making a whole movie was just... awful. I've been told this movie is 'hilarious' - must not be my kind of humor. At all.

There were others that were sooooo awful I couldn't even write down a basic synopsis, much less watch the whole thing, sorry. I'm sure those movies will come back soon as certain channels seem to have a heavy rotation of the same movies (for example thanks to Comedy Central I get to watch Shaun Of The Dead at least twice a month) so you may be seeing them later. But right now my blood pressure is through the roof, my darling boy Max, though eating well and cuddling the best he can has continually infected eyes (they really need to come out - he's blind anyway - but I don't know that he'd survive that) and to say I've been as down as a shut-in can be is an understatement. But this IS October, the month of marathon horror movies, so I will plug on, and thank you all again for reading.

Chiller, You Can Stop Making 'Original' Films Now Please




Dead Souls (2012)

I don't know why when Chiller says it has a new movie coming up I actually look forward to it. While Steve Nile's Remains wasn't that bad, it's a good bet that if Chiller has an original movie, it's going to be a snore fest. This was certainly no different. How they managed to snag Bill Moseley (Devil's Rejects) beats the hell out of me.

We get a story 17 years back of a preacher going nutzo (surprise surprise) because somehow he has combined the stories of Jesus and Osiris together to make a new religion (What the every loving hell?) and, as these new religions go, there's gotta be sacrifice. So he takes his family (except for a baby who was hidden) and nails them to crosses he's constructed in the barn. The younger son (who hid the baby) managed to call the cops before dying, and when the cop gets there (just ONE cop for a mass murder, okay) he finds them all pinned, the preacher says they're 'one short' and supposedly he finds the baby in the basement.

Skip ahead to the present where Johnny Petrie is celebrating his 18th birthday. Gee, I wonder who he REALLY is (heavy sarcasm)? His mom pops prescription drugs like pez and is also ultra psycho religious (That doesn't quite go together, does it?) which means Johnny can't have friends, a cell phone, extra-curricular activities or go to college. One day his mom pops one pill too many and goes to the hospital. Johnny finds a letter addressed to him stating he has inherited property in Maine (he lives in New York). He gets there by train and is immediately greeted by three teenage toughs who say he shouldn't have shown up and needs to go back (Why - what the hell would they know?) but he ignores them and goes to the lawyer's office. He's driven out to the family farm (What? You guessed who he was already? You cheeky monkey...) and discovers his real name is Bryan Conroy, and his family died in some sort of 'accident'. His 'mother' is actually his aunt. Since she's in the hospital and can't get a hold of him, he decides to stay a day or two and explore. The electricity and phone (water always being there I guess) have been turned on for prospective buyers.

There he meets a squatter, Emma, who he persuades to stay. From the beginning we get the standard 'spooky' stuff that anyone with a crayon could write - shadows in windows, whooshing shapes going by, doors opening and closing, etc. Boring boring boring. A German Shepherd keeps showing up and attacks 'Bryan' so Emma kills it (bitch). No worries though, the dog soon is up and running around again. And a crow follows 'Bryan' around and 'gives' him a feather. Crows figured prominently in Egyptian mythology as you probably already know. This is not a deep movie by any means.

Anyway, as the now retired and perpetually drunk ex-sheriff (Bill Moseley) tells him 'You woke them all up!' 'cause the whole family had been dedicated by blood ceremony to Jesus Christ who gave his life due to the goodness of Osiris (hey I'm not making this up, it's that stupid) and he should have died with the rest. It was his big brother who saved his ass, apparently it will have to be his dead brother to save it again. See, these family members want him to 'complete' the ritual so they will have eternal life, not just this ghostly whooshing around they're doing (although the dog looks pretty solid).

