HOW NOT TO MAKE A MOVIE





How To Be A Serial Killer (2008)

I pick apart horror movies. My husband asked why it had to be horror movies. Well, there's a couple of reasons. One, I figure that comedies are supposed to be stupid, what's the point of making fun of them? And other genres... boring. I like horror. Nothing scares me, I either find it funny or dumb. Thus a perfect vehicle for me to review and pick apart. And a lot of fun, for me.


Some movies try to be like real life and very few make it. Those can get uncomfortable to the viewer, particularly if it's either a real story or based on a real story (unless it's one of those stupid 'based on true events', in those cases you know you can just throw the whole movie out). This makes fun of the uncomfortable, because it is about the mindset (and life) of a dispassionate, clinically psychotic but seemingly normal serial killer.

There's nothing funny about people who kill for the hell of it, maybe that's why having this horror film described as 'black comedy' didn't sit well with me. But I gave it a shot and here's what they presented. A man named Mike Wilson is handsome, charming and lives happily with his girlfriend. He works a typical white collar job but his real passion is killing people. He revels in it, and figures he's doing the world a favor, both by killing those not deserving of life (in his opinion) and making people see 'how precious every day is because it could be their last'. Okay that's going a bit over the line. But bear with me, this actually kind of works.

One night while at a video store, he notices a beat-down clerk named Bart being beat down further by an obnoxious customer. He decides to take on this scruffy guy as an apprentice of sorts, to teach him how to be the perfect serial killer. In his mind (as a pseudo-psychologist makes observations that are as obvious as... duh) he is perfect, kind of like the Tony Robbins of killers, and should have a seminar teaching these tried and true techniques:

• Etiquette Of Serial Killing
• Tools Of The Trade
• Significant Others
• Learn By Doing
• Perseverance And Discipline
• Blending Work And Play
• Shopping For Victims
• Disposing Of Corpses
• Never Kill People You Know
• Facing The Authorities

Bart is somewhat of a reluctant study, but soon starts to see the way Mike does - there are a lot of people worth killing. Or needing killing. Or wanting killing. Whatever both their excuses are, killing is what they do for fun. And yet each night Mike gets to go home to his beautiful girlfriend in his great apartment and live his privileged life. Stay with me now.

There have been intelligent serial killers. There have been ones that were just plain lucky. Some were popular and handsome. Others not so much. One thing all have in common however. They got caught. It might have taken some time, but serial killers get caught.

One night Mike decides to take Bart out for a night of 'teaching' and makes the mistake necessary to knock down his house of cards. He accidentally leaves the keys to his safe on the bed. His girlfriend, too curious about his extracurricular activities looks into the vault and apparently finds out just who she's been living with.

Bart gets a frantic call from Mike. When he gets there, Mike has slaughtered his girlfriend. He's broken one of his own rules. Bart helps him clean up and they carry the body to his car in broad daylight. Of course they're seen - and more rules get broken. Soon Mike has killed the whole apartment building's occupants - he thinks. They take off to the desert, determined to get back on track. Plus, Mike has a shack out there with some emergency supplies, including things to change his appearance, fake ID, and lots of money to start over in Mexico. Bart gets the feeling that he's not going to be in these new plans.

He's right. Mike tells him to tell the police he was held hostage and nothing else. He shoots him in the shoulder, then engages in a shootout with police. Most are killed, one gets lucky and takes him down.

So if you thought they were going to make him out to be a kind of hero, no. He ends up the way serial killers will, sooner or later - he's in jail, sentenced to die and is executed by lethal injection. Bart however decides to continue Mike's 'work' and is seen loading a gun, ready to start his own 'career' of ridding the world of those undeserving of the gift of life. Will he succeed? Maybe for a week or two. He wasn't very bright.



                           

NETFLIX YOUR PRIORITIES ARE SERIOUSLY SCREWED UP





7 Below aka 7 Below Zero aka Se7en Below (2012)

Why oh why oh why am I getting all horrible movies when I'm picking ones that either have decent looking premises or at least a good actor in them? This was just... ugh. What the hell does 7 below mean? If you know please tell me because the movie says nothing. And what the hell Netflix? I wrote a brief review of this movie on their website and they rejected it 'cause I called Ving's character a 'smug bastard'. Oh yeah, you can have movies like Splatter, Frankenqueen, Stripperland! and my favorite title Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives (no I did NOT watch that one) but I can't call Ving a bastard? Nice.