Eventually because that is how these things go, everybody who tries to help him (or in the case of the teenage tough who turns out to be his half-brother because his father 'wasn't the most faithful of husbands' to hurt him) dies and if they're dead, the family can use them - and do - to complete the 'ritual'. But he's told that the phrase 'being short one' didn't mean him, it meant the fifth nail, supposed to go through the heart and denied Christ so he would die in agony (total bull this is so stupid it's hard to type). So, too late to save any of the people around him, eventually all the reanimated family members get a sharp one to the heart. Yay. 

The movie ends (way too late) with 'Bryan' trying to explain it to the new sheriff who had heard all the stories the old sheriff tried to tell him, believing none of it then but beginning to now, and he's taken to the hospital to, I dunno, recover so he can go out and ruin some more lives since, as he tells the sheriff, he's 'home'. Oh brother. Chiller, stick to your regular rotation of bad movies, you really don't need to make any of your own.

Ow My Mother Lovin' Freakin' Eyes

Death On Demand (2008)

Would I pay $9.99 for a chance to see real college students get their butts kicked by a supposed dead psycho killer especially if they're all extremely obnoxious? You bet I would - except that's illegal, it's called a snuff film. Which is basically what this (fictional) movie is. But you really, REALLY want these kids to die and to die quick. But, for a movie budget of a quarter million, the gore was halfway decent although the acting was downright idiotic, and the plot was a what the hell, and each death was something you saw coming a mile away - no surprises at all.

She had Yeti written all over her face, which is on the floor....

A pair of entrepreneurs decide to put together a contest at the home of a dead crazed killer named Sean McIntire. They set up a live webcast with cameras all over the house, the one putting it together hoping to get  a lot of subscribers, as he needs daddy's money to pay everyone off and daddy wants results. The story of Sean McIntire is the stupidest ghost story I've ever heard - 20 years ago he was a mountaineer who, while in the Himalayan mountains, murdered his sherpa. Supposedly he was given secret powers by Himalayan monks (yeah they do that for Americans all the time) but it drove him mad, and made him think his sherpa was a Yeti. Yes folks, you heard me right, this is just that stupid. Apparently the hospital thought he suffered some kind of cerebral edema or burst blood vessel because of the altitude and let the idiot go home. Thanks guys. At Thanksgiving he's there with his family, including his mother-in-law. He's distant, drops things and is obviously very not right. MASSIVE DUH. So of course, with all his ice climbing tools, he decides to slice and dice his family, then hang himself in regret. Yeah, that happens all the time too. I have an uncle who regularly climbs high mountains. I think I'll carry my pistol from now on whenever he's around (just kidding - maybe).

Daddy we wanted pizza!

Anyway so these idiots are participating for a whopping $5,000 prize (I guess a month's worth of beer or something) to solve puzzles and clues and 'win' the game. They first have to start with a 'sceance'. Why? Because this movie is extremely stupid and they said so, that's why. Somehow they have a doll that McIntire gave one of his girls (before slicing her up) and they use it to 'raise' him. By this time I'm hoping for a massively quick execution of all of them because not a single one of 'em is likable. To raise viewer numbers (and other things) our pair of webcast idiots hired a porn star named Velvet Luv. Don't get your hopes up, they don't get their money's worth and if you paid to see this, neither did you. So we have six people total competing - like I said all are obnoxious or just plain disgusting and death better be quick. Oh damn, this movie is 95 minutes long - NOTHING is going to be quick.

I know everything... except how to survive a bad movie.

But finally McIntire makes his appearance. Each death is obvious like I said, and you know exactly who is going to get it next - it's a progression used in every horror movie you've ever seen. Blood spills, intestines get pulled, we get one, uh, I dunno some sort of ice climbing tool through the head, one massive crampon head splat, and a couple of other goodies - glad they spent their money on the gore 'cause the acting was not worth squat.

Effects more important than movie... HINT HINT...

All die thank you very much. Now since the power went out and the webcast was not completed, nobody, absolutely nobody got their money's worth. It says in the wiki that the 'viewers' watch in horror as the last of the survivors get picked off. I have no idea where wiki gets its plot outlines 'cause how could anyone watch with the power out? I sure didn't want to watch, but my computer worked so I was stuck. But it's over. And you're welcome.