Usually backstory in a movie can get tedious but hey, SOME explanation is good - and not vague statements made solemnly by a very smug Ving Rhames. And I'm sorry for not giving credit where credit is due 'cause I didn't say this first but it is very obvious that Val Kilmer is turning into a potato. A whiny bitch of a potato - certainly a long way from the Iceman that's for sure.

We've got a van of vacationers going... somewhere and the characters are right out of some script writing class: We have our unhappy couple, our two brothers trying to reconnect, a doctor and the driver. They stop for gas and we get to have the fact that the husband is a bastard shoved in our face (Val you were never subtle, were you?) when his wife asks for a coffee and he does everything but. One of the brothers makes extended eye contact with the pretty cashier and we're on our way.

A figure of a woman in a white dress appears in the road and the driver, being movie stupid veers off the road right into a tree. Which conveniently kills him but doesn't serious hurt anyone else. DUH. Ving shows up in his pickup, tells them all a huge storm is coming and to use the phone at his house. Uh, the gas station was just a few miles... ah never mind. Get out your Horror Movie Worksheets (patent pending) kids. Oops, sorry, forgot they're not on the market yet, I'm working on that.

At Ving's house which is very old they find out he has no telephone. Now if they weren't movie stupid that alone should have made them say we're out of here see ya. But no, they stay. We get a really embarrassing scene of the former Iceman, who has a small gash on his head, lie in bed and toss, turn and CRY. HE CRIED. WHAT. THE. HELL. This is Iceman for crying out loud, you don't cry 'cause you're in a strange bed and you're not happy - geez. I was happy that he died first - probably from embarrassment.

His death causes one of the brothers to take the pickup to the gas station like they should have to begin with, but he runs into the cashier who's car has broken down 'cause hey, just 'cause you work in a gas station doesn't mean you know shit about cars. Conveniently the road to the station is now closed so back to the house they go.

Ving's character Jack now decides to tell everybody that 100 years ago a family was slaughtered in the house by their 10 year old adopted son. Apparently they didn't know his real name was Michael Myers. Just kidding. I wish. And the killings start - slowly. Ving's main job seemed to be to wander around the house and make obscure statements hinting that he knew more than he was telling but it was so dreary a movie that we just don't care at all.

Finally, it comes out that Ving is actually the servant of the house (over 100 years old of course) and he's been waiting for the 'reincarnated' family to come back home (and get killed again) because you can't escape the past. At least according to this movie. He then says the stupidest line in the whole movie and that's really saying something. He calls himself 'The Agent Of Destiny'. No explanation so there. Geez.

The girl from the gas station is the boy incarnate (although his 'ghost' keeps appearing everywhere) and has been killing everyone but instead of killing the last brother, she kills herself. At that the boy stabs Ving, they disappear in a cloud of black smoke and she's alive again. Our last scene is six months later - the two live together and she's seen slooooowly chopping a zucchini and as they toast their happiness she looks out the window, grabs the knife and... well, duh. Outside the window is the boy - again. And this horrid thing is over.

 Oh, just a side note: I kid about Val Kilmer even though I look a hundred times worse than he ever could,  but I hear he's been taking better care of himself and actually looks pretty good right now. Keep it up Iceman, we've missed you.




                              

LET'S JUST KISS AND SAY GOODBYE





A Thousand Cuts (2011)

I seriously recommend that you gals take your man and sit him down to watch this movie - that is, if he's done something lately to seriously piss you off. I mean, what better revenge could there be than basically 77 minutes of two men staring at each other sharing their most painful moments? And the ending, ah, what an inspiration.


Of course I'm being totally facetious - but if you have somebody tied up (I don't want to know why) this is the perfect torture vehicle to have them saying 'Por favor no mas!' in record time.

Breaking this down briefly: A director named Lance made a horror movie called A Thousand Cuts. It basically was about a serial killer who uses the ancient Chinese torture method of Death Of A Thousand Cuts, which they used and perfected. It was a horribly slow, extremely painful way to die. So is this movie. Just kidding. A little. Anywho, some whack job decided that looked like fun so he kidnaps a college girl and by the time he's done, she's mincemeat and very dead. He gets the death penalty, Lance gets tons of money to make sequels. Hey, it's America, right?

Frank crashes Lance's party, pretending he's an electrician and sits and talks to Lance a while. But soon it's apparent that something else is going on - Lance finds himself tied up, his niece is somewhere perhaps dying, and Frank is going to tell Lance why. For 77 freaking minutes.

Yup, Frank is that young girl's father. A real sad sack of a man, his actions and his lack of fury or any strong emotion made me get out my Horror Movie Worksheet (patent pending) movie pad and boom, my review was done. I was right on. We get to see them go back and forth, Frank arguing for responsibility on the part of film makers, Lance for saying if there were no movies, there would still be serial killers. Which makes sense, like if there were no assault weapons, there would still be bad people shooting good people. It's not the tool or the medium, it's the person's responsibility, period.

Whoops, I digress - because this movie is just. That. Boring. And you probably guessed the ending as well as I did. Frank claims he's doing all sorts of bad things to Lance's niece - raping her, cutting little pieces of flesh off of her but I wasn't convinced for one second. And sure enough, he was bluffing. But Lance didn't know that 'cause he's movie stupid and gets free and kills Frank. When he sees that his niece is untouched and Frank wanted to die 'cause he couldn't live without his daughter, Lance breaks. Ahh, poor little millionaire.

In the end, Lance quits his job, sells everything and ends up a drifter on the road. He bumps into a fellow drifter who looks suspiciously like Frank. They eye each other before walking on. What an inspiring story. Now excuse me, I have some sleeping pills to take. A LOT of sleeping pills.




                              

BLATANTLY BAD BUT BLISSFULLY BRIEF





Splatter (2009)

This is kind of puzzling - it's described both as a movie and as a TV series - with ten episodes. But I could only find this 29 minute piece of puke that had some of the best (and worst) talent and best (and worst) effects and still managed to be boring as hell.

Also billed as Roger Corman Presents Splatter (I wouldn't be bragging about this if I were you Roger), it supposedly follows a story written by Richard Christian Matheson, one of my favorite horror writers, and Joe Dante, a... well, supposedly a good director. The two main names are Corey Feldman and Tony Todd. Yikes.

We begin with Jonny Splatter (Corey Feldman), rock god, about to blow his own brains out but not before putting a curse on all those he figures ruined his life (you know, 'cause he had a huge castle, all the money in the world and tons of fans but hey, nothing really important). Since this was supposed to be a series I was curious about what we would be treated to if such a series existed. Here are the episodes (if they actually exist):

• Where There's a Will: The acquaintances of a dead dead rock musician gathers to hear his will only to discover they are in the middle of an elaborate plot for revenge.
• Kill Fiona: Johnny Splatter deals with Fionna leaving Mortis and Spencer.
• Kill Mortis: Johnny Splatter deals with Mortis leaving Fiona and Spencer.
• Kill Spencer: Johnny Splatter deals with his manager Spencer leaving Fiona and Mortis.
• Spencer and Fiona Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Fiona while Spencer tries to cut a deal to save his own skin.
• Fiona and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Fiona while Mortis tries to cut a deal to save his own skin.
• Spencer and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Mortis while Spencer tries to cut a deal to save his own skin
• Fiona and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Mortis while Fiona tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.
• Spencer and Fiona Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Spencer while Fiona tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.
• Spencer and Mortis Remain: Johnny Splatter gets revenge on Spencer while Mortis tries to cut a deal to save her own skin.

I only include this list because it seems to be part of a big joke, that and they manage to misspell the main character's name in every episode. Do these episodes exist? Do you really REALLY want them to?

Nice expression - I guess squibs must tickle...