Horror Movies That Couldn't Scare Your Grandmother



A Dead Calling (2006)

Okay I confess... I chose this movie purely because the first review I saw said it was the most awful piece of crap they'd ever seen. Easy pickings. They weren't far off. They lamented the waste of the talents of both Sid Haig and Bill Moseley (The Devil's Rejects) and said many, many awful things. Now it's my turn.

I had this movie pegged and my review done before half the movie was over, it was that obvious. Rachel, a journalist in New York is one night attacked by a burglar who ends up killing her fiance'. In her grief, she moves back home with her mom (a horribly overacted performance by Leslie Easterbrook) and her father (a still spooky without makeup Sid Haig). Here we have a MAJOR malfunction of continuity - she comes down to breakfast, her plate on the table with toast, eggs and a glass of juice. She sits and her father grabs her toast to butter it for her - the eggs have disappeared. The mother THEN puts the two eggs BACK on the plate. The incredible, edible, invisible egg.

Six months later she attempts to start working again at the small hometown Fillmore TV station. Her first assignment is to cover the architecture of certain mansions in town. The first one she picks she gets weird vibes from the place. She even 'witnesses' the murder of a woman there - but no one and nothing lives there. By now most of my review is written, this progression is old and worn to bits.

She's warned off of the place but returns, this time interrupting a young writer from the local paper who has equipment set up all over to try to 'catch' ghostly activity. In the middle of the night, she wakes, asking where he is. He says he's in the basement so she goes down. He then picks up activity UP the stairs and gets to the top when a man appears, twists his neck and breaks it, and he falls down the stairs dead. When she calls the police there is no body, no equipment, no murderer. There hasn't even been a paper since the 80's. A friend at the station helps her do research and they discover there was a young man who died of a broken neck in the house - 35 years ago. Massive duh and I'm almost done. I'm not even having to change much of my review, as everything is fitting as I'd figured.

They then discover that GP Dr. Sullivan, who owned the place, had been the subject of a large investigation into malpractice, malicious behavior and outrageous conduct. He killed two of his kids and his wife. One girl, 3 1/2 year old Elizabeth was the only survivor but no one knows where she went. Okay, my review is now done and I know I'm not going to have to change anything. Sure enough, as I well knew, the ghost of the woman she saw murdered appears before her saying 'Elizabeth help us.' MASSIVE DUH since Rachel does't get it. Doesn't get it? Really? But it finally sinks in that thick skull and we are subjected to the longest, most uncomfortable conversation between Rachel and her parents as to whether or not she was adopted. For crying out loud folks, even if Rachel had only been, say, 10, it should have gone a lot faster and smoother than you made it. Over acting is rampant in this scene and it goes on forever - and I DO mean forever.

Rachel runs out, now knowing what she must do - get peace for her real 'mother' and brother and sister. But Dr. Sullivan is a special kind of smart and extra special kind of nasty. He had several life sentences, but had escaped from prison the year before (again part of my notes already) and manages to kill the sheriff, the sheriff's son, steal his uniform, kill her adoptive father (sorry Sid) and then goes after his last child, Elizabeth. Rachel, believing to be the daughter of a maniac, asks her ghost mother what to do... like she knows? She's dead, obviously she had no idea.

Dr. Sullivan shows up at the house, shoots her new boyfriend from the station, then goes after her. It's now that she learns that he is not her real father (oh brother, can we please decide on something?). See, her mother had three kids but she was beautiful and he wanted her - but she was married. So he had her husband meets his doom in a car accident. BUT he kept his body in the basement. Why the hell would he do that? So he's killed almost everyone she cared about, but at least she's not related to him. That's something, right? Right? Not enough. Not NEAR enough. There is a protracted chase throughout the house, ending up on the roof, when she takes a plank of wood and finally knocks him off to die on the ground. FINALLY.

Now we're back in New York and Rachel is at her old job. Her new boyfriend has followed her there. She's  enjoying her life again (never mind that she left her mother all alone). We see her latest broadcast and she walks down the street. As the final BOO of the movie the TV shows brief static and Dr. Sullivan's face appears briefly. Whoopee. What a colossal waste of time. And talent.

Brainless With A Splash Of Dumb

Return To Horror High (1987)

I just love it when an actor appears in a film for about three minutes but later becomes famous, so he gets top billing when the movie is shown. This one you'll notice that a very young George Clooney (when he had that nice curly hair) is top billed. Three minutes is a generous guess of how much screen time he had in this brainless but harmless turkey of a movie.

A group of officers are at Crippen High School, which in 1982 was the scene of a horrific series of murders in which the killer was never caught. They are looking around at a massive amount of bodies. Apparently, a movie crew that had attempted to recreate the incident had something go horribly wrong and now the police are trying to figure out what happened. They're having a tough time too because one, they're movie-stupid, and two, there are so many body parts they're having trouble matching what limb goes with which body. The second in command, Officer Tyler (Marsha Marsha Marsha! Maureen McCormick) spends the movie stuffing her face with food in the face of bloody carnage, unaffected in the least.

It seems that Cosmic Pictures was attempting to recreate the scene, directed by Harry Sleerik (a very misplaced Alex Rocco) and the filming is doomed from the start. They have one young police officer who had been a student at the high school to kind of give technical advice but he quickly becomes part of the 'cast' when the one that was supposed to play the officer (Our brief view of George Clooney) has gotten a part in another movie and bails - they think, he's actually the first murder victim. Soon after they start, people begin to disappear. The young cop and the leading lady are left to try to solve the mystery before everybody dies.

This is your typical turn-your-brain-off-and-just-watch type of movie. There is no real plot, no reason, no rhyme, just your typical slash 'em up one by one type of film. It is sort of 'narrated' by the only survivor of the movie company, screenwriter Arthur, who somehow (and how would he know) takes them step by step through what happened. Nobody was happy with the film anyway, it was low budget, people kept disappearing, making more work for those who were left, and it's just a massive bunch of duh. 

Finally after the screenwriter finishes and the police wrap things up and leave (They leave before it's cleaned up? Whatever man.), all of the 'bodies' on the grass get up, dust themselves off, and congratulate each other on having an unique way of ending their film. The only bit of originality and kind of funny. I said kind of. Other than the brief performances of George and Maureen there's really nothing about this movie to remember or enjoy.

Movies You Watch Because Of Who's In Them

House (2008)

First before I start I wanted to mention that I'm using a new format that hopefully will be easier to read, making it a bit wider on the page and not looking like I wrote a book on each movie I see. Thank you for your patience, because I've noticed that it has made some of my older posts look a little cattywampus so sorry about that part. For me to try to realign the whole thing would be a huge project I can't even begin to face.

Second, I think this category might have to go. I have said before there's a list of actors whose movies I'll watch just because they're in them, because I used to believe that guaranteed that the movie at least would be interesting, but in this idea-bankrupt version of Hollywood and movies, this is no longer a criteria that can be trusted. This movie starred Michael Madsen, a favorite of mine. In The Killing Jar he was understated, cool and scary as hell, just like he was in Kill Bill (Vol. 1 & 2). Here he's supposed to be evil personified, but I honestly felt he was just there to pick up a check and that's just sad. And depressing. So this movie actually fits in the Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?" category. Because it was bad, bad, bad with a 101 minute splash of WHAT THE HELL?

Wait, wasn't it raining a second ago?