Back to our horrid 29 minutes that should have been at least passable if not great. There is Jonny, with his fake gun, greasy black hair and makeup (Is he supposed to be a death metal singer or just heavy metal?) but wait - on the right side of your screen (the left side of Jonny's head), where in a few seconds what's supposed to be Jonny's brain matter gets splatted there's... well damn, you can see the squibs and other squishies ready to explode on cue. Oh man, that. Is. Hilarious. There's a list of five makeup, special effects and hair 'artists' listed, and I'll bet they're all unemployed right now.

Nice, small set 'cause hey, space is expensive...

It only gets worse and much more contrived. One by one he kills off those he says 'ruined' him (Corey, look in the mirror man, there's your real enemy.) until there's only Tony Todd left because hey, he's the one paid the most money. We've had Jonny give each traitor death by electrocution, heart ripping, neck ripping, and ear blowing out from an overly loud guitar (Do you know of ONE musician that would keep a super expensive guitar in a glass case just to put a cheap piece of paper in one corner showing how much the instrument was worth? Didn't think so.). 

Best Corey's looked in years...

Tony Todd has a book of voodoo and so to save his skin and put Jonny in his coffin for good, he starts chopping off a piece of each unfortunate, throwing them in a bag with a bit of his own blood and throwing THAT on a fire with an incantation. Jonny's rotting corpse (Did I forget to mention he became a zombie? Probably because you can forget him just that fast...) which has been getting more and more rotten comes to a halt. To keep the bag from completely burning, he decides to work with his agent Spencer (Tony Todd) and continue his 'act' - oh goody, a corpse band - somebody call Tim Burton. To make it 'work', Jonny re-animates his band members (it only shows one but you've gotta assume) and our 29 embarrassing minutes are over. Maybe what they found out was that this was just soooo terrible that they took all the episodes and slimmed it down to under half an hour. We can only hope.

Thanks a lot Roger Corman.



                              

TURN OFF YOUR BRAIN AND HAVE A LITTLE FUN





Monster Brawl (2011) Canada

Anyone like wrestling? I used to watch Oregon's own late night Portland Wrestling just about every Saturday. It was silly as hell but it was fun. I've even attended (small) wrestling events and found myself yelling along with everyone at the wrestlers, the referee, the concession workers (just kidding). It was fun. It was silly. Yeah, it was kind of dumb too. But hey, I've watched a ton of cartoons and wrestling is just one yuk short of a cartoon. As is this movie.

You can't take seriously a movie of the Undead vs. the Creatures, featuring Dave Foley and Art Hindle as the announcers, an unseen Lance Henriksen as the narrator (and the guy making comments like 'BODY SLAM' as if this were a video game, of which he's been a voice in several) and appearances by Jimmy Hart, Herb Dean and Kevin Nash, a monster of a guy himself at 6' 10" and 328 pounds.

On the 'Undead' camp we have the Mummy, Lady Vampire, Zombie Man and Frankenstein. Representing the 'Creature' camp is Cyclops, Witch Bitch, Swamp Gut and Werewolf. All are performing on a pay-per-view event in a cursed cemetery (it says graveyard but those are by Churches and can't be cursed). Before fighting a statistic chart is presented for each, uh, wrestler.

Is it tasteful? Pffffft... c'mon people. It's stupid and we all know it but it was still a bit of fun - especially with Dave Foley (who I've always loved in Kids In The Hall) making statements like 'It's all fun and games until somebody loses their eye,' and the fact he has to kill his co-announcer 'cause... well, find out for yourself if you've got the time, want to watch something totally brainless and have a bit of fun.

Who wins? That would be cheating and besides it (gulp) looks like they're setting up for a sequel. Let's hope not 'cause fun is fun and done is done. Very, very done.







                              

NO YOU MAY NOT MAKE A SEQUEL OF THIS MOVIE!





Bereavement (2010)

This was an overly long movie with no happy ending that could easily had at least 20 minutes shaved from it and made the same point. Or at least come to the same end. The only name in this one is Michael Biehn, which is why I watched it.







A man whose father was a nasty taskmaster at a meat packing plant turns into a serial killer, presumably because daddy let him feed all the baby animals and then made him slaughter them when they were older (never pet what you eat, I learned that the hard way as a kid). He finds a boy named Martin who just happens to have CIPA, a genetic disorder where a person cannot feel pain. 