The first sign the movie was going to be a bust? They start with a scripture. I don't claim to be the ultimate authority on the Bible, but I do know that every time they do that, the scripture is either misapplied, misunderstood, or just plain wrong for whatever situation they're trying to make it fit for. This time too. See this movie, to give you a heads up, tries to use devil worship to say 'We don't have to explain the plot - see? Devil worship. So there.' So don't expect anything to make sense because they feel this is the bucket to catch all the 'what the hell' moments that are riddled through this boring and confusing movie.

It starts with a scared woman hiding in a house. A guy with a rifle is pursuing her. She says you can't kill me I love you. You're my husband. BLAM. Guess she was wrong. Cut away to a couple you instantly can't stand. They're obviously unhappy, hate whatever they're doing (and probably each other) and of course get lost. A state trooper sees them and since the husband's driving too fast, pretty soon he's behind them. Instead of pulling over, the idiot keeps going. The cop pulls alongside, hits his horn and passes. WTH? Get the bucket. Continuing to argue, even more now that they know they're lost and she's pissed about the cop, they almost slam into an accident scene. The trooper is there, helping some folks in an ancient truck try to capture chickens in overturned crates. After some tense dialogue the trooper gives them directions to the highway. You instantly say 'don't listen idiots' but I've discovered that yelling at movies just pisses off my husband and makes my throat sore so I just shake my head and write in my notes 'two people are total dumbasses'. Oh and WTH. Lots and lots of WTH. Because of course, the directions he gives them only sends them further off the beaten path until they run over some garbage on the dirt road (this guy can't drive for sh-- I mean he's a movie-stupid driver). After spinning around a bit, they stop. Just ahead, they see another car that has done basically the same (nobody can drive in movies). They get out and instantly it starts pouring rain so they run hoping to find a phone (Does ANYBODY ever find a phone in movies?). They come upon the Wayside Inn (Rest For The Weary Soul) and run inside. It's empty except for another couple that are instantly also unlikable. They are the occupants of the other car. They couldn't find anyone either. But the dinner table is already set for them. Get the bucket. WTH?

Oh and they also find a wall full of news clippings, but for some reason they only focus on one - the one stating that a young state trooper and his wife have been reported missing - and were last seen at the very place they are. Dum dum dum... Or just dumb.

Isn't that the chick from the old Folgers commercials?

Sneaking up on them and scaring them to death (of course, even if they hadn't they'd still scare you) is Betty, Pete and Stewart - your typical backwoods inbreds. Dinner is served and it is clear that all hate each other pretty well even though they just got there. And they're stuck because, say it with me, the phone doesn't work and their cell phones have no service. You know, about 95% of the US has cell phone coverage. They keep the other 5% for horror movies. Soon a terrifying figure (they say, I yawned) shows up outside and Betty demands which one of them caused him to show up. Who? The Tin Man of course. Get the bucket. The Tin Man only goes after the guilty. Guilty what? Oh yeah, bucket. After bolting the place down, they kind of huddle - until a tin can is thrown down the chimney (Tin Man can climb pretty damn good). It has his three rules written on it:

1. God came into my house and I killed him. (Just get the bucket, ok?)

2. I will kill anyone who comes into my house like I killed God (What, with a lightsaber? Oh yeah, bucket.).

3. Give me one dead body before sunrise and I'll let Rule 2 slide (And we know he's totally reliable).

Now all are looking at each other sizing up who should die. They don't say that of course, but, duh. And since the movie would be way too short if they just decided and got it all over with, we start this labyrinth of ridiculous and disjointed garbage that fills up the time. It turns out that all four of the unwelcome guests have hidden secrets. They are all guilty of something (duh, is anybody really innocent?). Our original couple were on their way to a marriage counselor because they've kind of hated each other since their daughter died in an ice skating accident. The other two? Apparently the guy had an abusive father but was dumb enough to teach him to hunt (if you're going to beat your wife or kid, never teach them to use a gun stupid). Sure enough blam, bye bye daddy. The woman? Her uncle was a naughty, naughty man and since she couldn't fight back she killed him. Wait, what? Couldn't keep him out of her room, could end his life? Bucket please. 

After running through the house for - ah hell I don't know - they discover a red velvet room down in the basement and here we get all the devil worship garbage. The symbols looked like they got some elementary Demon Worship For Dummies book and copied them exactly. Duh. So they conclude that the people running the place and the Tin Man are devil worshipers (Really? You figured that all by yourselves? I mean - oh just get me the bucket). Whenever they fight and injure the three that live in the house they bleed black smoke (don't even - just get the bucket).

No, I'm good, honest - now hand me that cleaver please...

But this wasn't nearly confusing enough - so Jack, the husband of the original couple finds a little girl hiding in the basement who says her name is Susan. She looks like the little girl from The Ring if she were dry and had her hair done. Oh, but she's a good girl here... if she's even a girl. She tells Jack his daughter is safe and happy. Their dead daughter. Bucket please...

So all four are dancing around the house dealing with their personal demons (already explained but endlessly expounded on) and turn on each other. While all are in the 'Devil' room, Jack is split into two separate people, each thinking the other is the fake. Bucket please - oh it's full? There's a big one over there - in fact there's several, better get 'em all. Both wound themselves to 'prove' they're real and both bleed black smoke. Right. Shoot both and go home? Oh no, we've got more movie to wade through...

I'm evil! Evil, evil evil! Why won't anyone believe me?

The four decide to band together and hurray - here's the state trooper, named Lawdale (Michael Madsen) come to save the day. They try to get out through the garage and there's the 'Tin Man' - he and the trooper exchange bullets, but only the Tin Man gets hit - or at least only he feels the bullets. They think they've been saved - until they realize the guy is chained up. Taking off his 'tin' mask they find that he's the state trooper who was reported missing along with his wife (our opening sequence and news article, and pass the bucket).

Good looks pretty damn scary.

Susan, a great well of information, tells the four that Lawdale is the Tin Man and breaks his own rules all the time. See, the state trooper did do what the Tin Man wanted - he killed his wife providing the body - but she didn't die until a couple of minutes after sunrise so... get a bucket. She then spouts stuff about darkness and light and how only light will destroy the darkness but this just pisses Lawdale off. By this time, it's obvious that the second couple are much more treacherous than our married couple (Jack and Stephanie) and they actually turn on each other, killing each other to get free. But, like Susan said, that doesn't set Jack and Stephanie free. The Tin Man doesn't live by his rules - why should he? This is when we get the phoned in don't believe it for a second speech that he is evil - 100%. No, in The Killing Jar you were evil 100% sir. Here you rate about maybe a 45%. Anywho, he shoots Susan and light pours from her body. Don't ask, just get the bucket. Get two, because at this point Jack and Stephanie somehow use the light from Susan to turn Lawdale into a burnt marshmallow, just a shadow on a wall. Uh huh. The house collapses around them as they escape.

What the hell? We were dead? We better be getting paid big time...

They run back to their car, where they discover that gee, they and the other couple didn't run over street junk, they had a full-blown massive accident. The other couple? They burned alive in their car. Nice. The police on the scene (none of which can see Jack or Stephanie of course) talk about how there are two more bodies from the other car. The two run to their bodies and - get a couple of buckets - they somehow sink back into their bodies 'cause see, they never really were anywhere, they had an out-of-body experience. Okay forget the bucket, get a couple of bathtubs, because we see Susan watching them from the trees, smiling when she sees that they both miraculously 'wake up' and an ambulance whisks them away.

Keep those bathtubs handy. On their way to the hospital, they pass State Trooper Lawdale laughing his butt off in front of a perfectly intact Wayside Inn, the three inbreds looking out from a window. You may finish your what the hells now but be careful - the tubs are almost full. Yes we have another 'end of the movie is again the beginning' type of scenario and I HATE those with a passion.... WHAT THE HELL?