Since the boy makes no protest when cut with a knife the man assumes that means that he is not frightened and will be a good replacement for him when he is unable to, uh, kill any more I guess. He keeps him in the basement with his victims for five years.

Enter Allison, a 17 year old who was recently orphaned. She comes to live with her uncle (Michael Biehn) and his wife and girl. She's a runner and while out jogging meets apparently the only boy in the whole state she's moved to named William, who her uncle claims is no good.

So the story drags on - if you want to know what happens for over an hour just read the second and third paragraph a couple of times 'cause that's about it. Finally, after getting into a hissy fit with her uncle she leaves for... wherever and ends up at the old meat packing plant because she sees the boy in there. She tries to rescue him but the killer returns and locks her in a cooler where she finds body parts of previous victims. 

Her uncle comes to rescue her BLAM he's shot dead. William comes and gets as far as the door when BLAM he's bludgeoned to death with a shovel. But somehow Allison gets out, grabs the boy as she figures he's a victim, and takes off for home. When she gets there BLAM the killer shows up and stabs her aunt. She tells the niece to hide upstairs. BLAM Allison's stabbed to death by the boy who's learned his lessons pretty well. BLAM the boy, on a roll, takes an axe and kills the murderer.

We don't get to see him dispatch the niece but BLAM anyway. He then leaves as the house burns, the fire started by the killer. The police, apparently not having much CSI experience just figure all were trapped in the burning house. No word on William, oh well.

The end of this horrid piece shows five years later AGAIN where a young girl runs and knocks on his door. The boy, now bigger (and magically finding clothes that fit) just turns and looks at her. The end.

Did you learn anything? No? Well, be glad you didn't have to watch this crap then.



                              

MOVIES I'VE REVIEWED THAT I WISH COULD BE FORGOTTEN




Maskerade aka Mask Maker (2010)

Oh wow what a stinker. When they said it was about a guy buying a 19th century plantation I figured it was about cursed property or something, and when he goes with his fiancee' and friends people start to die. I wish it was that interesting. It was directed by Griff Furst, whose only appearance I welcomed was as an actor in Dead Men Walking (2005), a zombie film set in a prison. Past that, apparently he's into bit parts and directing movies like Swamp Shark and Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators.


Jason and Jeremy London. Twins with looks (well, their looks are past tense I guess), charm, talent, and really lousy life choices. We'll skirt the personal stuff and stick with this sorry mess of a movie. And Treat Williams? Ah dude, you look awful.

Let's get this crap out quick. This is not a period piece - only a couple of decades ago at most, a man was cheating on his wife with... somebody, they're really stingy with backstory on this one. There was a bastard child, whom the wife called retarded, who developed some kind of flesh eating disease on his face and finally died. The lover, scorned and wanting her son back used some sort of Cajun voodoo, sacrificed a baby and got her son back - for a moment. The locals strung her up and when the zombie son tried to save her they pierced both with, I dunno, some kind of voodoo stick. They buried them that way, the stick still in him, like a vampire.


So here comes Evan - he got the plantation for almost nothing and puts it in his fiancee's name. She's not thrilled but decides to make the best of it. He invites four others 'cause hey, we've got to have some victims. He then of course finds the stick, pulls it out and gags at the horrible smell that comes up. Duh. So like a vampire/zombie/monster, the re-re-revived icky thing crawls out (no sign of mommy's body, whoops) and starts killing whoever is handy, stripping their faces off and using them as his own.

So you get a couple of nude shots, some pretty decent gore I guess until everybody's dead except the smart fiancee' (there's always one) who lives although she's prevented from burning the... thing. Jeremy London makes a brief cameo at the end looking... not well.

The fiancee' drives off, having lost everyone and everything. She pulls off to the side of the road to have a good cry when a cop car stops behind her because the... thing, of course never having left the house or having any driving experience, knew enough to steal the cop's face and his car and catch up to her. He twists her head around and throws her in the back of the cop car. Huh, again I guess there was no smart girl in this movie either (see Chain Letter).